What to write?

For the first time in a while, I don't know what to write. It seems like my feelings are pretty much the same: pain, love for my husband, pain, anxious for my prayer to be answered, pain, brief moments of happiness with my husband and son, pain.....

Last night we went grocery shopping and passed her on the road, or at least it was pretty convincingly her, at any rate. I asked God to please not give me any more of those pseudo encounters until I finally had a real one, but for some reason, I keep being tested. I want so badly to see her, to know if she feels at all bad, but I also know that I cannot make it happen. God is asking me to trust Him in this area, and it's hard. I do trust He'll give me what I need, but I am also very impatient. I don't want to be thinking of her anymore. I want to feel closure. I DON'T want to keep seeing her, but not. I feel like Fate has some sadistic pleasure in torturing me with these encounters.

We had a huge fight afterwards, not really over anything, but our shared emotions were overwhelming and we took it out on each other and both ended up feeling badly for the way we acted. I realized, though, that it's been a while since either of us have had that intense of a fight.....in truth we hardly fight at all. We cry often, but we rarely fight. Thank God for that.


Dear Lord, please grant us peace. I am struggling so much. I a begging you to answer my prayer and soon, if it be your will. I don't know how much more I can take of this agony. Help us both to accept Your will and know that whatever You do, You do for the love of us.
Amen.