Today is my last day of my novena for the other woman. I have been asking St. Therese to work a miracle in her life and let me know that one has happened. I didn't specify the miracle or how I would find out. Yesterday my husband and I got into a long blog discussion. He proposed that maybe God did answer my prayer already and that's why she hasn't bothered us. That may be.
I feel like in order for me to have faith in humanity again and not look at every human I meet as my enemy, I have to know that she has grown through this situation in some way. That a part of her feels remorse, regret, or wants to do things differently next time. She is the absolute most heartless, hard, selfish, callous person I've ever met. I desperately want to know that she is not beyond reform, not that God CAN give her a change of heart, but that He WILL.
I know that it's not up to me to save her and that God is the only one who can do that, and I also know that I think about her way too much; much more than I know she's ever thought about me. I need to let her go, but I don't know how. I want to pray for her every day because I feel that I'm the only person who is, but at the same time, maybe that's making me think of her too much for my own good.
A part of me still wants so badly to go see her at work, not to see if she's pregnant anymore, but just to see her face. I'm afraid, though, in case she is pregnant. I don't even think that's a possibility anymore, but if she is, then I will always be living in fear and it will have raised doubts that I've finally gotten rid of. That's not a possibility to me anymore. Truly. But she could have gotten pregnant since, and then how would that make me feel? Miserable, I already know.
I guess I don't have any answers. I just would like to know some day that she has become a better person.
Dear Lord,
please guide my heart. Help me to surrender to your will. If it is Your will that we never hear from her again, help me to accept that and move on without it. You have taken such wonderful care of us through this and I need to trust that you can see the big picture. Thank you.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
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1 comment:
I admire that you can pray for her and think about saving her even after everything.
I cannot bring myself to think about her at all, and perhaps someday will pray for her but not until we are more fully healed. Then I will be in a place to better help others and pray.
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