EMDR

Last week, in therapy, I had a session of EMDR. It's a method that helps you process a memory or some pain in the most helpful way possible. The event that we started with was passing my husband's lover in the car and how that makes me feel. It was amazing how many different feelings that memory brought up and all the places it took me in my mind. When I would think about that in the past, all I thought I felt was disappointment that I couldn't see her face. In this process, however, I realized that disappointment was only part of it. I also felt frustrated that she never acknowledged my pain as I tried to do hers. That I wish so badly I could know all that really happened after the affair ended with the baby and what was going on in her mind. That I hate how she has the power to hurt me so much just by going somewhere, and doesn't even know it. That she probably would be happy to know that I am still hurting so much by her actions. That I wish I could humanize her somehow, and that thinking of her makes me think of my best friend, who also slept with a married man and how badly I wish I could talk to my friend about it.

After I left and in the days since, I have felt better. I have cried a lot less. But here, typing this out and thinking of all those feelings, I am hurting again. I do think the session helped, but there's still a lot of work to do.

Lord, Grant me peace.