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How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

My Love, when you get a chance, please write about this. I will do the same.

Peace

My husband and I have been praying a novena for peace in our lives. I don't know if it's because of that or because God is answering my prayer to either grant my request or take away my desire for it, but I've been feeling better about my marriage and about the other woman. There's been some drama in the family, but as far as the other situation, I truly am feeling better. I know that it won't be forever because the healing process is a roller coaster, but right now I am more positive and hopeful.
My husband's been incredible this weekend: helpful, loving, and really going the extra mile. Thank you, Baby, for everything this weekend. I really appreciate all you've done.

Thank you, God.

Baby's Birthday

Today our son is one year old. He has been the one constant bright spot in this year. I am so glad that he was born in 2005 instead of 2006 because 2006 was horrible. My brother in law ran away from home and knocked up a teenager, my husband had an affair and all the garbage from that, our baby girl was miscarried, I lost my (supposed) best friend, relationships have become strained with extended family.....

Some years are like that. But the flip side is, some years are absolutely divine: truly tastes of heaven on earth. 2004 was that way for us. We were living near my university, my husband was commuting so I could finish my degree, and we were desperately, passionately, happily in love.

Back to my son's birthday. This was a tough year on the family, but I'm glad he was so young going through it so he won't remember the tears and fights. He has bonded in such a beautiful way with his daddy. He brings us so much joy.

His next year will be a happy one. I am sure of it. Mommy and Daddy are in a much better place now and as the months go by, we'll be even better, giving him a happy stable home to grow in.

Dear Lord,
thank you for our beloved son. He helped keep us together sometimes when times were hardest. Help us to raise him to love and serve you. Help keep all evil from him, but not all suffering, because as we see daily, it is suffering that perfects us and makes us worthy of Your kingdom. Take his life early if it's the only way he can join in the beatific vision, but if there is another way, grant us many happy years to enjoy this most marvelous blessing.
Amen.

Why do I hold on?

I found out yesterday that the other woman is no longer working at the Mall. I realized it had been a while since I'd seen her car there, so when I knew she wasn't there, called the store and asked for her. They said she no longer works there.
I asked my husband to call today and try and get more information. They wouldn't say anything, but they aren't allowed to talk about it and it was very hush hush. Either she was fired or left on very bad terms. An amicable separation doesn't involved hushed tones, lowered voices, and disclaimers. Now at least we know we can go to the Mall with little chance of seeing her (my husband has avoided the place for six months).

That knowledge made me realize just how providential it was seeing her on Friday. She obviously wasn't there to work because she had her little girl. Me being at the same point in time (the road) and her going to her former place of employment like that couldn't have been a coincidence. I had wondered before if I was going against what God would want by turning around and following her on Friday. Now that I know she doesn't even work there anymore it seems like God must've had a hand in our passing. That makes me feel a little better.

Also, I don't know why, but knowing that things went badly at her job makes me feel a little better too. Not, and I know this is hard to believe, because I take some spiteful pleasure in her suffering. A single mom out of work is always a bad thing. But usually people leave under bad circumstances or are fired because they've done something wrong, illegal, unethical or unprofessional. It's just more confirmation that she truly isn't a good person, through and through. Why do I keep trying to see the good when there hasn't been a single shred of evidence to support that deep down she's just a woman who is basically good but made some poor decisions? For six months I have only been given proof of her selfishness, hatred, callousness, licentiousness, and irresponsibility. I think I need to give up on the hope that someday I'll see the good side of her. Although every person CAN be redeemed, many choose not to be.

From Gayle Haggard's letter

What I want you to know is that I love my husband, Ted Haggard, with all my heart. I am committed to him until death "do us part". We started this journey together and with the grace of God, we will finish together.

For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case. My test has begun; watch me. I will try to prove myself faithful.

How I felt

I finally saw my husband's lover, as I discussed in another post. I wanted it so badly, but after I saw her, I was relatively calm. She wasn't ugly, nor especially pretty. I wouldn't call her unattractive. She wore no makeup and her hair was pulled sloppily back. She didn't appear to be heavy at all, but was wearing a coat that made it hard to tell. All of this I know not because I can remember her face, but because I only remember what I thought when I saw her.

I knew a prayer had been granted, and was grateful for that, but it still didn't answer any of my questions. Maybe I am not supposed to ever know what I wish I could. I pray that God will give me closure with her, but if not, I trust He will give me a way to cope with not having it. My husband and I started a novena yesterday for peace in our lives. God gives us nothing we can't handle. I just pray we can handle what we are dealt with dignity, grace, and charity.

