Yesterday was really a struggle. I found records indicating that they had been friends longer than I thought and was really angry. I know in the big picture an extra month doesn't add a whole lot, but to me it's another month that we were living a lie, another month for him to be living with sin, and another month closer to the birth of our son. His lies started right after our son's birth. That's hard for me because I always had this image of having a baby bringing a couple closer, and making the husband fall more in love with the wife for what she went through and for being the vessel of his child. It hurts that that image didn't come to be.
There was lots of yelling and lots of crying yesterday. These suprises hurt so much. Just when I think I have all the information, something new comes up and the pain rips my heart open again. At first I thought that this set back my trust, but my aunt said that not remembering the exact time conversations started could be a very honest fact and as long as nothing new has happened since the revelation, to keep moving on.
How broken my husband was yesterday. I haven't seen him so miserable in a while. It hurts me to see him that way, and I know that he was that way because he feels the same. My pain grieves him because he knows he caused it.
Our therapist told us that we were doing very well. She said that neither of us get defensive, which is rare, and we seem to have a very strong love and commitment to each other. I know that last part is true. It wasn't so true seven months ago, but now it definitely is. I have to remember that when something ugly like this surfaces again.
Friday, July 14, 2006
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3 comments:
That is the primary reason I cry. I know that I have hurt you, our child, and us so badly. I feel bad for what I did, of course, but I primarily hate seeing the pain it puts you through. You are the one true love of my life. How could I have been so stupid?!
We have a strong love and commitment, and also faith. Faith in God to help us, faith in the sacrament of marriage to strengthen us, and faith in each other to help the other one heal. It must be hard for you to trust me, but I know that even with that you need to rely on me for healing just as I do you.
I wasted months of good marriage and family time. I feel horrible about that.
Our lives are so short. Tina talked about friends of their's whose husband (33 yrs) fell off a horse and injured his leg. He died two days later from a blood clot that traveled to his brain. If you knew that you only had five years left to live, I bet your whole outlook on wasting time would change. I know mine would. I wouldn't want to waste a single minute with those I care about. I wouldn't want to say one more unkind word, perform one more selfish act. I would want to use those five years to get myself and everyone I love to heaven.
you are absolutely right. We must live each moment as if there won't be another, as if every moment could be our last. I live for the love of our marriage being renewed.
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