My Darling,
today I happily put aside blogging about the affair, the other woman, and the baby. I write about us.
As we become spiritually and emotionally more connected, I begin to long for the other way that as husband and wife we should be united. Our winter was long this year. Months and months of a bitter chill, even though the sun was shining brightly.
Since the physical bond is supposed to be a culmination of the spiritual and emotional bond of a husband and wife, I understand why we can't share in that most sweet fruit right now. The wounds aren't healed yet, and the association is still very painful. I don't want to rush it and risk our first time together being painful and sorrowful.
On the other hand, I feel like we are healing and are connecting again like we did in the beginning. I am falling in love with you all over again, and just like when I did the first time, I could never be close enough to or long enough with you. But also like the first time, I have to wait for you until the time is right. It was hard denying ourselves during our seemingly endless engagement, but how much more joyous, then, was it to be united on our wedding night! I am so glad that we waited.
I guess all I'm saying, Darling, is after the long, dark, cold months, I am eager for the Spring.
Monday, August 07, 2006
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3 comments:
This, for me, will be the hardest piece to bring back. My body was the instrument I used to harm you, and that scares me so much.
The beauty of what you write, however, cannot be ignored.
I too am falling in love with you all over again. And I too long to be with you again. For the spring. I am so scared love. My body hurt you once.
I'm scared sometimes too, Beloved. But deep down I know that you will not do this again.
I understand your struggles. I really do. Why do you think that every time you and I make love I see you with her? Because sex was the means of bringing such evil into our lives. Sex and emotional intimacy. That's also why I can't eat at Chick-fil-et. Just thinking about the taste of their chicken makes my stomach clench. It was food that you shared with her. I will never be able to eat at the Mexican restaurant again.
Although this is a much lesser reason, I also want to make love so we can put as many times with me between now and when you were with her as possible. It tortures me thinking of you two passionately together.
In time, we have to replace these negative associations with good ones. It was love between us that gave us Benedict and Therese and I know, in time, other children. Sex will not always be so painful.
I am not scared that I will do this again. I know I won't. But like you said, it was my body and other intimacy that brought evil into our lives.
I miss our daughter. And right now I miss you and our son as well.
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