A few weeks ago I mentioned to our counselor that sometimes I wanted to go to the Mall to see the other woman. Not to talk, just to see her. She asked me if I would be embarrassed to be caught doing that, and I said no.
Maybe under other circumstances I would be embarrassed, but I have suffered the worst humiliation possible: my husband making love to another woman. So shortly into our marriage, my husband was interested in someone else, enough to break his vows. As a woman and a wife, I can't imagine anything being more degrading or humiliating. I know this isn't true, but a part of me feels I won't ever be embarrassed by anything else again.
Something else that ties into this. I don't know if someone said it or if I asked it of myself, but at some point the idea of her feeling that all the questions I was asking, all the knowledge I was gathering about her might seem to her a violation. How would I feel if she knew as much about me as I do her? The honest answer: I wouldn't care. What is a worse violation that her having sex with my husband? What is worse than the two of them having such an obsession that they would speak for hours on the phone every day? What is a bigger violation that the teensy amount of time my husband condescendingly gave me he would be texting her all the while? How can her having my address or knowing where I work, what car I drive, be any worse than those things?
I can't imagine anything more degrading than the man who has pledged before God to love you forever carrying on with another woman. What is worse, is they have nothing in common, and he knew from the beginning that she was a slut. How can I ever recover from this.......?
Dear Lord,
I feel so miserable today. So worthless. It is so hard to believe that my husband can love me sometimes. It is hard for me to accept his love after what he did. Help me to feel like I have some value again, especially to my husband. Please comfort me and us today.
Amen.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
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3 comments:
This morning I wanted you so badly. I felt like I couldn't survive without touching you. Thank you for letting me. I hope you know that I want this because I love you, not just for the action, but because I truly want to be connected with you again.
You and our child are the one who were harmed in this. No one else. I degraded you, and you are angry and sad and have a right to be. I wish to God I could go back in time and change things before they happen.. barring that, I will work every day to show you that I do love you.
Can you elaborate on not being able to survive without touching me....on wanting me?
I wanted to touch you so badly I could taste it. I knew that I had to have you or I would explode. I needed to feel and taste you. Honestly, I wanted to get you there with my mouth really badly, but it is okay that I didn't. I just needed to feel your touch and know that every time you touched me, everything would be okay.
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