Yesterday was a good day. We seem to have more and more of those. Before bed, we started to get intimate, when I was attacked by visions of my husband having sex with the other woman. I became so angry with him. I think only one time have we had intimacy without me picturing them. It isn't fair. I started screaming at him. Talking about the vulgar and filthy things he did using vulgar and filthy words. He said to stop. That it wasn't me. I asked him later if it would make it more palatable for me to say "making love to your best friend." He said no. That is much harder for me to think of because it sounds noble and dignified, which what they did certainly wasn't.
As I was screaming at him, I pounded my fists into his chest. When I stopped, he banged his head and fist into a wall, and started hitting his own head. It was awful. We both then just collapsed and cried.
What happened next is very unusual for us. We didn't talk anymore. I went to bed and fell asleep, almost right away. My husband sat in our baby's room for a while, then came to our room and sat next to the bed for a few hours. I have never been able to sleep when there's something on my mind. Last night, however, I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to feel. I just wanted some relief from the pain. I didn't even feel motivated to make things right before bed.
This morning we were very passionate together. We still didn't talk a lot, and now still haven't. Things just don't feel right and I don't know why.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
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1 comment:
Things still aren't right between us because we haven't been able to talk through all of this. There is no answer to it, but it still helps for us to express ourselves.
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