I just felt the overwhelming need to tell you how much I love you. Reading other people's stories makes me appreciate what you and I have all the more. I am so blessed to have your love. I am so blessed by our marriage.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

I am really missing you right now.

Thanksgiving

Beloved,
I wanted to write a letter to you about Thanksgiving. You and I have been through a lot this year. Six months ago I would have never thought we could be together and enjoying such harmony as we do now.

I am so grateful that you have been willing to work through our problems. I am grateful that not once have you walked out when I have needed to talk. I am grateful that you have been so focused on doing whatever it takes to heal our marriage. I am so very grateful that you never gave me reason to believe that you still loved another.

I am grateful that we have been given the chance and TAKEN it to become closer emotionally and physically. You have become such a sensitive and tender lover. That is one of many things about our relationship that is better than it ever was before. I am grateful that I enjoy intimacy with you again....that I am eager for it.

I am grateful that God gave us our beautiful baby, Therese. She will always be alive and well in our hearts, and just like Benedict, has helped get us through painful times just by the virtue of her being a baby. Babies are such symbols of hope, aren't they?

I love you so much, Baby. Out of all the blessings God has given me, and they are too numerous to count, the greatest truly is you.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweet Love.

Thankfully nothing new

There is a calm settling slowly in our home. We don't cry every day. We don't talk about the affair incessantly. I don't even think about it incessantly. We are only going to counseling once a month now. I feel personally like I'm getting my life back.

I don't know if I'm ever going to lose my desire for closure from the other woman, but it doesn't feel like it is necessary in order for me to be happy again. I've been praying that if God will not grant me my request, He help me not want it so badly. He has answered the second half of that prayer and I'm more okay with it than I thought I would be.

The farther in time we get away from the affair, the more important it will be that we remain diligent in keeping our guard up for this situation. Next semester you might take more classes. I feel more at peace with that then I thought I would. It now seems more important to get you off campus as soon as possible then taking only one class at a time for the next year and a half. I pray God will guide us in this area so we don't slip into old patterns.

I guess today all I feel is calm. Nothing is urgent, pressing, or critical today. It's been a long time......

Last Night

Beloved,
I am so sorry for last night. I acted like a child because I was embarrassed by your right on the money observations about what I had done. You and I need to hold each other accountable. We need to always uphold the other in what is right. I want to always be honest, and it is very important for you to be too.

I admire your integrity. I admire you so much when you stand up to me because you feel something is truly right. It is things like this that help me to trust you again.

Love Always,

Your wife

Blog World

I need to refrain from going to other people's blogs. I had started out by trying to find other people who were struggling like us, but didn't have much luck. Instead, most of the blogs about relationship difficulties were just outlets for one spouse to complain about the other and look for justification to cheating. Some people haven't physically cheated, but have very close internet friends that they have bonded with while complaining about their significant others. Even more frustrating than that, though, was how the comments left mainly support cheating as long as it makes you happy. How it effects the spouses, children, is entirely irrelevant. I can't keep reading stuff with that negative message. It hurts that the general consensus seems to be that you don't have to worry about how your actions effect anyone other than yourself and if a person isn't happy in a marriage, then cheating (rather than truly working on the problems) is a perfectly acceptable fix. It is also astonishing that all these people with internet lovers actually think that they have finally found true love. How is that possible when you have never met? How is that possible when you can completely filter, manipulate, or control what the other knows about you?

Anyway, I'm not going to fix their problems, and reading those misguided opinions doesn't help mine. Arguing on message boards doesn't really help anyone. I hope my husband and I can someday help others, but I know that true change comes from within.

I came across a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I really liked: People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. I don't know how that ties into my post, but it is something I want to store away for further thought.

Hi, Liz!

My husband suggested that we document our process, and have a way that we can share daily what we're going through with the other. Alot of what we wrote is directly to the other, but sometimes its just recording an event or a feeling. I think we both have benefited a lot by writing things down because its easier sometimes to share this way than face to face, although after reading we often actually talk about what the other has written, and usually comment. I think that's why the Retrouvaille techniques didn't feel foreign. We had been writing to each other for four months before we attended that weekend.

Alot of what we wrote won't be relevant for others because we have been very guided by our Catholic faith. Our perspective is different in some ways because of that. However, if you think there's anything here that might be helpful to someone else, let us know. It is a little scary thinking of someone else seeing this part of our lives and reading these thoughts and feelings. Although we don't know how yet, we both truly want to help someone else if there is some way we can.

Please feel free to comment.

How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

Beloved,
thank you for always reminding me to focus on us, and not the problems in the family. It shows me that you feel our marriage is a priority.

When I think of sharing our brokenness with others I feel scared, hopeful, and excited. It is scary because I know when people know what we've been through, they will never look at us the same way again. I worry that people in the family will be hurt that we didn't keep them in the loop about our lives. I am scared that they won't respect you anymore.

It is exciting, though, because I believe that God can make good come from any circumstances if we let Him. The end never justifies the means, but God can take a bad situation and use it for some good. I am hoping that we can be used to help someone else. How comforting it could have been for us to talk to another couple who had been through it and have them say,"You CAN be happy again!" If we can help one couple avoid this, or help one couple heal, then this pain will have been worth while.

I also think that if we can help other it will be good for us as well. It will remind us of how easily things like this can happen if we're not careful. I am hopeful that if we talk about it, having that reminder will prevent us from going down this road again.

Finally, months ago you and I read a verse in James that I always keep in the back of my mind. "Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins." Whether you look at it as Karma, what goes around comes around, or Divine punishment for sins, there are consequences to selfish actions. I believe, and know you do to, that helping others (among other things) can help make reparation and atone for what you did.

I love you so much,

your wife

Advice in Confession

Yesterday I went to Confession. I wasn't planning on going, but it was available, right there in the Mall, so I went.

I received some really good advice. Father told me that the purpose of guilt is to trigger a certain response. Guilt is supposed to prompt you to repent and reform. That's why it's there. Once you make a change, you should be able to let the guilt go. If you can't, then you haven't properly dealt with the problem.

This made me think of my father in law. His attitude towards us is so different. He's aloof and uncomfortable around us. He seems to avoid us. I think he feels so much shame around us for his actions. It's sad because if only he'd admit he was wrong, if he could try to do better, I truly believe he would feel better and could associate with us without embarrassment. He's stuck in the guilt and won't move to the next step that would make him feel better.

I really like looking at guilt in this way: as a prompter to make a change. It makes guilt seem like something healthy and truly a blessing, as long as its dealt with properly. Next time I feel really bad about something, I'll try to remember why those feelings are there.

God bless Fr. Matthew for his insight.

New dialogue question

How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

My Love, when you get a chance, please write about this. I will do the same.

Peace

My husband and I have been praying a novena for peace in our lives. I don't know if it's because of that or because God is answering my prayer to either grant my request or take away my desire for it, but I've been feeling better about my marriage and about the other woman. There's been some drama in the family, but as far as the other situation, I truly am feeling better. I know that it won't be forever because the healing process is a roller coaster, but right now I am more positive and hopeful.
My husband's been incredible this weekend: helpful, loving, and really going the extra mile. Thank you, Baby, for everything this weekend. I really appreciate all you've done.

Thank you, God.

Baby's Birthday

Today our son is one year old. He has been the one constant bright spot in this year. I am so glad that he was born in 2005 instead of 2006 because 2006 was horrible. My brother in law ran away from home and knocked up a teenager, my husband had an affair and all the garbage from that, our baby girl was miscarried, I lost my (supposed) best friend, relationships have become strained with extended family.....

Some years are like that. But the flip side is, some years are absolutely divine: truly tastes of heaven on earth. 2004 was that way for us. We were living near my university, my husband was commuting so I could finish my degree, and we were desperately, passionately, happily in love.

Back to my son's birthday. This was a tough year on the family, but I'm glad he was so young going through it so he won't remember the tears and fights. He has bonded in such a beautiful way with his daddy. He brings us so much joy.

His next year will be a happy one. I am sure of it. Mommy and Daddy are in a much better place now and as the months go by, we'll be even better, giving him a happy stable home to grow in.

Dear Lord,
thank you for our beloved son. He helped keep us together sometimes when times were hardest. Help us to raise him to love and serve you. Help keep all evil from him, but not all suffering, because as we see daily, it is suffering that perfects us and makes us worthy of Your kingdom. Take his life early if it's the only way he can join in the beatific vision, but if there is another way, grant us many happy years to enjoy this most marvelous blessing.
Amen.

Why do I hold on?