Emotional weekend

This was a really tough weekend. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because my husband was out of town all last week. Maybe it was seeing his lover. Whatever the reason, we were both in very raw pain and were not connected enough to each other to help one another.

My poor husband wept like he hasn't wept in months feeling like we will always be miserable, we will never heal, and that he is a horrible human being. I wept because I want closure so terribly much from the other woman, but know logically that is not realistic. It was horrible feeling all the pain and not being able to reach out to my husband, or feel him reach out to me. We were supposed to attend a CORE session up in Boulder, but decided that it was best we spend the day together talking and trying to reconnect.

This weekend it came out that a very prominent Evangelical church leader had been using drugs and engaging in homosexual activity. He has denied some, but not all of the allegations, and was removed as senior pastor to the megachurch he founded here in town. He and his wife both wrote letters to the congregation, and his wife's in particular touched me. She spoke of her determination to work on their marriage. My heart broke for her and for him, because I know that good men can be terribly tempted and because they are good, are plagued by guilt when they fall.

The final thing that happened this weekend that was difficult was my husband's brother alluded to some of his (my husband's) past sins that were like that of another brother. I was at first fearful that he had found out about the affair, but when my husband called to see what it was he was talking about, he told him that he knew my husband had lived with a girlfriend many years ago. The thing is, that never happened. My brother in law heard gossip about his brother and believed it all these years, never once asking if it was true. That hurt my husband and me a lot.

Last night we seemed to be close again, but there was a different kind of pain between us: a pain not caused by the affair but I think a general disappointment in the family. The sadness was not desperate and passionate, but quiet and resigned. My husband and I need to focus on us. We can't change the family, we can't control other people. I keep begging God to help me trust completely in His will and let go of the things I can't change.

Lord willing, that is one prayer He will see fit to grant.

I saw her

I finally saw my husband’s lover this past Friday. She passed me on the road for the fifth time. I should have kept driving, but at the next light I turned around and followed her. I knew that she was going to the Mall. Because of resurfacing, there wasn’t much parking. We both circled over and over looking for a parking spot, passing each other like we were in some weird dance: neither following the other, but not escaping the other either. She finally parked in another lot and I found a spot where I was.

She had her little girl with her. I watched her then went into the Mall via a second entrance. She was in the central section of the Mall. We were walking towards each other. For a brief minute our eyes met and then we both looked away. I don’t know if she recognized me. I didn't pay attention to her girl. I noticed that she was wearing a poofy coat. If she is pregnant, there was no way to tell, but that wasn’t what I was after anyway. I know that she’s not carrying my husband’s child. If she is pregnant now, it is from a newer relationship.

I finally got what I wanted. I have been dying to see her face for months. My husband hasn’t wanted me to because he knows how I am haunted by visual images. He didn’t want her face forever burned in my mind. The funny thing is this: A short time later that day I couldn’t recall her face, just the cold, unfriendly look she gave me as our eyes met. I don’t know if that is how she views all strangers or if it was a special look just for me, but regardless, that impression is the only thing, even now, that I can recall. If I saw her on the street I would not recognize her. God blessed me with finally seeing her, and then blessed me by not being haunted by her image. How strange are the ways of God……

In my next posting, I’ll discuss how my husband and I were both affected this weekend, but I wanted to make sure I recorded this milestone.

I walk the line

I really like the first verse of this Johnny Cash song. It should be the attitude of all married people. It is so easy to get attached to someone else if you're not careful and vigilant.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

Two Things

Yesterday was difficult for me. I was very impatient over not feeling closure from the other woman.

I came across a blog where someone told of her obsession with her husband's lover. She followed her around for three years, wanting to know what kind of things she bought, clothes she wore, and the sound of her laugh. She said at the end of three years the only thing she gained was the confirmation that "Yes, my husband had an affair" and all the knowledge she gained in three years didn't give her any insight or help. It scared me reading her story because I don't want to still be thinking about my husband's lover in three years. I have to put an end to this craziness sooner, if I possibly can.

The second thing I wanted to mention was what my counselor and I talked about. I said that it's frustrating for me because I know I am giving her power by still dwelling on her and thinking of her all the time, when she has probably long since moved on and is with another guy and hasn't given my husband or myself a second thought. My counselor said that was very unlikely. She said that very few women could go through that kind of trauma in a breakup and just get over it and move on. She was dumped as coldly and harshly as she could be. She was pregnant and lost a child without once seeing the father for support. She cared about someone a lot who, not only chose not to be with her, but chose to be with someone else OVER her. Being rejected for another woman (that's her perspective, most likely, even though the other woman, ME, was here first) probably was a huge hit to her ego, and has made her feel pretty low about herself. My counselor said that regardless of her values, she highly doubts that she was able to just move on unscathed by the whole ordeal and is probably asking herself every day, "How on earth did this happen? How could I have been so stupid?"

