EMDR

Last week, in therapy, I had a session of EMDR. It's a method that helps you process a memory or some pain in the most helpful way possible. The event that we started with was passing my husband's lover in the car and how that makes me feel. It was amazing how many different feelings that memory brought up and all the places it took me in my mind. When I would think about that in the past, all I thought I felt was disappointment that I couldn't see her face. In this process, however, I realized that disappointment was only part of it. I also felt frustrated that she never acknowledged my pain as I tried to do hers. That I wish so badly I could know all that really happened after the affair ended with the baby and what was going on in her mind. That I hate how she has the power to hurt me so much just by going somewhere, and doesn't even know it. That she probably would be happy to know that I am still hurting so much by her actions. That I wish I could humanize her somehow, and that thinking of her makes me think of my best friend, who also slept with a married man and how badly I wish I could talk to my friend about it.

After I left and in the days since, I have felt better. I have cried a lot less. But here, typing this out and thinking of all those feelings, I am hurting again. I do think the session helped, but there's still a lot of work to do.

Lord, Grant me peace.

Progress

I forgot to mention that we went to Disney World last weekend. It was a close time for us. There were periods of time, a couple hours at a time, when I didn't think about the affair at all. That might seem inconsequential, but believe me, it's not.

What to write?

For the first time in a while, I don't know what to write. It seems like my feelings are pretty much the same: pain, love for my husband, pain, anxious for my prayer to be answered, pain, brief moments of happiness with my husband and son, pain.....

Last night we went grocery shopping and passed her on the road, or at least it was pretty convincingly her, at any rate. I asked God to please not give me any more of those pseudo encounters until I finally had a real one, but for some reason, I keep being tested. I want so badly to see her, to know if she feels at all bad, but I also know that I cannot make it happen. God is asking me to trust Him in this area, and it's hard. I do trust He'll give me what I need, but I am also very impatient. I don't want to be thinking of her anymore. I want to feel closure. I DON'T want to keep seeing her, but not. I feel like Fate has some sadistic pleasure in torturing me with these encounters.

We had a huge fight afterwards, not really over anything, but our shared emotions were overwhelming and we took it out on each other and both ended up feeling badly for the way we acted. I realized, though, that it's been a while since either of us have had that intense of a fight.....in truth we hardly fight at all. We cry often, but we rarely fight. Thank God for that.


Dear Lord, please grant us peace. I am struggling so much. I a begging you to answer my prayer and soon, if it be your will. I don't know how much more I can take of this agony. Help us both to accept Your will and know that whatever You do, You do for the love of us.
Amen.

Love comes softly

Our Dear Lord has been blessing me with a gift. It is subtle and soft, but lately I’ve been starting to feel like I’m in love with my husband again. Have I loved him all along? Yes, but lately, ever so gently, I have been feeling in love.

Maybe it’s because he was courageous towards his father in talking about secrecy. Maybe it’s because he voluntarily made dinner, one of many thoughtful things he does all the time. Maybe it’s because he asks about my feelings every day. Maybe it’s because he is so attentive to our son. Maybe it’s because we seem to have the same things on our minds like we used to in the beginning. Maybe it’s because his courage, strength, and determination, which made me fall in love with him in the beginning, have been blossoming in him even brighter and stronger than ever. Whatever the reason, I think about him all day, many times without thinking of the affair, just how much I love him and miss him. I want to make love again. I want to hold him, kiss him, and comfort him in his griefs, which are many. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, not because it is what I promised in my covenant before God, but because I can’t imagine a man who could be better for me or make me happier.

I love you.

Ever Changing

My very last post was about a clarified prayer. Over the weekend it has changed further. At church on Saturday my husband pointed out a verse about Our Father knowing what we need before asking.

That got me to thinking. I keep praying for something to do with her, but the prayer changes almost daily. Since Saturday, though, all I've been praying for is that God grant what it is that I truly need regarding her. I don't know what that is, but He does, for sure.

Thank you, my Love, for helping sharpen my perspective.

A slightly clarified prayer

I know I've posted a lot about my husband's lover lately. She is on my mind every day, all through the day. The only person I think about and pray more for is my husband.

I had a counseling session tonight by myself. My husband will be going alone next week. We spent an hour and a half talking about my preoccupation with her, and how stressful and difficult it is. I have been praying for weeks that she would make some gesture towards me, either hateful or remorseful, I don't really care. I just want two things: to clear up the mystery about what this stranger is like, and two, to just have her acknowledge my existence, either as her enemy or someone she feels bad for hurting.

Tonight, though, maybe a more precise prayer would be that I just know who she really is: that I can see the real woman.

Maybe I already have my answer

His lover knew he was married and just had a child.
She didn't have a problem with him giving all his attention to her.
She purposely tried to get him to act against his beliefs, even though he told her that they shouldn't sleep together again.
When he told her he didn't love her, she kept saying she loved him.
She kept contacting him when she knew he was with me, probably just to get him caught.
She didn't give a damn about his feelings when she suggested a pregnancy but wouldn't confirm it.
She was callous to me on the phone by her "I'm sorry you feel that way" attitude.
She was very eager to tell me everything and threw my husband under the bus.
She didn't care that his world was falling apart that night: only how it affected her.
Although claiming a desire to be just friends if they couldn't be more, offered no support to him in his efforts to fix his marriage.
She blamed everything on him and never acknowledged that she was partially responsible for the situation she was in.
She hid from him the death of the child and would only contact him to demand money.