I found out yesterday that the other woman is no longer working at the Mall. I realized it had been a while since I'd seen her car there, so when I knew she wasn't there, called the store and asked for her. They said she no longer works there.
I asked my husband to call today and try and get more information. They wouldn't say anything, but they aren't allowed to talk about it and it was very hush hush. Either she was fired or left on very bad terms. An amicable separation doesn't involved hushed tones, lowered voices, and disclaimers. Now at least we know we can go to the Mall with little chance of seeing her (my husband has avoided the place for six months).

That knowledge made me realize just how providential it was seeing her on Friday. She obviously wasn't there to work because she had her little girl. Me being at the same point in time (the road) and her going to her former place of employment like that couldn't have been a coincidence. I had wondered before if I was going against what God would want by turning around and following her on Friday. Now that I know she doesn't even work there anymore it seems like God must've had a hand in our passing. That makes me feel a little better.

Also, I don't know why, but knowing that things went badly at her job makes me feel a little better too. Not, and I know this is hard to believe, because I take some spiteful pleasure in her suffering. A single mom out of work is always a bad thing. But usually people leave under bad circumstances or are fired because they've done something wrong, illegal, unethical or unprofessional. It's just more confirmation that she truly isn't a good person, through and through. Why do I keep trying to see the good when there hasn't been a single shred of evidence to support that deep down she's just a woman who is basically good but made some poor decisions? For six months I have only been given proof of her selfishness, hatred, callousness, licentiousness, and irresponsibility. I think I need to give up on the hope that someday I'll see the good side of her. Although every person CAN be redeemed, many choose not to be.

From Gayle Haggard's letter

What I want you to know is that I love my husband, Ted Haggard, with all my heart. I am committed to him until death "do us part". We started this journey together and with the grace of God, we will finish together.

For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case. My test has begun; watch me. I will try to prove myself faithful.

How I felt

I finally saw my husband's lover, as I discussed in another post. I wanted it so badly, but after I saw her, I was relatively calm. She wasn't ugly, nor especially pretty. I wouldn't call her unattractive. She wore no makeup and her hair was pulled sloppily back. She didn't appear to be heavy at all, but was wearing a coat that made it hard to tell. All of this I know not because I can remember her face, but because I only remember what I thought when I saw her.

I knew a prayer had been granted, and was grateful for that, but it still didn't answer any of my questions. Maybe I am not supposed to ever know what I wish I could. I pray that God will give me closure with her, but if not, I trust He will give me a way to cope with not having it. My husband and I started a novena yesterday for peace in our lives. God gives us nothing we can't handle. I just pray we can handle what we are dealt with dignity, grace, and charity.

Emotional weekend

This was a really tough weekend. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because my husband was out of town all last week. Maybe it was seeing his lover. Whatever the reason, we were both in very raw pain and were not connected enough to each other to help one another.

My poor husband wept like he hasn't wept in months feeling like we will always be miserable, we will never heal, and that he is a horrible human being. I wept because I want closure so terribly much from the other woman, but know logically that is not realistic. It was horrible feeling all the pain and not being able to reach out to my husband, or feel him reach out to me. We were supposed to attend a CORE session up in Boulder, but decided that it was best we spend the day together talking and trying to reconnect.

This weekend it came out that a very prominent Evangelical church leader had been using drugs and engaging in homosexual activity. He has denied some, but not all of the allegations, and was removed as senior pastor to the megachurch he founded here in town. He and his wife both wrote letters to the congregation, and his wife's in particular touched me. She spoke of her determination to work on their marriage. My heart broke for her and for him, because I know that good men can be terribly tempted and because they are good, are plagued by guilt when they fall.

The final thing that happened this weekend that was difficult was my husband's brother alluded to some of his (my husband's) past sins that were like that of another brother. I was at first fearful that he had found out about the affair, but when my husband called to see what it was he was talking about, he told him that he knew my husband had lived with a girlfriend many years ago. The thing is, that never happened. My brother in law heard gossip about his brother and believed it all these years, never once asking if it was true. That hurt my husband and me a lot.

Last night we seemed to be close again, but there was a different kind of pain between us: a pain not caused by the affair but I think a general disappointment in the family. The sadness was not desperate and passionate, but quiet and resigned. My husband and I need to focus on us. We can't change the family, we can't control other people. I keep begging God to help me trust completely in His will and let go of the things I can't change.

Lord willing, that is one prayer He will see fit to grant.

I saw her

I finally saw my husband’s lover this past Friday. She passed me on the road for the fifth time. I should have kept driving, but at the next light I turned around and followed her. I knew that she was going to the Mall. Because of resurfacing, there wasn’t much parking. We both circled over and over looking for a parking spot, passing each other like we were in some weird dance: neither following the other, but not escaping the other either. She finally parked in another lot and I found a spot where I was.

She had her little girl with her. I watched her then went into the Mall via a second entrance. She was in the central section of the Mall. We were walking towards each other. For a brief minute our eyes met and then we both looked away. I don’t know if she recognized me. I didn't pay attention to her girl. I noticed that she was wearing a poofy coat. If she is pregnant, there was no way to tell, but that wasn’t what I was after anyway. I know that she’s not carrying my husband’s child. If she is pregnant now, it is from a newer relationship.

I finally got what I wanted. I have been dying to see her face for months. My husband hasn’t wanted me to because he knows how I am haunted by visual images. He didn’t want her face forever burned in my mind. The funny thing is this: A short time later that day I couldn’t recall her face, just the cold, unfriendly look she gave me as our eyes met. I don’t know if that is how she views all strangers or if it was a special look just for me, but regardless, that impression is the only thing, even now, that I can recall. If I saw her on the street I would not recognize her. God blessed me with finally seeing her, and then blessed me by not being haunted by her image. How strange are the ways of God……

In my next posting, I’ll discuss how my husband and I were both affected this weekend, but I wanted to make sure I recorded this milestone.

I walk the line

I really like the first verse of this Johnny Cash song. It should be the attitude of all married people. It is so easy to get attached to someone else if you're not careful and vigilant.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

Two Things

Yesterday was difficult for me. I was very impatient over not feeling closure from the other woman.

I came across a blog where someone told of her obsession with her husband's lover. She followed her around for three years, wanting to know what kind of things she bought, clothes she wore, and the sound of her laugh. She said at the end of three years the only thing she gained was the confirmation that "Yes, my husband had an affair" and all the knowledge she gained in three years didn't give her any insight or help. It scared me reading her story because I don't want to still be thinking about my husband's lover in three years. I have to put an end to this craziness sooner, if I possibly can.

The second thing I wanted to mention was what my counselor and I talked about. I said that it's frustrating for me because I know I am giving her power by still dwelling on her and thinking of her all the time, when she has probably long since moved on and is with another guy and hasn't given my husband or myself a second thought. My counselor said that was very unlikely. She said that very few women could go through that kind of trauma in a breakup and just get over it and move on. She was dumped as coldly and harshly as she could be. She was pregnant and lost a child without once seeing the father for support. She cared about someone a lot who, not only chose not to be with her, but chose to be with someone else OVER her. Being rejected for another woman (that's her perspective, most likely, even though the other woman, ME, was here first) probably was a huge hit to her ego, and has made her feel pretty low about herself. My counselor said that regardless of her values, she highly doubts that she was able to just move on unscathed by the whole ordeal and is probably asking herself every day, "How on earth did this happen? How could I have been so stupid?"

I hope that's true, just so she is capable of some genuine, human feelings. She seems to be so heartless in my head. And truly, her actions were heartless. But she showed my husband what she chose to, and likely buried a lot of pain deep inside. I hope someday I'll know if that is true.

God,
please grant whatever it is I need to find closure and healing. I don't know what that is, but I do know that I do need SOMETHING to let her go. Liz said that with my husband and I doing so much better in our marriage, this is the biggest issue at present that I need to focus on. Please help me find a way. Please help me move on so that I am only preoccupied with my love for my husband, son, and YOU. Amen.

Thoughtful

Beloved,
you asked me last night what things you have done in the past six months that show me you love me. I decided that it would be good for me to write some of them down.

Sent me flowers when you were away
ordered a beautiful bench because I was tired of toys lying everywhere
you organized my choir music
volunteer to watch our son so I can do girl stuff and be by myself
call me throughout the day
email me
leave love messages for me
blog about your feelings
hold me when I cry
tell me you love me
share your thoughts and experiences of the day
make up a teacher's policies thing for me
try to help me sleep by encouraging me to go to bed earlier, turning off the computer, and do relaxing stuff
Not get impatient when I express the same feelings over and over.


