I just felt the overwhelming need to tell you how much I love you. Reading other people's stories makes me appreciate what you and I have all the more. I am so blessed to have your love. I am so blessed by our marriage.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

I am really missing you right now.

Thanksgiving

Beloved,
I wanted to write a letter to you about Thanksgiving. You and I have been through a lot this year. Six months ago I would have never thought we could be together and enjoying such harmony as we do now.

I am so grateful that you have been willing to work through our problems. I am grateful that not once have you walked out when I have needed to talk. I am grateful that you have been so focused on doing whatever it takes to heal our marriage. I am so very grateful that you never gave me reason to believe that you still loved another.

I am grateful that we have been given the chance and TAKEN it to become closer emotionally and physically. You have become such a sensitive and tender lover. That is one of many things about our relationship that is better than it ever was before. I am grateful that I enjoy intimacy with you again....that I am eager for it.

I am grateful that God gave us our beautiful baby, Therese. She will always be alive and well in our hearts, and just like Benedict, has helped get us through painful times just by the virtue of her being a baby. Babies are such symbols of hope, aren't they?

I love you so much, Baby. Out of all the blessings God has given me, and they are too numerous to count, the greatest truly is you.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweet Love.

Thankfully nothing new

There is a calm settling slowly in our home. We don't cry every day. We don't talk about the affair incessantly. I don't even think about it incessantly. We are only going to counseling once a month now. I feel personally like I'm getting my life back.

I don't know if I'm ever going to lose my desire for closure from the other woman, but it doesn't feel like it is necessary in order for me to be happy again. I've been praying that if God will not grant me my request, He help me not want it so badly. He has answered the second half of that prayer and I'm more okay with it than I thought I would be.

The farther in time we get away from the affair, the more important it will be that we remain diligent in keeping our guard up for this situation. Next semester you might take more classes. I feel more at peace with that then I thought I would. It now seems more important to get you off campus as soon as possible then taking only one class at a time for the next year and a half. I pray God will guide us in this area so we don't slip into old patterns.

I guess today all I feel is calm. Nothing is urgent, pressing, or critical today. It's been a long time......

Last Night

Beloved,
I am so sorry for last night. I acted like a child because I was embarrassed by your right on the money observations about what I had done. You and I need to hold each other accountable. We need to always uphold the other in what is right. I want to always be honest, and it is very important for you to be too.

I admire your integrity. I admire you so much when you stand up to me because you feel something is truly right. It is things like this that help me to trust you again.

Love Always,

Your wife

Blog World

I need to refrain from going to other people's blogs. I had started out by trying to find other people who were struggling like us, but didn't have much luck. Instead, most of the blogs about relationship difficulties were just outlets for one spouse to complain about the other and look for justification to cheating. Some people haven't physically cheated, but have very close internet friends that they have bonded with while complaining about their significant others. Even more frustrating than that, though, was how the comments left mainly support cheating as long as it makes you happy. How it effects the spouses, children, is entirely irrelevant. I can't keep reading stuff with that negative message. It hurts that the general consensus seems to be that you don't have to worry about how your actions effect anyone other than yourself and if a person isn't happy in a marriage, then cheating (rather than truly working on the problems) is a perfectly acceptable fix. It is also astonishing that all these people with internet lovers actually think that they have finally found true love. How is that possible when you have never met? How is that possible when you can completely filter, manipulate, or control what the other knows about you?

Anyway, I'm not going to fix their problems, and reading those misguided opinions doesn't help mine. Arguing on message boards doesn't really help anyone. I hope my husband and I can someday help others, but I know that true change comes from within.

I came across a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I really liked: People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. I don't know how that ties into my post, but it is something I want to store away for further thought.

Hi, Liz!

My husband suggested that we document our process, and have a way that we can share daily what we're going through with the other. Alot of what we wrote is directly to the other, but sometimes its just recording an event or a feeling. I think we both have benefited a lot by writing things down because its easier sometimes to share this way than face to face, although after reading we often actually talk about what the other has written, and usually comment. I think that's why the Retrouvaille techniques didn't feel foreign. We had been writing to each other for four months before we attended that weekend.

Alot of what we wrote won't be relevant for others because we have been very guided by our Catholic faith. Our perspective is different in some ways because of that. However, if you think there's anything here that might be helpful to someone else, let us know. It is a little scary thinking of someone else seeing this part of our lives and reading these thoughts and feelings. Although we don't know how yet, we both truly want to help someone else if there is some way we can.