I hope that's true, just so she is capable of some genuine, human feelings. She seems to be so heartless in my head. And truly, her actions were heartless. But she showed my husband what she chose to, and likely buried a lot of pain deep inside. I hope someday I'll know if that is true.

God,
please grant whatever it is I need to find closure and healing. I don't know what that is, but I do know that I do need SOMETHING to let her go. Liz said that with my husband and I doing so much better in our marriage, this is the biggest issue at present that I need to focus on. Please help me find a way. Please help me move on so that I am only preoccupied with my love for my husband, son, and YOU. Amen.

Thoughtful

Beloved,
you asked me last night what things you have done in the past six months that show me you love me. I decided that it would be good for me to write some of them down.

Sent me flowers when you were away
ordered a beautiful bench because I was tired of toys lying everywhere
you organized my choir music
volunteer to watch our son so I can do girl stuff and be by myself
call me throughout the day
email me
leave love messages for me
blog about your feelings
hold me when I cry
tell me you love me
share your thoughts and experiences of the day
make up a teacher's policies thing for me
try to help me sleep by encouraging me to go to bed earlier, turning off the computer, and do relaxing stuff
Not get impatient when I express the same feelings over and over.


These are not the extent of what you have done, and are all pretty recent, but I wanted you to know that I have noticed.

EMDR

Last week, in therapy, I had a session of EMDR. It's a method that helps you process a memory or some pain in the most helpful way possible. The event that we started with was passing my husband's lover in the car and how that makes me feel. It was amazing how many different feelings that memory brought up and all the places it took me in my mind. When I would think about that in the past, all I thought I felt was disappointment that I couldn't see her face. In this process, however, I realized that disappointment was only part of it. I also felt frustrated that she never acknowledged my pain as I tried to do hers. That I wish so badly I could know all that really happened after the affair ended with the baby and what was going on in her mind. That I hate how she has the power to hurt me so much just by going somewhere, and doesn't even know it. That she probably would be happy to know that I am still hurting so much by her actions. That I wish I could humanize her somehow, and that thinking of her makes me think of my best friend, who also slept with a married man and how badly I wish I could talk to my friend about it.

After I left and in the days since, I have felt better. I have cried a lot less. But here, typing this out and thinking of all those feelings, I am hurting again. I do think the session helped, but there's still a lot of work to do.

Lord, Grant me peace.

Progress

I forgot to mention that we went to Disney World last weekend. It was a close time for us. There were periods of time, a couple hours at a time, when I didn't think about the affair at all. That might seem inconsequential, but believe me, it's not.

What to write?

For the first time in a while, I don't know what to write. It seems like my feelings are pretty much the same: pain, love for my husband, pain, anxious for my prayer to be answered, pain, brief moments of happiness with my husband and son, pain.....

Last night we went grocery shopping and passed her on the road, or at least it was pretty convincingly her, at any rate. I asked God to please not give me any more of those pseudo encounters until I finally had a real one, but for some reason, I keep being tested. I want so badly to see her, to know if she feels at all bad, but I also know that I cannot make it happen. God is asking me to trust Him in this area, and it's hard. I do trust He'll give me what I need, but I am also very impatient. I don't want to be thinking of her anymore. I want to feel closure. I DON'T want to keep seeing her, but not. I feel like Fate has some sadistic pleasure in torturing me with these encounters.

We had a huge fight afterwards, not really over anything, but our shared emotions were overwhelming and we took it out on each other and both ended up feeling badly for the way we acted. I realized, though, that it's been a while since either of us have had that intense of a fight.....in truth we hardly fight at all. We cry often, but we rarely fight. Thank God for that.


Dear Lord, please grant us peace. I am struggling so much. I a begging you to answer my prayer and soon, if it be your will. I don't know how much more I can take of this agony. Help us both to accept Your will and know that whatever You do, You do for the love of us.
Amen.

Love comes softly

Our Dear Lord has been blessing me with a gift. It is subtle and soft, but lately I’ve been starting to feel like I’m in love with my husband again. Have I loved him all along? Yes, but lately, ever so gently, I have been feeling in love.