These are not the extent of what you have done, and are all pretty recent, but I wanted you to know that I have noticed.

EMDR

Last week, in therapy, I had a session of EMDR. It's a method that helps you process a memory or some pain in the most helpful way possible. The event that we started with was passing my husband's lover in the car and how that makes me feel. It was amazing how many different feelings that memory brought up and all the places it took me in my mind. When I would think about that in the past, all I thought I felt was disappointment that I couldn't see her face. In this process, however, I realized that disappointment was only part of it. I also felt frustrated that she never acknowledged my pain as I tried to do hers. That I wish so badly I could know all that really happened after the affair ended with the baby and what was going on in her mind. That I hate how she has the power to hurt me so much just by going somewhere, and doesn't even know it. That she probably would be happy to know that I am still hurting so much by her actions. That I wish I could humanize her somehow, and that thinking of her makes me think of my best friend, who also slept with a married man and how badly I wish I could talk to my friend about it.

After I left and in the days since, I have felt better. I have cried a lot less. But here, typing this out and thinking of all those feelings, I am hurting again. I do think the session helped, but there's still a lot of work to do.

Lord, Grant me peace.

Progress

I forgot to mention that we went to Disney World last weekend. It was a close time for us. There were periods of time, a couple hours at a time, when I didn't think about the affair at all. That might seem inconsequential, but believe me, it's not.

What to write?

For the first time in a while, I don't know what to write. It seems like my feelings are pretty much the same: pain, love for my husband, pain, anxious for my prayer to be answered, pain, brief moments of happiness with my husband and son, pain.....

Last night we went grocery shopping and passed her on the road, or at least it was pretty convincingly her, at any rate. I asked God to please not give me any more of those pseudo encounters until I finally had a real one, but for some reason, I keep being tested. I want so badly to see her, to know if she feels at all bad, but I also know that I cannot make it happen. God is asking me to trust Him in this area, and it's hard. I do trust He'll give me what I need, but I am also very impatient. I don't want to be thinking of her anymore. I want to feel closure. I DON'T want to keep seeing her, but not. I feel like Fate has some sadistic pleasure in torturing me with these encounters.

We had a huge fight afterwards, not really over anything, but our shared emotions were overwhelming and we took it out on each other and both ended up feeling badly for the way we acted. I realized, though, that it's been a while since either of us have had that intense of a fight.....in truth we hardly fight at all. We cry often, but we rarely fight. Thank God for that.


Dear Lord, please grant us peace. I am struggling so much. I a begging you to answer my prayer and soon, if it be your will. I don't know how much more I can take of this agony. Help us both to accept Your will and know that whatever You do, You do for the love of us.
Amen.

Love comes softly

Our Dear Lord has been blessing me with a gift. It is subtle and soft, but lately I’ve been starting to feel like I’m in love with my husband again. Have I loved him all along? Yes, but lately, ever so gently, I have been feeling in love.

Maybe it’s because he was courageous towards his father in talking about secrecy. Maybe it’s because he voluntarily made dinner, one of many thoughtful things he does all the time. Maybe it’s because he asks about my feelings every day. Maybe it’s because he is so attentive to our son. Maybe it’s because we seem to have the same things on our minds like we used to in the beginning. Maybe it’s because his courage, strength, and determination, which made me fall in love with him in the beginning, have been blossoming in him even brighter and stronger than ever. Whatever the reason, I think about him all day, many times without thinking of the affair, just how much I love him and miss him. I want to make love again. I want to hold him, kiss him, and comfort him in his griefs, which are many. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, not because it is what I promised in my covenant before God, but because I can’t imagine a man who could be better for me or make me happier.

I love you.

Ever Changing

My very last post was about a clarified prayer. Over the weekend it has changed further. At church on Saturday my husband pointed out a verse about Our Father knowing what we need before asking.

That got me to thinking. I keep praying for something to do with her, but the prayer changes almost daily. Since Saturday, though, all I've been praying for is that God grant what it is that I truly need regarding her. I don't know what that is, but He does, for sure.

Thank you, my Love, for helping sharpen my perspective.

A slightly clarified prayer

I know I've posted a lot about my husband's lover lately. She is on my mind every day, all through the day. The only person I think about and pray more for is my husband.

I had a counseling session tonight by myself. My husband will be going alone next week. We spent an hour and a half talking about my preoccupation with her, and how stressful and difficult it is. I have been praying for weeks that she would make some gesture towards me, either hateful or remorseful, I don't really care. I just want two things: to clear up the mystery about what this stranger is like, and two, to just have her acknowledge my existence, either as her enemy or someone she feels bad for hurting.

Tonight, though, maybe a more precise prayer would be that I just know who she really is: that I can see the real woman.

Maybe I already have my answer

His lover knew he was married and just had a child.
She didn't have a problem with him giving all his attention to her.
She purposely tried to get him to act against his beliefs, even though he told her that they shouldn't sleep together again.
When he told her he didn't love her, she kept saying she loved him.
She kept contacting him when she knew he was with me, probably just to get him caught.
She didn't give a damn about his feelings when she suggested a pregnancy but wouldn't confirm it.
She was callous to me on the phone by her "I'm sorry you feel that way" attitude.
She was very eager to tell me everything and threw my husband under the bus.
She didn't care that his world was falling apart that night: only how it affected her.
Although claiming a desire to be just friends if they couldn't be more, offered no support to him in his efforts to fix his marriage.
She blamed everything on him and never acknowledged that she was partially responsible for the situation she was in.
She hid from him the death of the child and would only contact him to demand money.


Maybe I already have my answer as to what kind of person she is.

Lies people tell themselves so they don't feel so bad

Two nights ago I was idly watching tv, trying to figure out whether to watch a program or put in a movie when I saw a short part of some law show where a girl was accused of murdering her married, older lover. On a side note, until my husband’s affair, I never noticed the prevalence of adultery in the media. We can hardly see a movie or show that doesn’t make some reference to someone cheating.

Back to my story. I only saw a couple minutes, but the girl made a comment that really stood out to me: “I told myself it wasn’t an affair because we were friends so I wouldn’t feel like such a slut.”

It made me think of my husband’s lover. She always played off the sex and said it wasn’t a big deal, and talked a lot about how she didn’t want to lose his friendship and hoped they would always be friends. Maybe that was her way of validating what they did too, by saying they had a close friendship.

My husband has said many times that in retrospect, they never had much of a friendship because everything they shared was superficial, and their friendship was built on lies and selfishness. Looking back he has talked about many ways that she did not act like a friend, and he didn’t either, but I would bet that his lover will never admit that, because it would mean that she was partially responsible for what happened too.

Anyway, the point of all of this is, I wonder if she tried to hang onto the friendship so much and denied that the sex was anything important so she, too, wouldn’t feel like such a slut…….

I guess I’ll never know.

When will this torture end?

Today I passed her for the third time on the road. Each time, I feel like a carrot has been dangled in front of me and then snatched away. I want some contact from her, either to know that there is a part deep down that is capable of genuine, heartfelt compassion, or that she is incapable of that and then I'd know for sure. She is a mystery to me, both fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

I feel that God will someday answer my prayer, but these brief seconds keep me in agony, both feeding my desire to see her, and crushing my hopes that it will happen that day all at once.

It is such torture to not even have a face for the woman who tried to ruin my life. The woman who made love to my husband is a phantom in my mind: a complete stranger that sometimes I picture as a jezebel with horns, other times a bratty, self-centered spoiled child, and even other times, a hurt and wounded soul, desperate for one person to genuinely care for it.

Which is the real one? Is any even close?

God, I am begging you to grant me some relief from this torture.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
we are being assaulted from all sides right now. Help us to plow through the garbage and focus on what we need to. Help us to deal with others with love, but not let them have undue control over our lives.
Help me to support my husband right now. He is struggling so much and I don't know how to help him. Help me show that I love and respect him and ache when he aches, hurt when he hurts. Don't let us turn on each other now and be impatient, because outside of Your sweet love, Oh, Lord, all we have right now is each other. Help us lean on each other and You.
Amen.

