Where am I at today?

Such a roller coaster of emotions. Today we're on day three of a novena to St. Therese. We are holding off on finding a lawyer until the end of the novena. I think God will give us some kind of answer by then......

I am trying with all my might to trust in God's mercy, will, and desire for the best thing for all of us. I want to love Him and trust Him like a little child. I am asking for that uncomplicated innocence that my faith always had in Him until this. I am so scared that He's going to say that another child is what we have to live with, but what can I do? Nothing. I'll be happier if I can accept what I can't change and hope that God will do what is best.

I thought about bartering with Him today. I almost said, "Lord, if you don't give us that cross, we will do everything in our power to prevent this cycle from continuing and will help others from making our mistakes." I couldn't say that prayer, though, because I know whether or not we get what we want, we need to do that anyway. I can't tell God I'll do the right thing if I get my way. That would be acting like a spoiled child, not a sweet innocent one.

Lord, help me trust in your wisdom. Help me love you like a little child does, with complete confidence and unwaivering hope. I love you and am grateful for your many blessings. I humbly ask you to withhold that cross from me, not just for our sake, but for our children's, and the baby's, and honestly, the other woman's. I know unwed mothers grieve you. They grieve me too.

I also ask that my suffering help relieve the punishment of my husband. I hate to see him suffer. I also ask that my suffering help prevent my child from anguish because of this.

Lord, grant us peace.