I have to let go

I counseling last night I was told that my expectations for proof are unrealistic and that I'm trying to control things that I just can't. That is so hard for me because I feel like absolutely nothing from the past 8 months has been in my control and that my need for proof is not so much to ask considering everything I've gone through. When I think about not being able to have this piece of the puzzle, it makes me feel resentful towards my husband. But I know that isn't reasonable because he really is doing all he can.

I logically understand why we can't press the issue of proof. Honestly, I agree with that logic too. Now, I need to let go and trust in God's wisdom and mercy. My husband has been trying so hard, but he does have limitations. God does not.

I need to start saying the Litany of Abandonment again like I did a while ago.

Lord,
forgive me my lack of trust in You. If I allow these doubts to rule me, then I have wasted our sweet daughter's life. I'm sorry for my weakness, Lord, but I also can't overcome it without You. Help me lose the need to have proof. Faith doesn't require proof. Give me a serenity in knowing that Your will is being done. When it seems hard to perservere, teach me to abandon myself to You, Oh Christ.

Teach me faith. Amen.

dream

I dreamt last night that she gave us everything we asked for, and we finally found peace. I keep praying to the saints and God to soften her heart to give us the reassurances we need. Maybe this was His way of telling me everything's going to be okay.

Benedicamus Domino.

Black Saturday

Saturday was a very bad day for us. I feel like the devil was working harder than us than he had in three months.

I was feeling very unprotected and vulnerable. I was upset that my husband hadn't found a way to eliminate her completely from our lives (we had requested a letter saying she would but didn't push the issue before giving her money). I felt that she could still come after us because we didn't have anything in writing.

When I voiced these concerns to my husband, he said that the only way to eliminate her was to kill her. I don't think that he was seriously considering that, but it scared me. I felt all of the sudden that this was much too hard. Why were we putting ourselves through this? For a moment not only did I not feel hope that we could heal, but I doubted that I even wanted to try.

My husband was so grief stricken when he saw how he scared me. He was so remorseful, repentant...... I was ashamed for wanting to give up.

We both feel remorse and regret over this Saturday. We can't feel we're too strong to withstand all attacks. We are still very vulnerable.

Sts. Rita and Therese, grant us peace.

long week

My husband has been a way for a few days, and boy has it been hard. I miss him so much. I feel so safe when he's with me, and very vulnerable when he's so far away.

She said she might be sending something in the mail. I go back and forth about what it means and what she might send. I hope she never does......I hope she does right away so we can know she has closure and leaves us alone. I go back and forth.

I told my husband that I was thinking a short separation might be good for us, but know I don't know. We are having a prodigal family member coming home so I know our attention will be focused there for a while. It's just all so much.

I feel tired.

Proud

My husband,
I am very proud of your letter, and how you handled all the events after "revelation." Your priority, as it should be, has been to make things right with me. However, you did the decent thing by her too. I know it was hard apologizing to her and humbling admitting that you know you deserve hell, but it took a lot of character to say it anyway. Did she deserve your kind words? Not at all. But we have to behave in a way that is decent for our own sake, not for anyone else's. I hope you always look back on your treatment of her since the affair (cutting off contact, etc.) and feel satisfaction that you finally were doing the right thing.

When I compare how you have talked to her vs. her responses to you, you have both proved your character. Yes, you weren't warm, but you also weren't cruel or spiteful. Her actions now show what kind of woman she is inside: bitter, angry, hateful, and entirely unable to accept responsibility for her actions or feel remorse. There's something almost inhuman being that devoid of tender honest feelings.

Thank God you didn't end up with her. A few more months of her poison and you could have been just as jaded and thoroughly perverse.

And...then back again

For the first time this weekend, I started to feel some pity for the other woman. I realized that her hate is the result of deep wounds. I also sympathized with her wanting closure. Last night she e-mailed my husband denying her own responsibility in what happened and closed with "You are pathetic and I hope you burn in hell." It was a wake up call to me that she isn't a nice person. Regardless of her pain, she still has a responsibility to behave decently. She can't be trusted, and the pain in her life is just because she tried to break up a marriage. What would have been unjust would be for her to have gotten my husband in the end. She tried to steal, lie, manipulate, and seduce, and she got exactly what she deserved.

I feel at peace with the letters we sent, and that we gave her money for her bills. I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about her. We both did everything we could to behave decently to all involved.

