My Letter

I felt the need to write you and tell you that I am finally in a place where I can say I forgive you, and let you know that I pray for you every day. That may not mean anything to you, but I thought I’d tell you in case it could in any way give you comfort during this painful time (and I know it’s very painful). You have never acknowledged my existence, and I think you feel that this doesn’t involve me, but as I have been deeply hurt by both yours and ____’s actions, I need closure too. I know that you, justifiably, want that for yourself. You should know that my husband also has my forgiveness. His whole-hearted drive to save our marriage gives testament to his sincerity in working through this with me. Not that it is easy. I can hardly remember a day without tears but have hope that they will once again be in our future. You should also know that I have asked very little of him. Everything he’s doing now is of his own volition. I have made no threats or demands.

For as long as I have known _____ (almost eight years), I have seen how admired he was by the women around him. Although I have always thought him handsome, what was always most attractive to me, and I think other women sensed it instinctually when near him, was his character, his strength, confidence, and his goodness. Even if those weren’t what you thought about consciously when you started a relationship with him, I am sure that on some level you were attracted to those qualities. He is a special and rare person, and the only man I have ever loved. I want you to realize that had he continued in a relationship with you, had he left me and our son to be with you, it would have killed in him what was always so beautiful. His soul and his integrity were severely jeopardized by his involvement with you, but had he walked out on his marriage and family, they would have been lost forever. You never would have been happy with him because you couldn’t respect him and would be living in fear that he would abandon you as he did us. Because of what he did with you, he became a liar, sneak, and cheater: traits that were entirely foreign to him before, but that you had to be very much aware of during the affair. I hope that you are able to understand all this and maybe be glad you were saved from more time invested in a relationship that could have only ended in bitterness, had you gotten what you thought you wanted.

I know you believed for a while that you loved him. The idea of any woman loving my husband is not a surprise. Loving someone, though, means you want what is best for him. Ruining his marriage, dividing his time from his wife and brand new baby, deliberately enticing him to behavior that you knew was contrary to his beliefs as a Christian were not evidence of true love, but an entirely self-serving need within you. The same is true of his behavior. He did not treat you with love or respect. His actions were equally selfish, and he understands that now.

This situation is heartbreaking. By giving ____ your body without any assurance of his love for you, you put such a low price on yourself. You gave yourself to a man without insisting on a commitment, demanding that he be with only you (I can’t imagine any woman’s fantasy being a quick encounter before her lover hurries home to someone else, as you knew he would do), or without even knowing that your feelings were returned! Sex doesn’t equal love for a man. Unfortunately, a man will only value a woman as much as she demands and respect her as much as she shows she does herself. You told him that he could have your body without any strings attached while simultaneously giving his name, possessions, and commitment to someone else. It is his sin that he could live in such duplicity, taking only part of each of us and giving himself fully to neither.

These actions have only brought pain and misery to all involved. There are no winners here. You're left with a wounded heart, anger, lost time, and for awhile, a child with a man who doesn't want you in his life, among many other consequences that I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine or understand. I am left with a marriage that was almost destroyed and possibly years of rebuilding it ahead, trying to regain lost trust, coping with the ultimate betrayal and overwhelming feelings of rejection, not to mention living with the change in how our family looks at him and us (he confessed to them what he did). ____ is left with the knowledge that he hurt the woman he loves, lost her confidence, trust and the respect of our family, lost precious time during his son’s infancy he can never get back because his focus was on you, carries the guilt that he lived as a liar and cheater, and created a life with someone he never considered being a part of his future. You do not have to worry about ____ not hurting enough for his actions. His pain is I think even greater than my own, because his conscience plagues him for what he did. He is truly a broken man, something that I know is impossible to convey through an email or letter. The affair was a failure and betrayal of his true self; he let himself and everyone down because he is capable of so much better. I know this doesn’t begin to encompass all the ways everyone has been affected. I pray that you don't suffer from another tragedy like this one again.

I know that you don’t feel you owe anything to me because we are strangers. In some sense you are correct. But on the other hand, every human being is called to treat another with the most basic respect. Not stealing someone’s spouse is a fundamental, universally accepted principle. Just because ____ was complicit and willing didn’t make his involvement with you right, because what he gave you was not his completely to give. Deep down you must have known this.

Life can be so hard out there for a woman. I’m sure you know this even better than I do. Men mistreat and use us all the time. Isn’t it that much worse, then, when a woman knowingly destroys another woman’s life, as you tried to do to mine? Every woman has a dignity given by God. Maybe if you truly realize and accept that in yourself, you will be able to recognize it in others, preventing you later on from heartlessly (what else could it be?) trying to ruin some other wife’s dreams because you want what is hers for yourself.

I pray God will grant you happiness and peace,

P.S. It was never ____ intention not to help you with the bills. Never. He was more than willing to pay them all, in fact. We just want peace. I am begging you to leave my family alone so we can all try to move on and heal.