How the evil entered

I know that there's never going to be one simple answer for this affair, but trying to understand why it happened will help us know how to prevent it in the future.

Our therapist asked what our lives were like at the time of the affair. We had a new baby, my husband a new job, a family crisis, and he was a full-time student as well, not to mention our involvement in Church activities. She said that when stress is constant and overwhelming, our bodies are constantly being pumped with adrenaline to face our challenges. It used to be that man's fears were physical, so the adrenaline would give us strength to "fight or flight" but now our stresses are more emotional and psychological. When all that adrenaline is produced but isn't burned off, it can lead to a depression. In looking over my husband's behavior before and during his affair, his actions were very consistent with a depression. Always previously an optimist, he was the gloomiest of a group, having little to say to anyone. He rarely had a positive thought. Our therapist said that when you feel so constantly overwhelmed, often, without knowing you're looking for it, you try to escape.

I think that my husband's friendship with this woman was an escape. She was one person in his life that he didn't owe anything to, was not responsible for. She wasn't associated with work, family, or Church. She wouldn't be a reminder of all the extreme pressure he was under.

I have asked my husband so many times what it was that drew him to her: what he liked about her, what was special. They had nothing in common. She wasn't especially physically attractive. They didn't share interests or values, or similar backgrounds. The only answer he's been able to give me is that she was friendly to him and he was flattered by her attention, and she was in the right place at the right time.

Okay.....so.....what does that mean in the future? Well, the first thing is to admit to the pressure you're under and realize it when you're experiencing it. Second, cut back everything that is making you feel so overwhelmed and stressed, if at all possible. And lastly, find some outlet to do that will not bring you any stress, but can relieve it. Our therapist suggested something creative, but people's outlets take all forms.

I don't believe that stress was the only reason my husband cheated, but this makes sense to me. We used to tell each other that as soon as the semester, school, whatever was over, things would get better. We have learned through this we cannot put off making things right between us. Allowing us to stay in a disconnected, unhappy state is a huge contributor in my husband's affair. We cannot ever do that again.