Please feel free to comment.

How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

Beloved,
thank you for always reminding me to focus on us, and not the problems in the family. It shows me that you feel our marriage is a priority.

When I think of sharing our brokenness with others I feel scared, hopeful, and excited. It is scary because I know when people know what we've been through, they will never look at us the same way again. I worry that people in the family will be hurt that we didn't keep them in the loop about our lives. I am scared that they won't respect you anymore.

It is exciting, though, because I believe that God can make good come from any circumstances if we let Him. The end never justifies the means, but God can take a bad situation and use it for some good. I am hoping that we can be used to help someone else. How comforting it could have been for us to talk to another couple who had been through it and have them say,"You CAN be happy again!" If we can help one couple avoid this, or help one couple heal, then this pain will have been worth while.

I also think that if we can help other it will be good for us as well. It will remind us of how easily things like this can happen if we're not careful. I am hopeful that if we talk about it, having that reminder will prevent us from going down this road again.

Finally, months ago you and I read a verse in James that I always keep in the back of my mind. "Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins." Whether you look at it as Karma, what goes around comes around, or Divine punishment for sins, there are consequences to selfish actions. I believe, and know you do to, that helping others (among other things) can help make reparation and atone for what you did.

I love you so much,

your wife

Advice in Confession

Yesterday I went to Confession. I wasn't planning on going, but it was available, right there in the Mall, so I went.

I received some really good advice. Father told me that the purpose of guilt is to trigger a certain response. Guilt is supposed to prompt you to repent and reform. That's why it's there. Once you make a change, you should be able to let the guilt go. If you can't, then you haven't properly dealt with the problem.

This made me think of my father in law. His attitude towards us is so different. He's aloof and uncomfortable around us. He seems to avoid us. I think he feels so much shame around us for his actions. It's sad because if only he'd admit he was wrong, if he could try to do better, I truly believe he would feel better and could associate with us without embarrassment. He's stuck in the guilt and won't move to the next step that would make him feel better.

I really like looking at guilt in this way: as a prompter to make a change. It makes guilt seem like something healthy and truly a blessing, as long as its dealt with properly. Next time I feel really bad about something, I'll try to remember why those feelings are there.

God bless Fr. Matthew for his insight.

New dialogue question

How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

My Love, when you get a chance, please write about this. I will do the same.

Peace

My husband and I have been praying a novena for peace in our lives. I don't know if it's because of that or because God is answering my prayer to either grant my request or take away my desire for it, but I've been feeling better about my marriage and about the other woman. There's been some drama in the family, but as far as the other situation, I truly am feeling better. I know that it won't be forever because the healing process is a roller coaster, but right now I am more positive and hopeful.
My husband's been incredible this weekend: helpful, loving, and really going the extra mile. Thank you, Baby, for everything this weekend. I really appreciate all you've done.

Thank you, God.

Baby's Birthday

Today our son is one year old. He has been the one constant bright spot in this year. I am so glad that he was born in 2005 instead of 2006 because 2006 was horrible. My brother in law ran away from home and knocked up a teenager, my husband had an affair and all the garbage from that, our baby girl was miscarried, I lost my (supposed) best friend, relationships have become strained with extended family.....

Some years are like that. But the flip side is, some years are absolutely divine: truly tastes of heaven on earth. 2004 was that way for us. We were living near my university, my husband was commuting so I could finish my degree, and we were desperately, passionately, happily in love.

Back to my son's birthday. This was a tough year on the family, but I'm glad he was so young going through it so he won't remember the tears and fights. He has bonded in such a beautiful way with his daddy. He brings us so much joy.

His next year will be a happy one. I am sure of it. Mommy and Daddy are in a much better place now and as the months go by, we'll be even better, giving him a happy stable home to grow in.

Dear Lord,
thank you for our beloved son. He helped keep us together sometimes when times were hardest. Help us to raise him to love and serve you. Help keep all evil from him, but not all suffering, because as we see daily, it is suffering that perfects us and makes us worthy of Your kingdom. Take his life early if it's the only way he can join in the beatific vision, but if there is another way, grant us many happy years to enjoy this most marvelous blessing.
Amen.

Why do I hold on?

