Dearest Love,
this is very hard for me to write because I know I've already disappointed you once today. On the one hand, she could have decided not to send anything because a. She was thinking about sending the letters we asked for and decided not to out of spite, b. it was a test to see if you really weren't going to respond, c. she wanted to keep us in suspense, d. she wanted to let you know that you can't cut her out completely, or e. she was just giving us the bare minimum she always has to be a bitch.
On the other hand, you could be right. Maybe she was going to send you something completely vile, and didn't because God is already working in her. If that's the case, I know it brings you great comfort, but it actually makes me miserable, because it means that I will never have my questions answered. It has been so hard on me to have this horrible, vile enemy who has hurt me so much that has never had any contact with me except for her snotty remarks on the phone. It is hard that I wrote her from my heart and she ignored it. It is hard that I can never know her feelings and her side of the story. She has kept so much from us and were are left with so many questions.
If you are right, then it means that as with so much in this situation, I just have to let go and live with the fact that I can't have things the way I want. This is just another area where I have to live with endless doubts and questions that will never be answered.
This isn't fair.
Monday, September 25, 2006
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14 comments:
you are right, it isn't fair to you. I am probably wrong, as I have been so much for the last year.
You said you feel deep down your correct. When everything is right in your life, your instincts are almost always correct. Outside of the affair, I trust your gut much more than mine.
I don't like you changing your story now that it doesn't make me happy too.
I don't know what to do. If you don't get some sort of closure you and I will have trouble moving forward. How can I help with this? We will live our marriage just like we did last week. Brief moments of happiness but a lot of sadness.
I feel lost, confused, and scared. There are times I feel like I don't know if I will be able to make you happy again, and I know that is unfair to you. We are still so new into this whole thing, and I have been such an asshole to you. I want to do whatever it takes to make things better. I just don't know what it takes.
I wish I hadn't brought this up. I thought it would make you feel better.
I'm not changing my story, I felt confident, but everything you said made me feel doubts. I don't trust my instincts like I used to. I only trust you now... if you think this doesn't make sense, than I trust you.
Sometimes I don't know if we can be happy again. I have been crying ever since I read your blog. I don't know what it takes either. I think part of the problem is you and I have done all we can, but I feel like I need HER to do something now. Liz would say that's just another one of my many unrealistic expectations. I know logically, we can't make her do anything and the only thing we have control over is our own behavior and actions. It's just hard because I have been wishing that she would make contact and you have not. In the end, your prayers obviously are the ones that are going to win and I just have to find a way to move on.
BTW,
You haven't disappointed me. You still don't feel comfortable and that is fine.
It does make sense. Perfect sense. And that makes me miserable.
I haven't been praying for no contact... truly, I have been praying that God's Will be done.
That's not what you've shared.
I don't WANT contact with her. That is what I have shared. But when I pray throughout the day I do pray that whatever it takes for healing we will go through. If we have to deal with her for ultimate healing, so be it.
I don't want her to contact YOU. I don't want you to ever lay eyes on her again.
Maybe, if it IS God working on her, it is just the first step. Your prayer is that SOMEDAY you will know that you have made an impact. If this is a first step, then a step, several down from now, could be her apology letter. The question is, will you be able to move on without this for awhile?
The question is, will you stay with me if I can't?
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