My Letter

I felt the need to write you and tell you that I am finally in a place where I can say I forgive you, and let you know that I pray for you every day. That may not mean anything to you, but I thought I’d tell you in case it could in any way give you comfort during this painful time (and I know it’s very painful). You have never acknowledged my existence, and I think you feel that this doesn’t involve me, but as I have been deeply hurt by both yours and ____’s actions, I need closure too. I know that you, justifiably, want that for yourself. You should know that my husband also has my forgiveness. His whole-hearted drive to save our marriage gives testament to his sincerity in working through this with me. Not that it is easy. I can hardly remember a day without tears but have hope that they will once again be in our future. You should also know that I have asked very little of him. Everything he’s doing now is of his own volition. I have made no threats or demands.

For as long as I have known _____ (almost eight years), I have seen how admired he was by the women around him. Although I have always thought him handsome, what was always most attractive to me, and I think other women sensed it instinctually when near him, was his character, his strength, confidence, and his goodness. Even if those weren’t what you thought about consciously when you started a relationship with him, I am sure that on some level you were attracted to those qualities. He is a special and rare person, and the only man I have ever loved. I want you to realize that had he continued in a relationship with you, had he left me and our son to be with you, it would have killed in him what was always so beautiful. His soul and his integrity were severely jeopardized by his involvement with you, but had he walked out on his marriage and family, they would have been lost forever. You never would have been happy with him because you couldn’t respect him and would be living in fear that he would abandon you as he did us. Because of what he did with you, he became a liar, sneak, and cheater: traits that were entirely foreign to him before, but that you had to be very much aware of during the affair. I hope that you are able to understand all this and maybe be glad you were saved from more time invested in a relationship that could have only ended in bitterness, had you gotten what you thought you wanted.

I know you believed for a while that you loved him. The idea of any woman loving my husband is not a surprise. Loving someone, though, means you want what is best for him. Ruining his marriage, dividing his time from his wife and brand new baby, deliberately enticing him to behavior that you knew was contrary to his beliefs as a Christian were not evidence of true love, but an entirely self-serving need within you. The same is true of his behavior. He did not treat you with love or respect. His actions were equally selfish, and he understands that now.

This situation is heartbreaking. By giving ____ your body without any assurance of his love for you, you put such a low price on yourself. You gave yourself to a man without insisting on a commitment, demanding that he be with only you (I can’t imagine any woman’s fantasy being a quick encounter before her lover hurries home to someone else, as you knew he would do), or without even knowing that your feelings were returned! Sex doesn’t equal love for a man. Unfortunately, a man will only value a woman as much as she demands and respect her as much as she shows she does herself. You told him that he could have your body without any strings attached while simultaneously giving his name, possessions, and commitment to someone else. It is his sin that he could live in such duplicity, taking only part of each of us and giving himself fully to neither.

These actions have only brought pain and misery to all involved. There are no winners here. You're left with a wounded heart, anger, lost time, and for awhile, a child with a man who doesn't want you in his life, among many other consequences that I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine or understand. I am left with a marriage that was almost destroyed and possibly years of rebuilding it ahead, trying to regain lost trust, coping with the ultimate betrayal and overwhelming feelings of rejection, not to mention living with the change in how our family looks at him and us (he confessed to them what he did). ____ is left with the knowledge that he hurt the woman he loves, lost her confidence, trust and the respect of our family, lost precious time during his son’s infancy he can never get back because his focus was on you, carries the guilt that he lived as a liar and cheater, and created a life with someone he never considered being a part of his future. You do not have to worry about ____ not hurting enough for his actions. His pain is I think even greater than my own, because his conscience plagues him for what he did. He is truly a broken man, something that I know is impossible to convey through an email or letter. The affair was a failure and betrayal of his true self; he let himself and everyone down because he is capable of so much better. I know this doesn’t begin to encompass all the ways everyone has been affected. I pray that you don't suffer from another tragedy like this one again.

I know that you don’t feel you owe anything to me because we are strangers. In some sense you are correct. But on the other hand, every human being is called to treat another with the most basic respect. Not stealing someone’s spouse is a fundamental, universally accepted principle. Just because ____ was complicit and willing didn’t make his involvement with you right, because what he gave you was not his completely to give. Deep down you must have known this.

Life can be so hard out there for a woman. I’m sure you know this even better than I do. Men mistreat and use us all the time. Isn’t it that much worse, then, when a woman knowingly destroys another woman’s life, as you tried to do to mine? Every woman has a dignity given by God. Maybe if you truly realize and accept that in yourself, you will be able to recognize it in others, preventing you later on from heartlessly (what else could it be?) trying to ruin some other wife’s dreams because you want what is hers for yourself.

I pray God will grant you happiness and peace,

P.S. It was never ____ intention not to help you with the bills. Never. He was more than willing to pay them all, in fact. We just want peace. I am begging you to leave my family alone so we can all try to move on and heal.