Maybe it’s because he was courageous towards his father in talking about secrecy. Maybe it’s because he voluntarily made dinner, one of many thoughtful things he does all the time. Maybe it’s because he asks about my feelings every day. Maybe it’s because he is so attentive to our son. Maybe it’s because we seem to have the same things on our minds like we used to in the beginning. Maybe it’s because his courage, strength, and determination, which made me fall in love with him in the beginning, have been blossoming in him even brighter and stronger than ever. Whatever the reason, I think about him all day, many times without thinking of the affair, just how much I love him and miss him. I want to make love again. I want to hold him, kiss him, and comfort him in his griefs, which are many. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, not because it is what I promised in my covenant before God, but because I can’t imagine a man who could be better for me or make me happier.

I love you.

Ever Changing

My very last post was about a clarified prayer. Over the weekend it has changed further. At church on Saturday my husband pointed out a verse about Our Father knowing what we need before asking.

That got me to thinking. I keep praying for something to do with her, but the prayer changes almost daily. Since Saturday, though, all I've been praying for is that God grant what it is that I truly need regarding her. I don't know what that is, but He does, for sure.

Thank you, my Love, for helping sharpen my perspective.

A slightly clarified prayer

I know I've posted a lot about my husband's lover lately. She is on my mind every day, all through the day. The only person I think about and pray more for is my husband.

I had a counseling session tonight by myself. My husband will be going alone next week. We spent an hour and a half talking about my preoccupation with her, and how stressful and difficult it is. I have been praying for weeks that she would make some gesture towards me, either hateful or remorseful, I don't really care. I just want two things: to clear up the mystery about what this stranger is like, and two, to just have her acknowledge my existence, either as her enemy or someone she feels bad for hurting.

Tonight, though, maybe a more precise prayer would be that I just know who she really is: that I can see the real woman.

Maybe I already have my answer

His lover knew he was married and just had a child.
She didn't have a problem with him giving all his attention to her.
She purposely tried to get him to act against his beliefs, even though he told her that they shouldn't sleep together again.
When he told her he didn't love her, she kept saying she loved him.
She kept contacting him when she knew he was with me, probably just to get him caught.
She didn't give a damn about his feelings when she suggested a pregnancy but wouldn't confirm it.
She was callous to me on the phone by her "I'm sorry you feel that way" attitude.
She was very eager to tell me everything and threw my husband under the bus.
She didn't care that his world was falling apart that night: only how it affected her.
Although claiming a desire to be just friends if they couldn't be more, offered no support to him in his efforts to fix his marriage.
She blamed everything on him and never acknowledged that she was partially responsible for the situation she was in.
She hid from him the death of the child and would only contact him to demand money.


Maybe I already have my answer as to what kind of person she is.

Lies people tell themselves so they don't feel so bad

Two nights ago I was idly watching tv, trying to figure out whether to watch a program or put in a movie when I saw a short part of some law show where a girl was accused of murdering her married, older lover. On a side note, until my husband’s affair, I never noticed the prevalence of adultery in the media. We can hardly see a movie or show that doesn’t make some reference to someone cheating.

Back to my story. I only saw a couple minutes, but the girl made a comment that really stood out to me: “I told myself it wasn’t an affair because we were friends so I wouldn’t feel like such a slut.”

It made me think of my husband’s lover. She always played off the sex and said it wasn’t a big deal, and talked a lot about how she didn’t want to lose his friendship and hoped they would always be friends. Maybe that was her way of validating what they did too, by saying they had a close friendship.

My husband has said many times that in retrospect, they never had much of a friendship because everything they shared was superficial, and their friendship was built on lies and selfishness. Looking back he has talked about many ways that she did not act like a friend, and he didn’t either, but I would bet that his lover will never admit that, because it would mean that she was partially responsible for what happened too.

Anyway, the point of all of this is, I wonder if she tried to hang onto the friendship so much and denied that the sex was anything important so she, too, wouldn’t feel like such a slut…….

I guess I’ll never know.

When will this torture end?

Today I passed her for the third time on the road. Each time, I feel like a carrot has been dangled in front of me and then snatched away. I want some contact from her, either to know that there is a part deep down that is capable of genuine, heartfelt compassion, or that she is incapable of that and then I'd know for sure. She is a mystery to me, both fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

I feel that God will someday answer my prayer, but these brief seconds keep me in agony, both feeding my desire to see her, and crushing my hopes that it will happen that day all at once.

It is such torture to not even have a face for the woman who tried to ruin my life. The woman who made love to my husband is a phantom in my mind: a complete stranger that sometimes I picture as a jezebel with horns, other times a bratty, self-centered spoiled child, and even other times, a hurt and wounded soul, desperate for one person to genuinely care for it.

Which is the real one? Is any even close?

God, I am begging you to grant me some relief from this torture.