What you've done right

You cut off contact from her.
You made sure things were strictly business so she didn't hold onto hope of a friendship.
You have done everything you can to get her out of our life.
You cancelled your cell phone.
You set up counseling and our Retrouvaille weekend.
You are so attentive to our son.
You help out around the house.
You spend so much of your free time with us.
You are willing to talk, cry, listen, and hold me.
You have answered all my questions.
You are up front about where you are.
You call me all day to tell me you love me.
You share your struggles with me.
You don't leave or walk away when I am angry.
You are willing to do anything that might bring healing.
You do thoughtful things like bathe our son and let me sleep in.
You do thoughtful things like buy a book on sleeping, send me flowers, and clean out the fridge.
You give up guy time when things aren't right with me.
You blog faithfully.
You show remorse and repentance.
You don't hide from the problems and take responsibility for your actions.
You pray the rosary faithfully and pray with me every night.
You didn't take a lot of classes and perpetuate the problem.
You never get defensive.
You came clean with your parents and talked to mine right away.
You offered to support me even if we separated.
You have bonded with our son and made him love you.

Trusting and Letting Go

I have asked Our Lord so many times, now, to grant me some contact from my husband's lover. I want so badly to know that there is some understanding between us..... that she can comprehend a little bit of what she did, and that she can know that I'm not her enemy. I pray religiously for her every day.

God knows what I desire, and now I have to trust that when the time is right, if it ever is, that He will grant my request. Maybe someday He can give me that little but oh, so important reward for me trying to love my enemy.

Oh, how I wish You would......

My Code of Conduct - May need revision over time

Being a faithful daughter of God is my first calling. I must pray every day and not engage in any behavior that takes away from that calling.
My vocation in life is to be my husband's wife. My responsibilities to him are second only to my responsibilities to God. By putting the emphasis on our love together, we are giving our children a precious gift: a happy and loving home.
I will not do anything that could jeopardize my marriage. I will be faithful in the little things and big things. I recognize that there are small ways, not just big, that I can say "no" to my vows.
I will be a submissive wife and trust in the graces my husband was given in our sacrament to do what is best for us.
I will raise our children to love and respect God, themselves, and others.
I will teach them to be grateful for the hard work of their father and how he provides for us.
I will try to focus on the blessings, not sorrows in my life so I can give my family a warm and happy home.
I will keep evil out of my home.

How do we heal?

It's been four and a half months since revelation, and I am still asking that question. Time, prayer, toughing it out, holding each other when we cry, seeking others for help, all seem to be a part of it.

We are not healed yet, but I feel like we are doing all we can. We just have to be patient. God will reward our faithfulness. I'm sure.

My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?

Today being Friday I said the Sorrowful Mysteries. In my daily rosary, I have tried to be much better about meditating on the particular mystery, instead of rattling off the prayers without much thought, or only thinking about what I hoped to get out of the prayers.

All through the rosary, though, I kept thinking about the first mystery, the Agony in the Garden. For the first time, I feel like I KNOW what Christ was going through. Now I know that my suffering and problems are nothing compared with His, but everybody has a different tolerance for pain. I think I've reached my max. Our Lord being alone, begging God for comfort, being tempted by Satan and the world be dark and hostile. The next day from the cross, He said to His Father, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" If the Savior who knows all still had those feelings, then I feel a little better having them myself. I KNOW that God hasn't abandoned me, but I FEEL like He has. I cry for hours every day and find no relief from the pain. I pray and I pray and I pray, and I feel like God has stopped listening.

My God,
I willingly admit my weaknesses. I am frail. I need signs. I need to know You're still with me in my grief. I beg you to give me some comfort. Please offer me some sign that You're still here, rooting for us to get through this. My devotion and love for You is not dependent on how you answer my prayers. You have done so much for me. But I desperately need Your intervention, if You can find a way to give it, even though I am not deserving. I love you so much. Why does love have to hurt?

101st blog entry

This is my 101st blog entry. I have been recording our healing process for four months now. How far have we come?

I've gotten to a place where I don't believe my husband cares for the other woman anymore. We have survived the fear, reality, and finally release from the possibility of another child. We have paid her, so she shoudn't be able to hurt us anymore. We are both working equally hard to show the other than we care about our marriage and future. We are sleeping together again. Our therapist has cut back our sessions because she doesn't feel we need as many. We are emotionally, spiritually, and physically close.

What still needs work?
I still have doubts that my husband loves me. The pain when I imagine them together is still crippling. We both still cry a lot. I still feel like my life revolves around the affair and only find relief from the pain when I am busy.

I guess, all in all, we're not too bad, considering. We knew this would be hard, but I am in it for the long haul if my Love is. Hopefully, when I reach 201, the second paragraph will be very short.

Happy 101st entry, Baby. We've come a long way.

If it's a blue dress, it has to be Prada

Beloved,
I wish I could answer those questions. I feel like we are both committed to each other, both very much in love, emotionally and spiritually close, yet we have no joy. Maybe we aren't praying enough, like you had said. Maybe we need to try the EMDR and jumpstart our minds into letting go. At this point, I'm willing to try just about anything.

I can't wait for the day when our intimacy doesn't bring any sadness, and when we go out on a date and don't talk or think about the affair. That to me will be real progress. Until then, we'll keep going to counseling and spiritual direction, keep talking, keep holding each other when we cry, and keep praying. Hard.

I love you.

End of the Novena

Today is my last day of my novena for the other woman. I have been asking St. Therese to work a miracle in her life and let me know that one has happened. I didn't specify the miracle or how I would find out. Yesterday my husband and I got into a long blog discussion. He proposed that maybe God did answer my prayer already and that's why she hasn't bothered us. That may be.

I feel like in order for me to have faith in humanity again and not look at every human I meet as my enemy, I have to know that she has grown through this situation in some way. That a part of her feels remorse, regret, or wants to do things differently next time. She is the absolute most heartless, hard, selfish, callous person I've ever met. I desperately want to know that she is not beyond reform, not that God CAN give her a change of heart, but that He WILL.

I know that it's not up to me to save her and that God is the only one who can do that, and I also know that I think about her way too much; much more than I know she's ever thought about me. I need to let her go, but I don't know how. I want to pray for her every day because I feel that I'm the only person who is, but at the same time, maybe that's making me think of her too much for my own good.

A part of me still wants so badly to go see her at work, not to see if she's pregnant anymore, but just to see her face. I'm afraid, though, in case she is pregnant. I don't even think that's a possibility anymore, but if she is, then I will always be living in fear and it will have raised doubts that I've finally gotten rid of. That's not a possibility to me anymore. Truly. But she could have gotten pregnant since, and then how would that make me feel? Miserable, I already know.

I guess I don't have any answers. I just would like to know some day that she has become a better person.

Dear Lord,
please guide my heart. Help me to surrender to your will. If it is Your will that we never hear from her again, help me to accept that and move on without it. You have taken such wonderful care of us through this and I need to trust that you can see the big picture. Thank you.

And if you're right

Dearest Love,
this is very hard for me to write because I know I've already disappointed you once today. On the one hand, she could have decided not to send anything because a. She was thinking about sending the letters we asked for and decided not to out of spite, b. it was a test to see if you really weren't going to respond, c. she wanted to keep us in suspense, d. she wanted to let you know that you can't cut her out completely, or e. she was just giving us the bare minimum she always has to be a bitch.
On the other hand, you could be right. Maybe she was going to send you something completely vile, and didn't because God is already working in her. If that's the case, I know it brings you great comfort, but it actually makes me miserable, because it means that I will never have my questions answered. It has been so hard on me to have this horrible, vile enemy who has hurt me so much that has never had any contact with me except for her snotty remarks on the phone. It is hard that I wrote her from my heart and she ignored it. It is hard that I can never know her feelings and her side of the story. She has kept so much from us and were are left with so many questions.

If you are right, then it means that as with so much in this situation, I just have to let go and live with the fact that I can't have things the way I want. This is just another area where I have to live with endless doubts and questions that will never be answered.

This isn't fair.

Do you see and accept me as I really am?

Dearest Love,
this is the hardest question yet because I am constantly torn about what I feel and what I know. I believe that you know me better than anyone: my mom, my brothers, my friends. I believe that you are staying with me because you love me. It is very painful right now, and I don't know what would be as strong a reason as going through this pain other than love.

Sometimes, though, I have doubts, because you cheated on me. It's hard for me to accept that you love me and accept me for who I am if you chose someone else for a while. It's hard for me not to give into the feeling that you prefer someone else, that you have the knowledge of who I really am, and that having that knowledge, you can't accept me.

I guess on both sides I feel you SEE me as I really am, but sometimes I doubt that you accept me.....

Love Always,

Your Wife

Do I see and accept you as you really are?

My Love,
This is a difficult question. I think six months ago I would have said absolutely. But six months ago, I didn't know you as deeply as I do now. That would have been honest then, for the information I had.