Maybe I already have my answer as to what kind of person she is.

Lies people tell themselves so they don't feel so bad

Two nights ago I was idly watching tv, trying to figure out whether to watch a program or put in a movie when I saw a short part of some law show where a girl was accused of murdering her married, older lover. On a side note, until my husband’s affair, I never noticed the prevalence of adultery in the media. We can hardly see a movie or show that doesn’t make some reference to someone cheating.

Back to my story. I only saw a couple minutes, but the girl made a comment that really stood out to me: “I told myself it wasn’t an affair because we were friends so I wouldn’t feel like such a slut.”

It made me think of my husband’s lover. She always played off the sex and said it wasn’t a big deal, and talked a lot about how she didn’t want to lose his friendship and hoped they would always be friends. Maybe that was her way of validating what they did too, by saying they had a close friendship.

My husband has said many times that in retrospect, they never had much of a friendship because everything they shared was superficial, and their friendship was built on lies and selfishness. Looking back he has talked about many ways that she did not act like a friend, and he didn’t either, but I would bet that his lover will never admit that, because it would mean that she was partially responsible for what happened too.

Anyway, the point of all of this is, I wonder if she tried to hang onto the friendship so much and denied that the sex was anything important so she, too, wouldn’t feel like such a slut…….

I guess I’ll never know.

When will this torture end?

Today I passed her for the third time on the road. Each time, I feel like a carrot has been dangled in front of me and then snatched away. I want some contact from her, either to know that there is a part deep down that is capable of genuine, heartfelt compassion, or that she is incapable of that and then I'd know for sure. She is a mystery to me, both fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

I feel that God will someday answer my prayer, but these brief seconds keep me in agony, both feeding my desire to see her, and crushing my hopes that it will happen that day all at once.

It is such torture to not even have a face for the woman who tried to ruin my life. The woman who made love to my husband is a phantom in my mind: a complete stranger that sometimes I picture as a jezebel with horns, other times a bratty, self-centered spoiled child, and even other times, a hurt and wounded soul, desperate for one person to genuinely care for it.

Which is the real one? Is any even close?

God, I am begging you to grant me some relief from this torture.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
we are being assaulted from all sides right now. Help us to plow through the garbage and focus on what we need to. Help us to deal with others with love, but not let them have undue control over our lives.
Help me to support my husband right now. He is struggling so much and I don't know how to help him. Help me show that I love and respect him and ache when he aches, hurt when he hurts. Don't let us turn on each other now and be impatient, because outside of Your sweet love, Oh, Lord, all we have right now is each other. Help us lean on each other and You.
Amen.

What you've done right

You cut off contact from her.
You made sure things were strictly business so she didn't hold onto hope of a friendship.
You have done everything you can to get her out of our life.
You cancelled your cell phone.
You set up counseling and our Retrouvaille weekend.
You are so attentive to our son.
You help out around the house.
You spend so much of your free time with us.
You are willing to talk, cry, listen, and hold me.
You have answered all my questions.
You are up front about where you are.
You call me all day to tell me you love me.
You share your struggles with me.
You don't leave or walk away when I am angry.
You are willing to do anything that might bring healing.
You do thoughtful things like bathe our son and let me sleep in.
You do thoughtful things like buy a book on sleeping, send me flowers, and clean out the fridge.
You give up guy time when things aren't right with me.
You blog faithfully.
You show remorse and repentance.
You don't hide from the problems and take responsibility for your actions.
You pray the rosary faithfully and pray with me every night.
You didn't take a lot of classes and perpetuate the problem.
You never get defensive.
You came clean with your parents and talked to mine right away.
You offered to support me even if we separated.
You have bonded with our son and made him love you.

Trusting and Letting Go

I have asked Our Lord so many times, now, to grant me some contact from my husband's lover. I want so badly to know that there is some understanding between us..... that she can comprehend a little bit of what she did, and that she can know that I'm not her enemy. I pray religiously for her every day.

God knows what I desire, and now I have to trust that when the time is right, if it ever is, that He will grant my request. Maybe someday He can give me that little but oh, so important reward for me trying to love my enemy.

Oh, how I wish You would......

My Code of Conduct - May need revision over time

Being a faithful daughter of God is my first calling. I must pray every day and not engage in any behavior that takes away from that calling.
My vocation in life is to be my husband's wife. My responsibilities to him are second only to my responsibilities to God. By putting the emphasis on our love together, we are giving our children a precious gift: a happy and loving home.
I will not do anything that could jeopardize my marriage. I will be faithful in the little things and big things. I recognize that there are small ways, not just big, that I can say "no" to my vows.
I will be a submissive wife and trust in the graces my husband was given in our sacrament to do what is best for us.
I will raise our children to love and respect God, themselves, and others.
I will teach them to be grateful for the hard work of their father and how he provides for us.
I will try to focus on the blessings, not sorrows in my life so I can give my family a warm and happy home.
I will keep evil out of my home.

How do we heal?

It's been four and a half months since revelation, and I am still asking that question. Time, prayer, toughing it out, holding each other when we cry, seeking others for help, all seem to be a part of it.

We are not healed yet, but I feel like we are doing all we can. We just have to be patient. God will reward our faithfulness. I'm sure.