I just felt the overwhelming need to tell you how much I love you. Reading other people's stories makes me appreciate what you and I have all the more. I am so blessed to have your love. I am so blessed by our marriage.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

I am really missing you right now.

Thanksgiving

Beloved,
I wanted to write a letter to you about Thanksgiving. You and I have been through a lot this year. Six months ago I would have never thought we could be together and enjoying such harmony as we do now.

I am so grateful that you have been willing to work through our problems. I am grateful that not once have you walked out when I have needed to talk. I am grateful that you have been so focused on doing whatever it takes to heal our marriage. I am so very grateful that you never gave me reason to believe that you still loved another.

I am grateful that we have been given the chance and TAKEN it to become closer emotionally and physically. You have become such a sensitive and tender lover. That is one of many things about our relationship that is better than it ever was before. I am grateful that I enjoy intimacy with you again....that I am eager for it.

I am grateful that God gave us our beautiful baby, Therese. She will always be alive and well in our hearts, and just like Benedict, has helped get us through painful times just by the virtue of her being a baby. Babies are such symbols of hope, aren't they?

I love you so much, Baby. Out of all the blessings God has given me, and they are too numerous to count, the greatest truly is you.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweet Love.

Thankfully nothing new

There is a calm settling slowly in our home. We don't cry every day. We don't talk about the affair incessantly. I don't even think about it incessantly. We are only going to counseling once a month now. I feel personally like I'm getting my life back.

I don't know if I'm ever going to lose my desire for closure from the other woman, but it doesn't feel like it is necessary in order for me to be happy again. I've been praying that if God will not grant me my request, He help me not want it so badly. He has answered the second half of that prayer and I'm more okay with it than I thought I would be.

The farther in time we get away from the affair, the more important it will be that we remain diligent in keeping our guard up for this situation. Next semester you might take more classes. I feel more at peace with that then I thought I would. It now seems more important to get you off campus as soon as possible then taking only one class at a time for the next year and a half. I pray God will guide us in this area so we don't slip into old patterns.

I guess today all I feel is calm. Nothing is urgent, pressing, or critical today. It's been a long time......

Last Night

Beloved,
I am so sorry for last night. I acted like a child because I was embarrassed by your right on the money observations about what I had done. You and I need to hold each other accountable. We need to always uphold the other in what is right. I want to always be honest, and it is very important for you to be too.

I admire your integrity. I admire you so much when you stand up to me because you feel something is truly right. It is things like this that help me to trust you again.

Love Always,

Your wife

Blog World

I need to refrain from going to other people's blogs. I had started out by trying to find other people who were struggling like us, but didn't have much luck. Instead, most of the blogs about relationship difficulties were just outlets for one spouse to complain about the other and look for justification to cheating. Some people haven't physically cheated, but have very close internet friends that they have bonded with while complaining about their significant others. Even more frustrating than that, though, was how the comments left mainly support cheating as long as it makes you happy. How it effects the spouses, children, is entirely irrelevant. I can't keep reading stuff with that negative message. It hurts that the general consensus seems to be that you don't have to worry about how your actions effect anyone other than yourself and if a person isn't happy in a marriage, then cheating (rather than truly working on the problems) is a perfectly acceptable fix. It is also astonishing that all these people with internet lovers actually think that they have finally found true love. How is that possible when you have never met? How is that possible when you can completely filter, manipulate, or control what the other knows about you?

Anyway, I'm not going to fix their problems, and reading those misguided opinions doesn't help mine. Arguing on message boards doesn't really help anyone. I hope my husband and I can someday help others, but I know that true change comes from within.

I came across a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I really liked: People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. I don't know how that ties into my post, but it is something I want to store away for further thought.

Hi, Liz!

My husband suggested that we document our process, and have a way that we can share daily what we're going through with the other. Alot of what we wrote is directly to the other, but sometimes its just recording an event or a feeling. I think we both have benefited a lot by writing things down because its easier sometimes to share this way than face to face, although after reading we often actually talk about what the other has written, and usually comment. I think that's why the Retrouvaille techniques didn't feel foreign. We had been writing to each other for four months before we attended that weekend.

Alot of what we wrote won't be relevant for others because we have been very guided by our Catholic faith. Our perspective is different in some ways because of that. However, if you think there's anything here that might be helpful to someone else, let us know. It is a little scary thinking of someone else seeing this part of our lives and reading these thoughts and feelings. Although we don't know how yet, we both truly want to help someone else if there is some way we can.

Please feel free to comment.

How do I feel when I think of sharing our brokenness with others?

Beloved,
thank you for always reminding me to focus on us, and not the problems in the family. It shows me that you feel our marriage is a priority.

When I think of sharing our brokenness with others I feel scared, hopeful, and excited. It is scary because I know when people know what we've been through, they will never look at us the same way again. I worry that people in the family will be hurt that we didn't keep them in the loop about our lives. I am scared that they won't respect you anymore.

It is exciting, though, because I believe that God can make good come from any circumstances if we let Him. The end never justifies the means, but God can take a bad situation and use it for some good. I am hoping that we can be used to help someone else. How comforting it could have been for us to talk to another couple who had been through it and have them say,"You CAN be happy again!" If we can help one couple avoid this, or help one couple heal, then this pain will have been worth while.

I also think that if we can help other it will be good for us as well. It will remind us of how easily things like this can happen if we're not careful. I am hopeful that if we talk about it, having that reminder will prevent us from going down this road again.

Finally, months ago you and I read a verse in James that I always keep in the back of my mind. "Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins." Whether you look at it as Karma, what goes around comes around, or Divine punishment for sins, there are consequences to selfish actions. I believe, and know you do to, that helping others (among other things) can help make reparation and atone for what you did.

I love you so much,

your wife

Advice in Confession

Yesterday I went to Confession. I wasn't planning on going, but it was available, right there in the Mall, so I went.

I received some really good advice. Father told me that the purpose of guilt is to trigger a certain response. Guilt is supposed to prompt you to repent and reform. That's why it's there. Once you make a change, you should be able to let the guilt go. If you can't, then you haven't properly dealt with the problem.

This made me think of my father in law. His attitude towards us is so different. He's aloof and uncomfortable around us. He seems to avoid us. I think he feels so much shame around us for his actions. It's sad because if only he'd admit he was wrong, if he could try to do better, I truly believe he would feel better and could associate with us without embarrassment. He's stuck in the guilt and won't move to the next step that would make him feel better.

I really like looking at guilt in this way: as a prompter to make a change. It makes guilt seem like something healthy and truly a blessing, as long as its dealt with properly. Next time I feel really bad about something, I'll try to remember why those feelings are there.

God bless Fr. Matthew for his insight.