Only now, though, seeing your vulnerability, can I answer that with a truer honesty. Now that I have been given the gift of seeing your weaker side, seeing your vulnerability, can I answer that I believe I do see and accept you as you really are. Until now, you and I didn't know each other as deeply. We had both been showing each other masks. I didn't want you to see that I needed help and wasn't always superwoman. You didn't want me to see or even see it in yourself that you too are vulnerable to temptation. I love this man I'm married to even more now than I did before the affair. He is infinitely more precious to me because I see that he needs protection too.

I have to wonder, though, is my trying to get you to lose weight, say the right thing in front of my parents, act a certain way around our families me NOT accepting you are you really are? Would I not love you if you didn't? I absolutely would. But is me still trying to control those things me rejecting a part of you?

I don't know the answer, my Love. What are your thoughts?

Love,

Me

What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?

Beloved,
there were many. I'm trying to think back to my initial impressions of you. I thought you were handsome. You were the oldest of the guys in our little group at the Mission, and for some reason that was attractive to me, probably because you were on your own and were just more mature than the others. I remember liking your ideas for the newsletter. I also liked your confidence and assuredness in speaking.

I have said this many times, but the first time that I started to look at you differently was that day in the park when you stopped the two bums from fighting. I thought you very brave and began to admire you in a whole new way. One time when the youth group was together you raised your arms above your head stretching and your shirt came up a little. I saw your belly button and the hair right below it. I knew nothing of men, and had never looked at anyone erotically? before. But when I saw that, there was something very masculine about the hair and I felt a stirring inside me. At the time I didn't know what sexual feelings really were, but in hindsight, I think that's what I felt.

I liked the sharing we started through email. It was a new and exciting friendship for me. I began to look forward, almost like an obsession (as everything I care about tends to become!) to every form of communication between us. I would hang on your every word, and when you and I would exchange a glance my heart would literally skip a beat. That day in the park when you told me about your past, my heart broke for you, and it was the first and last time in years that I saw how vulnerable you could be. There was such a strength in showing your weakness to me: taking off your mask.

Obviously, my feelings matured and deepend over time, but those are the initial things that first made me fall in love with you.

Faithfully,

Your wife

Where do I think God should be in our relationship?

Beloved,

I think God should be the only thing standing between us. Years ago, long before you and I started dating, I attended one of many Opus Dei retreats with my Mom. I remember the priest talking about how love between a man and woman is like a triangle with us at two points and God at the third. he said that when we move ourselves upwards to God, we naturally become closer as well.

God has helped us so much in our marriage, and I firmly believe God brought us together. As long as we continue to reach out to Him, pray together, and use His example as our guidebook, then we can and WILL be happy. I have to remember everyday that the progress we've made is not because either of us are strong or wise, but because God has given and daily gives us the tools we need to fulfill our promises to each other.

I look to you to show me how to love Him. You are the head of our family, and I trust in your guidance and wisdom. God gave you the graces when we received our sacrament to lead us. You just have to reach out and accept them.

Love,

Your Wife

I need your help in......

My Love,
your confidence is something that is very attractive in you. Right now you seem to have a healthy mixture of confidence and humility, that is so appealing.

It is hard for me to ask help from you. It is hard for me to show vulnerability, I think because my Mom never had much patience for it. After Benedict was born, I felt like I was drowning most of the time in the fatigue, pain, and overwhelming new responsibility. I should have asked for help, but didn't want you to worry or have additional burdens. I also didn't want you to think I wasn't a good mother to our new son.

I need your help by accepting that confidence isn't one of my qualities, and being patient when I put myself down. I want you to remind me of my better qualities and lovingly help me see that perhaps I'm not being reasonable.

I need your continued help with Benedict when you are able. You have been so helpful with that, and I just need you to continue exactly as you have been doing.

I also need to know that you are still committed to working through our problems. Please don't be impatient with our progress or at times what feels like a lack of progress. I need to know that you are always willing to fight for us and our love. I need to know that you don't ever regret staying with me and not going to her.

Love,

Your gentler half

How do I feel about continuing to dialogue this week?

Dearest Love,
You are so amazing. Very few husbands would be so willing to discuss feelings. I know it isn't always easy for you, but you have never shown irritation or resentment by my needing it.

I feel excited about dialoguing with you this week and in the future. It is excitement over facing the unknown, kind of like I described in my last letter to you on the weekend. I am so eager to grow closer to you and stronger as a couple. I get excited to read your blog everyday even though I know sometimes what you have to say is painful, because I truly see any insight into your beautiful soul as a gift. In general, maybe we don't have to use their specific format for writing, but sometimes it might be helpful. I feel like you and I are getting very good at communication, and that has been something that I have always been proud of in our relationship and in you.

I can see times when we need to ask for dialogue and use their format if there is a sensitive issue and one of us worries that our feelings might be rejected or belittled. If we begin to feel that way, one of us must ask for a time out to write and then discuss or ask for a safe moment to express feelings.

In our dialoguing this week, whatever form we use, I know that some things might come out that cause pain, but that's okay. It is a step towards a closer and deeper love than we already have.

Love Always,

Your Spouse

Retrouvaille Questions

These are the questions that we were given last. I can't remember which ones you had completed, so I'm going to post them all. When you answer, please put each question in a new posting. I will try to get to at least one of them today. I love you, Darling.

Why do I want to go on living?
I need your help specifically in_____________.
Where do I think God should be in our relationship?
What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?
Do I see and accept you as you really are?
Do you see and accept me as I really am?
What are my feelings about our sexual relationship?

Humiliation/Violation

A few weeks ago I mentioned to our counselor that sometimes I wanted to go to the Mall to see the other woman. Not to talk, just to see her. She asked me if I would be embarrassed to be caught doing that, and I said no.

Maybe under other circumstances I would be embarrassed, but I have suffered the worst humiliation possible: my husband making love to another woman. So shortly into our marriage, my husband was interested in someone else, enough to break his vows. As a woman and a wife, I can't imagine anything being more degrading or humiliating. I know this isn't true, but a part of me feels I won't ever be embarrassed by anything else again.

Something else that ties into this. I don't know if someone said it or if I asked it of myself, but at some point the idea of her feeling that all the questions I was asking, all the knowledge I was gathering about her might seem to her a violation. How would I feel if she knew as much about me as I do her? The honest answer: I wouldn't care. What is a worse violation that her having sex with my husband? What is worse than the two of them having such an obsession that they would speak for hours on the phone every day? What is a bigger violation that the teensy amount of time my husband condescendingly gave me he would be texting her all the while? How can her having my address or knowing where I work, what car I drive, be any worse than those things?

I can't imagine anything more degrading than the man who has pledged before God to love you forever carrying on with another woman. What is worse, is they have nothing in common, and he knew from the beginning that she was a slut. How can I ever recover from this.......?

Dear Lord,
I feel so miserable today. So worthless. It is so hard to believe that my husband can love me sometimes. It is hard for me to accept his love after what he did. Help me to feel like I have some value again, especially to my husband. Please comfort me and us today.
Amen.

Surprise bad night

Yesterday was a good day. We seem to have more and more of those. Before bed, we started to get intimate, when I was attacked by visions of my husband having sex with the other woman. I became so angry with him. I think only one time have we had intimacy without me picturing them. It isn't fair. I started screaming at him. Talking about the vulgar and filthy things he did using vulgar and filthy words. He said to stop. That it wasn't me. I asked him later if it would make it more palatable for me to say "making love to your best friend." He said no. That is much harder for me to think of because it sounds noble and dignified, which what they did certainly wasn't.

As I was screaming at him, I pounded my fists into his chest. When I stopped, he banged his head and fist into a wall, and started hitting his own head. It was awful. We both then just collapsed and cried.

What happened next is very unusual for us. We didn't talk anymore. I went to bed and fell asleep, almost right away. My husband sat in our baby's room for a while, then came to our room and sat next to the bed for a few hours. I have never been able to sleep when there's something on my mind. Last night, however, I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted some relief from the pain. I didn't even feel motivated to make things right before bed.

This morning we were very passionate together. We still didn't talk a lot, and now still haven't. Things just don't feel right and I don't know why.

Just to note

Our counselor has cut back our sessions to every other week now. I guess that's a tiny sign that we're making headway!

A task

I don't know why, but I have felt compelled to spiritually reach out to the other woman. I have not only felt a need to pray for her, but I want to. I want to help her. I want to be her friend from a distance, that she never knows she has. I realize that if I do not pray for her, she might never have anyone else to. Because of this ugly ugly business, both of our futures have been somehow changed by the other. I don't want to know her, but I want to help her because our lives somehow became so interwoven. Maybe if I pray for her, someday it will do some good.