I found out yesterday that the other woman is no longer working at the Mall. I realized it had been a while since I'd seen her car there, so when I knew she wasn't there, called the store and asked for her. They said she no longer works there.
I asked my husband to call today and try and get more information. They wouldn't say anything, but they aren't allowed to talk about it and it was very hush hush. Either she was fired or left on very bad terms. An amicable separation doesn't involved hushed tones, lowered voices, and disclaimers. Now at least we know we can go to the Mall with little chance of seeing her (my husband has avoided the place for six months).

That knowledge made me realize just how providential it was seeing her on Friday. She obviously wasn't there to work because she had her little girl. Me being at the same point in time (the road) and her going to her former place of employment like that couldn't have been a coincidence. I had wondered before if I was going against what God would want by turning around and following her on Friday. Now that I know she doesn't even work there anymore it seems like God must've had a hand in our passing. That makes me feel a little better.

Also, I don't know why, but knowing that things went badly at her job makes me feel a little better too. Not, and I know this is hard to believe, because I take some spiteful pleasure in her suffering. A single mom out of work is always a bad thing. But usually people leave under bad circumstances or are fired because they've done something wrong, illegal, unethical or unprofessional. It's just more confirmation that she truly isn't a good person, through and through. Why do I keep trying to see the good when there hasn't been a single shred of evidence to support that deep down she's just a woman who is basically good but made some poor decisions? For six months I have only been given proof of her selfishness, hatred, callousness, licentiousness, and irresponsibility. I think I need to give up on the hope that someday I'll see the good side of her. Although every person CAN be redeemed, many choose not to be.

From Gayle Haggard's letter

What I want you to know is that I love my husband, Ted Haggard, with all my heart. I am committed to him until death "do us part". We started this journey together and with the grace of God, we will finish together.

For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case. My test has begun; watch me. I will try to prove myself faithful.

How I felt

I finally saw my husband's lover, as I discussed in another post. I wanted it so badly, but after I saw her, I was relatively calm. She wasn't ugly, nor especially pretty. I wouldn't call her unattractive. She wore no makeup and her hair was pulled sloppily back. She didn't appear to be heavy at all, but was wearing a coat that made it hard to tell. All of this I know not because I can remember her face, but because I only remember what I thought when I saw her.

I knew a prayer had been granted, and was grateful for that, but it still didn't answer any of my questions. Maybe I am not supposed to ever know what I wish I could. I pray that God will give me closure with her, but if not, I trust He will give me a way to cope with not having it. My husband and I started a novena yesterday for peace in our lives. God gives us nothing we can't handle. I just pray we can handle what we are dealt with dignity, grace, and charity.

Emotional weekend

This was a really tough weekend. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because my husband was out of town all last week. Maybe it was seeing his lover. Whatever the reason, we were both in very raw pain and were not connected enough to each other to help one another.

My poor husband wept like he hasn't wept in months feeling like we will always be miserable, we will never heal, and that he is a horrible human being. I wept because I want closure so terribly much from the other woman, but know logically that is not realistic. It was horrible feeling all the pain and not being able to reach out to my husband, or feel him reach out to me. We were supposed to attend a CORE session up in Boulder, but decided that it was best we spend the day together talking and trying to reconnect.

This weekend it came out that a very prominent Evangelical church leader had been using drugs and engaging in homosexual activity. He has denied some, but not all of the allegations, and was removed as senior pastor to the megachurch he founded here in town. He and his wife both wrote letters to the congregation, and his wife's in particular touched me. She spoke of her determination to work on their marriage. My heart broke for her and for him, because I know that good men can be terribly tempted and because they are good, are plagued by guilt when they fall.

The final thing that happened this weekend that was difficult was my husband's brother alluded to some of his (my husband's) past sins that were like that of another brother. I was at first fearful that he had found out about the affair, but when my husband called to see what it was he was talking about, he told him that he knew my husband had lived with a girlfriend many years ago. The thing is, that never happened. My brother in law heard gossip about his brother and believed it all these years, never once asking if it was true. That hurt my husband and me a lot.

Last night we seemed to be close again, but there was a different kind of pain between us: a pain not caused by the affair but I think a general disappointment in the family. The sadness was not desperate and passionate, but quiet and resigned. My husband and I need to focus on us. We can't change the family, we can't control other people. I keep begging God to help me trust completely in His will and let go of the things I can't change.

Lord willing, that is one prayer He will see fit to grant.

