Power

In counseling yesterday, we realized that my own past and issues has greatly affected how I view the other woman. I have always struggled with my female peers. I have always wanted to feel accepted and appreciated by them, but never really have. As such, my best friends have tended to be male. Men are less petty, catty, and spiteful.

One of the many painful aspects in this is that she has never once acknowledged my existence. She went after my husband brazenly although she knew he was married. After they had sex and he said it was a sin and couldn't happen again because he was married, she blew it off and wouldn't accept that it was a big deal. Through her dealings with him since I found out, she has never acknowleged my existence. She sees this affair as just between her and him.

I guess without realizing it, I have felt that she is just one more female who has belittled my existence.

I have been obsessed with her since I found out about the affair. I have wanted to know what she looks like, where she works, her family, her interests, her habits. I think this is because of two reasons: One, my husband hid so much from me that now I want to know absolutely everything he does, and two, I want to know what the fascination was: what she had that I didn't.

Although we have come to realize that the affair was much more about my husband's vulnerability at that time and that she was just something that made him feel good, it's hard for me not to let it play into my own insecurities. My husband has often said that if he could change one thing about me, it would be my lack of confidence in myself. A part of me wonders if that was what he liked about her. Was she confident? Obviously, to think she'd be successful in breaking up a marriage. I told my husband that I never want him to mention my confidence again, because he proved that all my insecurities were correct by choosing another woman over me. That may not be the best response, and I know intellectually that the affair was more about him than me, but I feel horribly inadequate as a wife. Even more than before.

I can't let her have this kind of power over me. Her opinion, her lifestyle, her actions, her morals are all things I can't respect. I know that my husband cheated. I know that it was possible he created a life with her. What more could she possibly do to hurt me? Anything she says I know could be motivated by spite and a desire to hurt him through me. We know that she has been deceitful so I couldn't trust what she'd say anyway. How could she hurt us anymore?

Lord,
help me to let her go. Help me to quit comparing myself to her. Help me to see my own value and not base that off of the actions of others. When we put this in our past, please help me let go of this piece of it too. Amen.