I have also come to another realization, or maybe it's another another holy peace and step in my healing. I don't want to go see her. I don't want to try and meet her. I want, if it be God's will, for Him to orchestrate it completely, for both of our healing. I no longer want to make it happen. If it be God's will, I leave it to Him to plan it.

Dear Lord,
I trust in You. I have had moments of weakness and doubts, for which I am ashamed, but I said in Confession that I am resolved to do better. You can see the future much better than I. I trust in Your holy insight that You can make all things right. Please use this horrible circumstance to make both of us better, stronger, wiser women. Bless her. Bless me. Not because we, either of us are worthy, but because we are both Your daughters. She doesn't know it, but her heart wants Your love too.

A week together

My husband took a week off from work. Tonight ends this beautiful break together. We went to the mountains over night, and spent the rest of the week very quietly at home.

The beginning of the week was difficult. We met an estranged family member and seemed to dwell a lot on our own pain. As the week went on, though, I started to have more peace. I don't know when it or how, but at some point I stopped worrying that there was another baby. I felt ashamed for my lack of faith.

Right now, all I feel is a desire for the other woman to have peace now too. I don't feel anymore that she could hurt us. I don't worry about there being a baby. I want her to be able to move on too, and I hope that her not writing hasn't made it impossible for her.

My husband and I are strong. Her power is no more because she doesn't have that means of leverage against us. I feel confident that we are going to survive this, and that we can be happy again.

Dear Lord,
forgive me my weakness. I haven't been a very good daughter lately. I have been plagued by doubts and fears, forgetting Your beautiful signs, and doubting that Your will is being done. Please forgive me my frailties. Is there no end to my weakness?

I love You so much and and resolved to do better, with Your merciful help.

Protection

The past few days have been hard. I have been feeling very vulnerable, and have been acutely aware of how dangerous my husband's behavior was. It's been hard to let go of the fact that we can't have proof that the other baby's gone. That uncertainty is just one of the many ways that the situation has left our family vulnerable.

He could have given me an STD since the other woman is very promiscuous, and she even mentioned once a fear of having something.

He risked our finances by creating another child to support.

By bringing another woman into our lives, he risked her being psychotic and and dangerous when crossed.

I wanted my husband to ensure that she could never harm us in some legal way, but realistically, there's nothing he can do to stop her if she really wants to be a problem in our lives. I need to trust that my husband will do all he can, and that God will take care of the rest. God is the only one I should put my absolute and unconditional faith in. My husband will do all he can, but he has limitations that God does not.

Please, Lord, keep our family safe from harm.

Urgent

Today I feel an urgent need to pray. I woke up and said my rosary before even getting out of bed. I keep praying the Memorare, over and over. I don't know what is different about today. Maybe nothing we'll ever know, but I have to pray urgently. Darling, please join me.

I have to let go

I counseling last night I was told that my expectations for proof are unrealistic and that I'm trying to control things that I just can't. That is so hard for me because I feel like absolutely nothing from the past 8 months has been in my control and that my need for proof is not so much to ask considering everything I've gone through. When I think about not being able to have this piece of the puzzle, it makes me feel resentful towards my husband. But I know that isn't reasonable because he really is doing all he can.

I logically understand why we can't press the issue of proof. Honestly, I agree with that logic too. Now, I need to let go and trust in God's wisdom and mercy. My husband has been trying so hard, but he does have limitations. God does not.

I need to start saying the Litany of Abandonment again like I did a while ago.

Lord,
forgive me my lack of trust in You. If I allow these doubts to rule me, then I have wasted our sweet daughter's life. I'm sorry for my weakness, Lord, but I also can't overcome it without You. Help me lose the need to have proof. Faith doesn't require proof. Give me a serenity in knowing that Your will is being done. When it seems hard to perservere, teach me to abandon myself to You, Oh Christ.

Teach me faith. Amen.

dream

I dreamt last night that she gave us everything we asked for, and we finally found peace. I keep praying to the saints and God to soften her heart to give us the reassurances we need. Maybe this was His way of telling me everything's going to be okay.

Benedicamus Domino.

Black Saturday

Saturday was a very bad day for us. I feel like the devil was working harder than us than he had in three months.

I was feeling very unprotected and vulnerable. I was upset that my husband hadn't found a way to eliminate her completely from our lives (we had requested a letter saying she would but didn't push the issue before giving her money). I felt that she could still come after us because we didn't have anything in writing.

When I voiced these concerns to my husband, he said that the only way to eliminate her was to kill her. I don't think that he was seriously considering that, but it scared me. I felt all of the sudden that this was much too hard. Why were we putting ourselves through this? For a moment not only did I not feel hope that we could heal, but I doubted that I even wanted to try.

My husband was so grief stricken when he saw how he scared me. He was so remorseful, repentant...... I was ashamed for wanting to give up.

We both feel remorse and regret over this Saturday. We can't feel we're too strong to withstand all attacks. We are still very vulnerable.

Sts. Rita and Therese, grant us peace.

long week

My husband has been a way for a few days, and boy has it been hard. I miss him so much. I feel so safe when he's with me, and very vulnerable when he's so far away.

She said she might be sending something in the mail. I go back and forth about what it means and what she might send. I hope she never does......I hope she does right away so we can know she has closure and leaves us alone. I go back and forth.

I told my husband that I was thinking a short separation might be good for us, but know I don't know. We are having a prodigal family member coming home so I know our attention will be focused there for a while. It's just all so much.

I feel tired.

Proud

My husband,
I am very proud of your letter, and how you handled all the events after "revelation." Your priority, as it should be, has been to make things right with me. However, you did the decent thing by her too. I know it was hard apologizing to her and humbling admitting that you know you deserve hell, but it took a lot of character to say it anyway. Did she deserve your kind words? Not at all. But we have to behave in a way that is decent for our own sake, not for anyone else's. I hope you always look back on your treatment of her since the affair (cutting off contact, etc.) and feel satisfaction that you finally were doing the right thing.

When I compare how you have talked to her vs. her responses to you, you have both proved your character. Yes, you weren't warm, but you also weren't cruel or spiteful. Her actions now show what kind of woman she is inside: bitter, angry, hateful, and entirely unable to accept responsibility for her actions or feel remorse. There's something almost inhuman being that devoid of tender honest feelings.

Thank God you didn't end up with her. A few more months of her poison and you could have been just as jaded and thoroughly perverse.

And...then back again

For the first time this weekend, I started to feel some pity for the other woman. I realized that her hate is the result of deep wounds. I also sympathized with her wanting closure. Last night she e-mailed my husband denying her own responsibility in what happened and closed with "You are pathetic and I hope you burn in hell." It was a wake up call to me that she isn't a nice person. Regardless of her pain, she still has a responsibility to behave decently. She can't be trusted, and the pain in her life is just because she tried to break up a marriage. What would have been unjust would be for her to have gotten my husband in the end. She tried to steal, lie, manipulate, and seduce, and she got exactly what she deserved.

I feel at peace with the letters we sent, and that we gave her money for her bills. I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about her. We both did everything we could to behave decently to all involved.

My Letter

I felt the need to write you and tell you that I am finally in a place where I can say I forgive you, and let you know that I pray for you every day. That may not mean anything to you, but I thought I’d tell you in case it could in any way give you comfort during this painful time (and I know it’s very painful). You have never acknowledged my existence, and I think you feel that this doesn’t involve me, but as I have been deeply hurt by both yours and ____’s actions, I need closure too. I know that you, justifiably, want that for yourself. You should know that my husband also has my forgiveness. His whole-hearted drive to save our marriage gives testament to his sincerity in working through this with me. Not that it is easy. I can hardly remember a day without tears but have hope that they will once again be in our future. You should also know that I have asked very little of him. Everything he’s doing now is of his own volition. I have made no threats or demands.

For as long as I have known _____ (almost eight years), I have seen how admired he was by the women around him. Although I have always thought him handsome, what was always most attractive to me, and I think other women sensed it instinctually when near him, was his character, his strength, confidence, and his goodness. Even if those weren’t what you thought about consciously when you started a relationship with him, I am sure that on some level you were attracted to those qualities. He is a special and rare person, and the only man I have ever loved. I want you to realize that had he continued in a relationship with you, had he left me and our son to be with you, it would have killed in him what was always so beautiful. His soul and his integrity were severely jeopardized by his involvement with you, but had he walked out on his marriage and family, they would have been lost forever. You never would have been happy with him because you couldn’t respect him and would be living in fear that he would abandon you as he did us. Because of what he did with you, he became a liar, sneak, and cheater: traits that were entirely foreign to him before, but that you had to be very much aware of during the affair. I hope that you are able to understand all this and maybe be glad you were saved from more time invested in a relationship that could have only ended in bitterness, had you gotten what you thought you wanted.