I saw her

I finally saw my husband’s lover this past Friday. She passed me on the road for the fifth time. I should have kept driving, but at the next light I turned around and followed her. I knew that she was going to the Mall. Because of resurfacing, there wasn’t much parking. We both circled over and over looking for a parking spot, passing each other like we were in some weird dance: neither following the other, but not escaping the other either. She finally parked in another lot and I found a spot where I was.

She had her little girl with her. I watched her then went into the Mall via a second entrance. She was in the central section of the Mall. We were walking towards each other. For a brief minute our eyes met and then we both looked away. I don’t know if she recognized me. I didn't pay attention to her girl. I noticed that she was wearing a poofy coat. If she is pregnant, there was no way to tell, but that wasn’t what I was after anyway. I know that she’s not carrying my husband’s child. If she is pregnant now, it is from a newer relationship.

I finally got what I wanted. I have been dying to see her face for months. My husband hasn’t wanted me to because he knows how I am haunted by visual images. He didn’t want her face forever burned in my mind. The funny thing is this: A short time later that day I couldn’t recall her face, just the cold, unfriendly look she gave me as our eyes met. I don’t know if that is how she views all strangers or if it was a special look just for me, but regardless, that impression is the only thing, even now, that I can recall. If I saw her on the street I would not recognize her. God blessed me with finally seeing her, and then blessed me by not being haunted by her image. How strange are the ways of God……

In my next posting, I’ll discuss how my husband and I were both affected this weekend, but I wanted to make sure I recorded this milestone.

I walk the line

I really like the first verse of this Johnny Cash song. It should be the attitude of all married people. It is so easy to get attached to someone else if you're not careful and vigilant.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

Two Things

Yesterday was difficult for me. I was very impatient over not feeling closure from the other woman.

I came across a blog where someone told of her obsession with her husband's lover. She followed her around for three years, wanting to know what kind of things she bought, clothes she wore, and the sound of her laugh. She said at the end of three years the only thing she gained was the confirmation that "Yes, my husband had an affair" and all the knowledge she gained in three years didn't give her any insight or help. It scared me reading her story because I don't want to still be thinking about my husband's lover in three years. I have to put an end to this craziness sooner, if I possibly can.

The second thing I wanted to mention was what my counselor and I talked about. I said that it's frustrating for me because I know I am giving her power by still dwelling on her and thinking of her all the time, when she has probably long since moved on and is with another guy and hasn't given my husband or myself a second thought. My counselor said that was very unlikely. She said that very few women could go through that kind of trauma in a breakup and just get over it and move on. She was dumped as coldly and harshly as she could be. She was pregnant and lost a child without once seeing the father for support. She cared about someone a lot who, not only chose not to be with her, but chose to be with someone else OVER her. Being rejected for another woman (that's her perspective, most likely, even though the other woman, ME, was here first) probably was a huge hit to her ego, and has made her feel pretty low about herself. My counselor said that regardless of her values, she highly doubts that she was able to just move on unscathed by the whole ordeal and is probably asking herself every day, "How on earth did this happen? How could I have been so stupid?"

I hope that's true, just so she is capable of some genuine, human feelings. She seems to be so heartless in my head. And truly, her actions were heartless. But she showed my husband what she chose to, and likely buried a lot of pain deep inside. I hope someday I'll know if that is true.

God,
please grant whatever it is I need to find closure and healing. I don't know what that is, but I do know that I do need SOMETHING to let her go. Liz said that with my husband and I doing so much better in our marriage, this is the biggest issue at present that I need to focus on. Please help me find a way. Please help me move on so that I am only preoccupied with my love for my husband, son, and YOU. Amen.

Thoughtful

Beloved,
you asked me last night what things you have done in the past six months that show me you love me. I decided that it would be good for me to write some of them down.

Sent me flowers when you were away
ordered a beautiful bench because I was tired of toys lying everywhere
you organized my choir music
volunteer to watch our son so I can do girl stuff and be by myself
call me throughout the day
email me
leave love messages for me
blog about your feelings
hold me when I cry
tell me you love me
share your thoughts and experiences of the day
make up a teacher's policies thing for me
try to help me sleep by encouraging me to go to bed earlier, turning off the computer, and do relaxing stuff
Not get impatient when I express the same feelings over and over.


These are not the extent of what you have done, and are all pretty recent, but I wanted you to know that I have noticed.