Out of my hands

I have always been a very proactive person, never one to let grass grow under my feet. Our situation has been a huge struggle for me, because there are so many factors that are completely out of my control. We are waiting for news of the other baby. She told him she was pregnant, but later said she thought she was losing the baby.

If the baby lives, we of course have always felt that my husband should pay child support. A part of me wishes the baby wouldn't......how selfish I am. The woman won't consider adoption, and selfishly has considered abortion. She even said that she's praying she loses the baby. I can't believe she would want the child to die, but won't consider letting another couple raise him.

Whatever happens, I pray every day that we will know soon. It is sheer torture living in this suspense. I am starting to feel that maybe my husband and I should offer to raise the baby. I know it would be hard always having that reminder of his affair, but would that be any harder than knowing the child was out there....wondering if he was being taken care of....if he knew God? Dreading the day when he'd come looking for his father......

If we at least tried to adopt the baby, maybe then he would know some day that his father didn't just abandon him. Maybe someday he would be comforted to know that his father did try.

This is so hard. I pray every day that God won't put us through the pain of knowing there's another child, but then always follow that prayer with one to accept His decision in this. Whatever happens, I pray every day that it happens soon, so this torture will end. There's nothing I can do right now, and that is just killing me.