I know you believed for a while that you loved him. The idea of any woman loving my husband is not a surprise. Loving someone, though, means you want what is best for him. Ruining his marriage, dividing his time from his wife and brand new baby, deliberately enticing him to behavior that you knew was contrary to his beliefs as a Christian were not evidence of true love, but an entirely self-serving need within you. The same is true of his behavior. He did not treat you with love or respect. His actions were equally selfish, and he understands that now.

This situation is heartbreaking. By giving ____ your body without any assurance of his love for you, you put such a low price on yourself. You gave yourself to a man without insisting on a commitment, demanding that he be with only you (I can’t imagine any woman’s fantasy being a quick encounter before her lover hurries home to someone else, as you knew he would do), or without even knowing that your feelings were returned! Sex doesn’t equal love for a man. Unfortunately, a man will only value a woman as much as she demands and respect her as much as she shows she does herself. You told him that he could have your body without any strings attached while simultaneously giving his name, possessions, and commitment to someone else. It is his sin that he could live in such duplicity, taking only part of each of us and giving himself fully to neither.

These actions have only brought pain and misery to all involved. There are no winners here. You're left with a wounded heart, anger, lost time, and for awhile, a child with a man who doesn't want you in his life, among many other consequences that I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine or understand. I am left with a marriage that was almost destroyed and possibly years of rebuilding it ahead, trying to regain lost trust, coping with the ultimate betrayal and overwhelming feelings of rejection, not to mention living with the change in how our family looks at him and us (he confessed to them what he did). ____ is left with the knowledge that he hurt the woman he loves, lost her confidence, trust and the respect of our family, lost precious time during his son’s infancy he can never get back because his focus was on you, carries the guilt that he lived as a liar and cheater, and created a life with someone he never considered being a part of his future. You do not have to worry about ____ not hurting enough for his actions. His pain is I think even greater than my own, because his conscience plagues him for what he did. He is truly a broken man, something that I know is impossible to convey through an email or letter. The affair was a failure and betrayal of his true self; he let himself and everyone down because he is capable of so much better. I know this doesn’t begin to encompass all the ways everyone has been affected. I pray that you don't suffer from another tragedy like this one again.

I know that you don’t feel you owe anything to me because we are strangers. In some sense you are correct. But on the other hand, every human being is called to treat another with the most basic respect. Not stealing someone’s spouse is a fundamental, universally accepted principle. Just because ____ was complicit and willing didn’t make his involvement with you right, because what he gave you was not his completely to give. Deep down you must have known this.

Life can be so hard out there for a woman. I’m sure you know this even better than I do. Men mistreat and use us all the time. Isn’t it that much worse, then, when a woman knowingly destroys another woman’s life, as you tried to do to mine? Every woman has a dignity given by God. Maybe if you truly realize and accept that in yourself, you will be able to recognize it in others, preventing you later on from heartlessly (what else could it be?) trying to ruin some other wife’s dreams because you want what is hers for yourself.

I pray God will grant you happiness and peace,

P.S. It was never ____ intention not to help you with the bills. Never. He was more than willing to pay them all, in fact. We just want peace. I am begging you to leave my family alone so we can all try to move on and heal.

Rollercoaster

This has been a very eventful couple of days. The situation with the other woman finally exploded with her seeking legal counsel, and sending a letter to my husband about what a horrible human being he is for shirking his responsibilities and ignoring her and she doesn't deserve him (I can agree with the last part!). He wrote a letter back explaining that he never meant to avoid his responsibilities, but his responsibilities are to his wife and child first and foremost. He also Told her that she isn't innocent in this either because she knew he was married and had a child and still pursued a relationship with him.
I wrote her a letter too, which I will post as well. We decided to go ahead and send her the money for her bills. We'll never know for sure if it was his, but in case it was, it is part of his responsibility to pay.

I don't feel angry with her anymore. What she did was wrong and there is no excuse for that, but all she feels is pain and anger. Her past has shaped her into the bitter, heartless, selfish person she is now, but it is pain that has made her such. I wish I knew if she was sorry, but that is a wish I do not hope will ever be fulfilled in my lifetime. The fact that she told him she wants closure but can't have it makes me pity her, but for that alone. I have wanted closure and hope my letter gives that. I can understand her wanting it too.

In addition to those feelings, I feel fear over what her next actions might be. She is incredibly angry. I know I can't be paralyzed by "what ifs" but as the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I almost wish that she would write one last nasty letter to him so that we could know for sure that she had closure.

Heavenly Father,
please grant all three of us peace. We are trying to move on. We need to move on. Please heal our wounds and help us all to find happiness again. We ask that you bring someone into her life to bring her to You. I know that You love her too, and if we don't pray for her, there probably isn't anyone else going to do it either.

2 a.m.

It’s two a.m. as I write this. I am exhausted and somewhat tipsy, but I can’t sleep. Yesterday evening was very hard. The enormity of our situation was oppressive. I felt all the injustice of the affair: how selfish and unwarranted my husband’s actions were. How deep his betrayal was. I began to doubt again his love for me. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe that someone could do something so horrible and still love you.

But then, as is so often the case, my thoughts turn to her. I know that she was a stranger to me and she was only able to hurt me because my husband allowed it, but I hate knowing that she is out there feeling moral indignation over his treatment of her, and never once acknowledging her treatment of him or of me and my baby. She told my husband that his was the character in question, not hers. The fact that he did something horrible was not a fact he ever denied. In fact, it was something they argued about because she didn’t see the big deal. He knows what he did. He knows what he allowed himself to become. He has taken responsibility for his selfishness. What is so terribly infuriating is how she denies any responsibility in this and that the situation she is in now is largely her making.

She not only didn’t have a problem with the months that she knew he was sneaking and lying, but she encouraged it. She had no problem screwing over another female. She had no compassion for a stranger. She gladly gave her body away to a man she knew was not free to return her love. She happily divided a man’s attention away from his wife and brand new son and spent her free time with him instead of her own family. She didn’t respect his wishes not to have sex again. Once I found out about the affair, she said she wanted to still be friends with him but as a friend, showed no interest or support of him trying to heal his marriage. She tried to conceal from him that she had lost the baby. She altered receipts. Maybe she felt that since he was willing in all of this, it was okay. But what he gave he was not free to. He had responsibilities elsewhere. His actions were selfish and irresponsible, but not to her. He had made no vow to her. He had made no profession of love. Because she slept with him did not make him indebted to her.

She spoke of his responsibilities, but could only see those she felt he had to her. For months, she saw him ignore his responsibilities to his family and didn’t care. If he had left me, she would have been happy. She has no right to any moral indignation here. She is only angry because she didn’t end up with what she wanted.

These are just a few of the things I wish he could say to her.

Free

Today I woke up feeling completely free from the other woman. I don't feel she can hurt us anymore. Her spell over my husband is broken and she's not carrying his child. She can't do anything else to us now.

We don't have the letters yet, so technically we are still temporarily tied to her, but I don't feel she has any power over us or me now. I don't respect her, I don't admire her, and don't care what she does anymore. Her spell over me is broken too.

Thanks be to God.

Courageous or scared?

Over the past few days I've been involved in a very painful fight with a person I used to consider a friend. In her final communication with me, she said that she has painfully witnessed over and over again me making the "proper" choice instead of the "Courageous, just" choice. She said that I am motivated entirely out of self preservation, when real love calls for courage.

This debate has reminded me again the value in not sharing very personal things with others, like the affair. One of my biggest fears in telling the few people we did was that I would be judged as being weak and co-dependant for staying with my husband. I also hated feeling that people would look at him differently. In reality, this is an incredibly difficult choice, and I think the hardest thing God has asked of me. Do I love him? Absolutely. Would it be easier to walk away, though, and try to find someone else? Society would say yes without hesitation. In the long run, though, I know that wouldn't be best for me, him, or our son. Maybe my decision was made partially out of self preservation, but not just for myself: for my marriage. Can't the courageous choice be "proper" too? No one can understand another's struggles completely. Someone who is so quick to judge the most difficult life decisions of another are no friend.

I feel so totally unjustly judged. Thank God I never shared any of this with her, because she would have called me a coward behind my back for this too.

