- Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
- Anger (why is this happening to me?)
- Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
- Depression (I don't care anymore)
- Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I haven't been experiencing these things one at a time, but some of them have overlapped. I don't know that I felt denial for very long. I don't know, though, if I would be able to identify denial in the moment.
The anger was during the first week. All subsequent anger has been very brief.
I haven't gotten to the bargaining stage. I pray that God will help us heal and accept whatever His decisions are in this, but know that bargaining with Him is never fruitful or productive. I'm not sure I will go through that stage.
I feel like at this moment I'm in the depression. I have no energy. No motivation. Thank God for our baby because I am forced to get out of bed in the morning and take care of him. I'm not sleeping, and the only thing that brings me happiness is the few precious moments now when my husband and I are able to laugh together. Thank God for those moments. I am grateful that our baby is so little he won't remember any of this, or know his mommy this way. His smiles make me happy too. I try not to let myself think about my flaws and wonder which drove my husband away. Sometimes I feel like the most disgusting creature on earth, because the woman he had an affair with was so trashy and he had nothing in common with, but he was with her not me. I think the devil puts those thoughts in my head to keep me in the depression stage.
I look forward to the acceptance. I feel somedays like it's very close. I have moments of very strong hope that things can/will be better, and those moments are getting to be more frequent than those of doubt. I love my husband. I want us to be happy together again. And I know with God's help, we can be.
3 comments:
This is the process the therapist talked about, correct? Does it go in the order she believes it does, or can it go back and forth? I know that the anger hasn't been bad for you. I go back to anger occasionally... anger at myself, of course. Depression has been the overwhelming feeling as of late. I don't believe I have had any acceptance. Of course, you are the one grieving so you probably experience all this differently than I do.
If our child remembers anything, it will be about how daddy was gone for awhile and made mommy sad, it won't be about your depression. You are a great mother, he thinks so too.
I miss you.
You're grieving too, just in a different way. You're grieving for your poor judgment. Do you feel anger towards her? What do you feel towards her?
A little anger, but mostly disgust.
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