Rollercoaster

This has been a very eventful couple of days. The situation with the other woman finally exploded with her seeking legal counsel, and sending a letter to my husband about what a horrible human being he is for shirking his responsibilities and ignoring her and she doesn't deserve him (I can agree with the last part!). He wrote a letter back explaining that he never meant to avoid his responsibilities, but his responsibilities are to his wife and child first and foremost. He also Told her that she isn't innocent in this either because she knew he was married and had a child and still pursued a relationship with him.
I wrote her a letter too, which I will post as well. We decided to go ahead and send her the money for her bills. We'll never know for sure if it was his, but in case it was, it is part of his responsibility to pay.

I don't feel angry with her anymore. What she did was wrong and there is no excuse for that, but all she feels is pain and anger. Her past has shaped her into the bitter, heartless, selfish person she is now, but it is pain that has made her such. I wish I knew if she was sorry, but that is a wish I do not hope will ever be fulfilled in my lifetime. The fact that she told him she wants closure but can't have it makes me pity her, but for that alone. I have wanted closure and hope my letter gives that. I can understand her wanting it too.

In addition to those feelings, I feel fear over what her next actions might be. She is incredibly angry. I know I can't be paralyzed by "what ifs" but as the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I almost wish that she would write one last nasty letter to him so that we could know for sure that she had closure.

Heavenly Father,
please grant all three of us peace. We are trying to move on. We need to move on. Please heal our wounds and help us all to find happiness again. We ask that you bring someone into her life to bring her to You. I know that You love her too, and if we don't pray for her, there probably isn't anyone else going to do it either.

2 a.m.

It’s two a.m. as I write this. I am exhausted and somewhat tipsy, but I can’t sleep. Yesterday evening was very hard. The enormity of our situation was oppressive. I felt all the injustice of the affair: how selfish and unwarranted my husband’s actions were. How deep his betrayal was. I began to doubt again his love for me. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe that someone could do something so horrible and still love you.

But then, as is so often the case, my thoughts turn to her. I know that she was a stranger to me and she was only able to hurt me because my husband allowed it, but I hate knowing that she is out there feeling moral indignation over his treatment of her, and never once acknowledging her treatment of him or of me and my baby. She told my husband that his was the character in question, not hers. The fact that he did something horrible was not a fact he ever denied. In fact, it was something they argued about because she didn’t see the big deal. He knows what he did. He knows what he allowed himself to become. He has taken responsibility for his selfishness. What is so terribly infuriating is how she denies any responsibility in this and that the situation she is in now is largely her making.

She not only didn’t have a problem with the months that she knew he was sneaking and lying, but she encouraged it. She had no problem screwing over another female. She had no compassion for a stranger. She gladly gave her body away to a man she knew was not free to return her love. She happily divided a man’s attention away from his wife and brand new son and spent her free time with him instead of her own family. She didn’t respect his wishes not to have sex again. Once I found out about the affair, she said she wanted to still be friends with him but as a friend, showed no interest or support of him trying to heal his marriage. She tried to conceal from him that she had lost the baby. She altered receipts. Maybe she felt that since he was willing in all of this, it was okay. But what he gave he was not free to. He had responsibilities elsewhere. His actions were selfish and irresponsible, but not to her. He had made no vow to her. He had made no profession of love. Because she slept with him did not make him indebted to her.

She spoke of his responsibilities, but could only see those she felt he had to her. For months, she saw him ignore his responsibilities to his family and didn’t care. If he had left me, she would have been happy. She has no right to any moral indignation here. She is only angry because she didn’t end up with what she wanted.

These are just a few of the things I wish he could say to her.

Free

Today I woke up feeling completely free from the other woman. I don't feel she can hurt us anymore. Her spell over my husband is broken and she's not carrying his child. She can't do anything else to us now.

We don't have the letters yet, so technically we are still temporarily tied to her, but I don't feel she has any power over us or me now. I don't respect her, I don't admire her, and don't care what she does anymore. Her spell over me is broken too.

Thanks be to God.

Courageous or scared?

Over the past few days I've been involved in a very painful fight with a person I used to consider a friend. In her final communication with me, she said that she has painfully witnessed over and over again me making the "proper" choice instead of the "Courageous, just" choice. She said that I am motivated entirely out of self preservation, when real love calls for courage.