Hope

I feel really good today. I am confident that there isn't another baby, even though we don't have the proof, and I am convinced more and more that she's a con artist. I found out through searching public records that she is still married. She lied to him from the very beginning. Why would she do that unless she was conniving that it would lead somewhere?

Aside from that, though, I feel like she is less and less of an issue for us. I'm beginning to doubt her ability to hurt us. What could she say that we could possibly believe? What could she do that would hurt us more than the pain we've just gone through and survived? If she tries coming near us, we issue a restraining order and sue her. She can't control us anymore.

Lord,
we're so close to the end. help us rid her from our life once and for all. Amen.

Finally Back

On May 21st, it will be exactly three months since the revelation. That first night, my husband went to a hotel. during the early days, he slept in the guest room bed. Then he moved to the floor. Then he began sleeping on the floor in the bathroom. Gradually he moved to our room, but slept on the floor. He then began to spend a couple hours in the early morning next to me.

Finally, on Saturday, he joined me for the first time in what seemed like forever, for the whole night. Praise be to God! I have missed my love for so long! I know that things aren't back to a fully functional, healthy marriage yet, but this is another step towards that goal.

Thank you, Beloved, for coming back to me. I love you.

Happy

I feel so happy tonight. I'm not sure why. We watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Maybe it was seeing how totally messed up their situation was but they still managed to get through it. I understand and empathize with Maggie who terribly wants her husband to sleep with her. Maybe it was because I feel that this trial is almost over. Maybe it's because I am finally trusting.

Whatever the reason, I just feel happy. What a blessed break from the anxiety and tears.

Power

In counseling yesterday, we realized that my own past and issues has greatly affected how I view the other woman. I have always struggled with my female peers. I have always wanted to feel accepted and appreciated by them, but never really have. As such, my best friends have tended to be male. Men are less petty, catty, and spiteful.

One of the many painful aspects in this is that she has never once acknowledged my existence. She went after my husband brazenly although she knew he was married. After they had sex and he said it was a sin and couldn't happen again because he was married, she blew it off and wouldn't accept that it was a big deal. Through her dealings with him since I found out, she has never acknowleged my existence. She sees this affair as just between her and him.

I guess without realizing it, I have felt that she is just one more female who has belittled my existence.

I have been obsessed with her since I found out about the affair. I have wanted to know what she looks like, where she works, her family, her interests, her habits. I think this is because of two reasons: One, my husband hid so much from me that now I want to know absolutely everything he does, and two, I want to know what the fascination was: what she had that I didn't.

Although we have come to realize that the affair was much more about my husband's vulnerability at that time and that she was just something that made him feel good, it's hard for me not to let it play into my own insecurities. My husband has often said that if he could change one thing about me, it would be my lack of confidence in myself. A part of me wonders if that was what he liked about her. Was she confident? Obviously, to think she'd be successful in breaking up a marriage. I told my husband that I never want him to mention my confidence again, because he proved that all my insecurities were correct by choosing another woman over me. That may not be the best response, and I know intellectually that the affair was more about him than me, but I feel horribly inadequate as a wife. Even more than before.

I can't let her have this kind of power over me. Her opinion, her lifestyle, her actions, her morals are all things I can't respect. I know that my husband cheated. I know that it was possible he created a life with her. What more could she possibly do to hurt me? Anything she says I know could be motivated by spite and a desire to hurt him through me. We know that she has been deceitful so I couldn't trust what she'd say anyway. How could she hurt us anymore?

Lord,
help me to let her go. Help me to quit comparing myself to her. Help me to see my own value and not base that off of the actions of others. When we put this in our past, please help me let go of this piece of it too. Amen.

Eager for the Spring

My Darling,
today I happily put aside blogging about the affair, the other woman, and the baby. I write about us.

As we become spiritually and emotionally more connected, I begin to long for the other way that as husband and wife we should be united. Our winter was long this year. Months and months of a bitter chill, even though the sun was shining brightly.

Since the physical bond is supposed to be a culmination of the spiritual and emotional bond of a husband and wife, I understand why we can't share in that most sweet fruit right now. The wounds aren't healed yet, and the association is still very painful. I don't want to rush it and risk our first time together being painful and sorrowful.

On the other hand, I feel like we are healing and are connecting again like we did in the beginning. I am falling in love with you all over again, and just like when I did the first time, I could never be close enough to or long enough with you. But also like the first time, I have to wait for you until the time is right. It was hard denying ourselves during our seemingly endless engagement, but how much more joyous, then, was it to be united on our wedding night! I am so glad that we waited.

I guess all I'm saying, Darling, is after the long, dark, cold months, I am eager for the Spring.

Almost

What a week. I was right when I said earlier that I thought this past week would be when we got all our answers. She wrote us this week asking for money. We said that we needed to know if she was still pregnant. If she wasn't, we'd settle the bills now but if she was, we would have to wait until after the baby is born. She said she lost the baby and now we just wait for her to provide proof.

The end of that portion of our suffering is so close. I can feel it. Taste it. By this time next week, I pray that we have closure and I believe we will. I'm not patient, but can't do anything other than wait and pray. Sometimes I still have fears that she was lying to get the money, other times I know that her losing the baby is the only explanation that makes sense with her behavior.

I've felt that until that issue is resolved, I wouldn't be able to truly focus completely on our marriage. Now that we have almost gotten that much needed relief, we are going to have a lot of work to do on our marriage. I don't worry that we're not up to the task, though. If our marriage could survive an affair that for all we knew resulted in another child with years of repercussions and responsibilities, I know we can work through things now that we don't have to face that.

The night before she wrote us, I woke up in cold sweat, feeling a horrible evil presence in our life. In hindsight, I think that I could tell that she was so close to us and that the last horrible test was about to begin.

The night that she wrote us that the baby had died, Satan was mercilessly pulling on me. I began to be plagued by doubts and overwhelming anger. My husband told me that Satan was working on me, but I just wanted to hurt him. In a weak moment, I forced him to call her so that we could finally have closure. Thankfully, she didn't answer and we changed our number right away. But it was scary that my judgement could have been so impared for those moments.

Dear Lord,
help us have patience during this week, what we believe is our last week of worry and stress about that situation. Help us make You proud of our faith, love, and patience. We know we're going to get through this. We just ask that you give us the closure necessary to cut all ties so we can move forward without any need to be looking back. Thank you for your loving care. We are so grateful for Your awsome presence in our lives. We can feel You with us, guiding us, loving us. Earlier this past week I felt so alone and scared, but I know that it was a test. I hope you found me worthy of granting our request. Please grant me peace so that I don't make any hasty judgements or act rashly. Help me patiently and humbly listen to Your guidance. We love you, Lord, and want to be pleasing always to You.

Gone, Never Forgotten

There is such a hole in our lives right now knowing that Therese is gone. It's so amazing that from the moment we knew of her existence, we started to love her. That is why I find abortion so horrible and incomprehensible. I can't imagine hating the life inside.

We will never be able to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her now. We grieve for our loss, not hers. She is in a safe and happy place. We know that she will never know suffering.

Dear Little Girl,
we miss you so much. I know that Benedict would have been a good, protective older brother for you. We would have done everything in our power to care for you and keep you safe. Our hearts are breaking knowing that we won't be able to see you until we make it to heaven, but we trust that you are in the best of hands. Please pray for us now. You are so close to God that I'm sure He will listen to you. Pray for Benedict that he be a strong and virtuous boy. Pray for Daddy that he will be a good protector and provider for the family. And pray for Mommy that she can bear any crosses that come her way with patience and acceptance. I love you, my baby. Thank you for blessing our lives for those short weeks. Thank you for reminding us of what is important. Thank you for giving us something to be happy about. I will always miss and love you, Therese.

So much

Today she wrote demanding money again. She still hasn't provided any proof of her pregnancy, so it's a waiting game now. I don't believe she's pregnant, but I think that she likely was. I wish that we could focus on our tiny Therese right now, but we can't. I think that this will all be over by the end of this week. I think we will finally be given closure. We just have to hang in there for a few more days. I have been thinking that this would be the week that we would get our answers. We found out about the job. We found out about our baby. I've been feeling that we would find out the other question too.

I feel very anxious to be done with everything, but I also feel that our prayers have been answered.

Dear God,
help us get through these next few days. We beg that you have granted our request that there be no ties to her. That has been our most pressing and ardent prayer the past two and a half months. Please show us that it has been granted soon, so we can properly grieve for our lost one without these distractions.

I am ready to move on, Lord. I am ready to focus on the future and put the affair in our distant past. Please cut this last tie preventing me from doing so.
Amen.