2 a.m.

It’s two a.m. as I write this. I am exhausted and somewhat tipsy, but I can’t sleep. Yesterday evening was very hard. The enormity of our situation was oppressive. I felt all the injustice of the affair: how selfish and unwarranted my husband’s actions were. How deep his betrayal was. I began to doubt again his love for me. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe that someone could do something so horrible and still love you.

But then, as is so often the case, my thoughts turn to her. I know that she was a stranger to me and she was only able to hurt me because my husband allowed it, but I hate knowing that she is out there feeling moral indignation over his treatment of her, and never once acknowledging her treatment of him or of me and my baby. She told my husband that his was the character in question, not hers. The fact that he did something horrible was not a fact he ever denied. In fact, it was something they argued about because she didn’t see the big deal. He knows what he did. He knows what he allowed himself to become. He has taken responsibility for his selfishness. What is so terribly infuriating is how she denies any responsibility in this and that the situation she is in now is largely her making.

She not only didn’t have a problem with the months that she knew he was sneaking and lying, but she encouraged it. She had no problem screwing over another female. She had no compassion for a stranger. She gladly gave her body away to a man she knew was not free to return her love. She happily divided a man’s attention away from his wife and brand new son and spent her free time with him instead of her own family. She didn’t respect his wishes not to have sex again. Once I found out about the affair, she said she wanted to still be friends with him but as a friend, showed no interest or support of him trying to heal his marriage. She tried to conceal from him that she had lost the baby. She altered receipts. Maybe she felt that since he was willing in all of this, it was okay. But what he gave he was not free to. He had responsibilities elsewhere. His actions were selfish and irresponsible, but not to her. He had made no vow to her. He had made no profession of love. Because she slept with him did not make him indebted to her.

She spoke of his responsibilities, but could only see those she felt he had to her. For months, she saw him ignore his responsibilities to his family and didn’t care. If he had left me, she would have been happy. She has no right to any moral indignation here. She is only angry because she didn’t end up with what she wanted.

These are just a few of the things I wish he could say to her.