This debate has reminded me again the value in not sharing very personal things with others, like the affair. One of my biggest fears in telling the few people we did was that I would be judged as being weak and co-dependant for staying with my husband. I also hated feeling that people would look at him differently. In reality, this is an incredibly difficult choice, and I think the hardest thing God has asked of me. Do I love him? Absolutely. Would it be easier to walk away, though, and try to find someone else? Society would say yes without hesitation. In the long run, though, I know that wouldn't be best for me, him, or our son. Maybe my decision was made partially out of self preservation, but not just for myself: for my marriage. Can't the courageous choice be "proper" too? No one can understand another's struggles completely. Someone who is so quick to judge the most difficult life decisions of another are no friend.

I feel so totally unjustly judged. Thank God I never shared any of this with her, because she would have called me a coward behind my back for this too.

Hope

I feel really good today. I am confident that there isn't another baby, even though we don't have the proof, and I am convinced more and more that she's a con artist. I found out through searching public records that she is still married. She lied to him from the very beginning. Why would she do that unless she was conniving that it would lead somewhere?

Aside from that, though, I feel like she is less and less of an issue for us. I'm beginning to doubt her ability to hurt us. What could she say that we could possibly believe? What could she do that would hurt us more than the pain we've just gone through and survived? If she tries coming near us, we issue a restraining order and sue her. She can't control us anymore.

Lord,
we're so close to the end. help us rid her from our life once and for all. Amen.

Finally Back

On May 21st, it will be exactly three months since the revelation. That first night, my husband went to a hotel. during the early days, he slept in the guest room bed. Then he moved to the floor. Then he began sleeping on the floor in the bathroom. Gradually he moved to our room, but slept on the floor. He then began to spend a couple hours in the early morning next to me.

Finally, on Saturday, he joined me for the first time in what seemed like forever, for the whole night. Praise be to God! I have missed my love for so long! I know that things aren't back to a fully functional, healthy marriage yet, but this is another step towards that goal.

Thank you, Beloved, for coming back to me. I love you.

Happy

I feel so happy tonight. I'm not sure why. We watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Maybe it was seeing how totally messed up their situation was but they still managed to get through it. I understand and empathize with Maggie who terribly wants her husband to sleep with her. Maybe it was because I feel that this trial is almost over. Maybe it's because I am finally trusting.

Whatever the reason, I just feel happy. What a blessed break from the anxiety and tears.

Power

In counseling yesterday, we realized that my own past and issues has greatly affected how I view the other woman. I have always struggled with my female peers. I have always wanted to feel accepted and appreciated by them, but never really have. As such, my best friends have tended to be male. Men are less petty, catty, and spiteful.

One of the many painful aspects in this is that she has never once acknowledged my existence. She went after my husband brazenly although she knew he was married. After they had sex and he said it was a sin and couldn't happen again because he was married, she blew it off and wouldn't accept that it was a big deal. Through her dealings with him since I found out, she has never acknowleged my existence. She sees this affair as just between her and him.

I guess without realizing it, I have felt that she is just one more female who has belittled my existence.

I have been obsessed with her since I found out about the affair. I have wanted to know what she looks like, where she works, her family, her interests, her habits. I think this is because of two reasons: One, my husband hid so much from me that now I want to know absolutely everything he does, and two, I want to know what the fascination was: what she had that I didn't.

Although we have come to realize that the affair was much more about my husband's vulnerability at that time and that she was just something that made him feel good, it's hard for me not to let it play into my own insecurities. My husband has often said that if he could change one thing about me, it would be my lack of confidence in myself. A part of me wonders if that was what he liked about her. Was she confident? Obviously, to think she'd be successful in breaking up a marriage. I told my husband that I never want him to mention my confidence again, because he proved that all my insecurities were correct by choosing another woman over me. That may not be the best response, and I know intellectually that the affair was more about him than me, but I feel horribly inadequate as a wife. Even more than before.

I can't let her have this kind of power over me. Her opinion, her lifestyle, her actions, her morals are all things I can't respect. I know that my husband cheated. I know that it was possible he created a life with her. What more could she possibly do to hurt me? Anything she says I know could be motivated by spite and a desire to hurt him through me. We know that she has been deceitful so I couldn't trust what she'd say anyway. How could she hurt us anymore?

Lord,
help me to let her go. Help me to quit comparing myself to her. Help me to see my own value and not base that off of the actions of others. When we put this in our past, please help me let go of this piece of it too. Amen.

Eager for the Spring

My Darling,
today I happily put aside blogging about the affair, the other woman, and the baby. I write about us.

As we become spiritually and emotionally more connected, I begin to long for the other way that as husband and wife we should be united. Our winter was long this year. Months and months of a bitter chill, even though the sun was shining brightly.

Since the physical bond is supposed to be a culmination of the spiritual and emotional bond of a husband and wife, I understand why we can't share in that most sweet fruit right now. The wounds aren't healed yet, and the association is still very painful. I don't want to rush it and risk our first time together being painful and sorrowful.

On the other hand, I feel like we are healing and are connecting again like we did in the beginning. I am falling in love with you all over again, and just like when I did the first time, I could never be close enough to or long enough with you. But also like the first time, I have to wait for you until the time is right. It was hard denying ourselves during our seemingly endless engagement, but how much more joyous, then, was it to be united on our wedding night! I am so glad that we waited.

I guess all I'm saying, Darling, is after the long, dark, cold months, I am eager for the Spring.

Almost

What a week. I was right when I said earlier that I thought this past week would be when we got all our answers. She wrote us this week asking for money. We said that we needed to know if she was still pregnant. If she wasn't, we'd settle the bills now but if she was, we would have to wait until after the baby is born. She said she lost the baby and now we just wait for her to provide proof.

The end of that portion of our suffering is so close. I can feel it. Taste it. By this time next week, I pray that we have closure and I believe we will. I'm not patient, but can't do anything other than wait and pray. Sometimes I still have fears that she was lying to get the money, other times I know that her losing the baby is the only explanation that makes sense with her behavior.

I've felt that until that issue is resolved, I wouldn't be able to truly focus completely on our marriage. Now that we have almost gotten that much needed relief, we are going to have a lot of work to do on our marriage. I don't worry that we're not up to the task, though. If our marriage could survive an affair that for all we knew resulted in another child with years of repercussions and responsibilities, I know we can work through things now that we don't have to face that.

The night before she wrote us, I woke up in cold sweat, feeling a horrible evil presence in our life. In hindsight, I think that I could tell that she was so close to us and that the last horrible test was about to begin.

The night that she wrote us that the baby had died, Satan was mercilessly pulling on me. I began to be plagued by doubts and overwhelming anger. My husband told me that Satan was working on me, but I just wanted to hurt him. In a weak moment, I forced him to call her so that we could finally have closure. Thankfully, she didn't answer and we changed our number right away. But it was scary that my judgement could have been so impared for those moments.

Dear Lord,
help us have patience during this week, what we believe is our last week of worry and stress about that situation. Help us make You proud of our faith, love, and patience. We know we're going to get through this. We just ask that you give us the closure necessary to cut all ties so we can move forward without any need to be looking back. Thank you for your loving care. We are so grateful for Your awsome presence in our lives. We can feel You with us, guiding us, loving us. Earlier this past week I felt so alone and scared, but I know that it was a test. I hope you found me worthy of granting our request. Please grant me peace so that I don't make any hasty judgements or act rashly. Help me patiently and humbly listen to Your guidance. We love you, Lord, and want to be pleasing always to You.

Gone, Never Forgotten

There is such a hole in our lives right now knowing that Therese is gone. It's so amazing that from the moment we knew of her existence, we started to love her. That is why I find abortion so horrible and incomprehensible. I can't imagine hating the life inside.

We will never be able to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her now. We grieve for our loss, not hers. She is in a safe and happy place. We know that she will never know suffering.

Dear Little Girl,
we miss you so much. I know that Benedict would have been a good, protective older brother for you. We would have done everything in our power to care for you and keep you safe. Our hearts are breaking knowing that we won't be able to see you until we make it to heaven, but we trust that you are in the best of hands. Please pray for us now. You are so close to God that I'm sure He will listen to you. Pray for Benedict that he be a strong and virtuous boy. Pray for Daddy that he will be a good protector and provider for the family. And pray for Mommy that she can bear any crosses that come her way with patience and acceptance. I love you, my baby. Thank you for blessing our lives for those short weeks. Thank you for reminding us of what is important. Thank you for giving us something to be happy about. I will always miss and love you, Therese.

So much

Today she wrote demanding money again. She still hasn't provided any proof of her pregnancy, so it's a waiting game now. I don't believe she's pregnant, but I think that she likely was. I wish that we could focus on our tiny Therese right now, but we can't. I think that this will all be over by the end of this week. I think we will finally be given closure. We just have to hang in there for a few more days. I have been thinking that this would be the week that we would get our answers. We found out about the job. We found out about our baby. I've been feeling that we would find out the other question too.

I feel very anxious to be done with everything, but I also feel that our prayers have been answered.

Dear God,
help us get through these next few days. We beg that you have granted our request that there be no ties to her. That has been our most pressing and ardent prayer the past two and a half months. Please show us that it has been granted soon, so we can properly grieve for our lost one without these distractions.

I am ready to move on, Lord. I am ready to focus on the future and put the affair in our distant past. Please cut this last tie preventing me from doing so.
Amen.

“The bud was spread to show the rose. Our Savior smiled the bud was closed.”