God took our little rose back up to Heaven. He loaned her to us for such a short time. The day we knew she was given to us was our darkest time since everything came out, our darkest time until we knew of her presence. She brought her mommy and daddy such joy in the two weeks that we were priviledged to love her, and maybe that's why she was given to us: to be a ray of sunshine through the seemingly endless shower of tears. We had asked God for a sign and maybe that was all God ever intended for her to be for us. We don't know. We just know that we love her, miss her, and hope that we can someday see her in heaven.
We know that she is in a better home now than we ever could have given her, and are grateful that her tiny soul never knew sin. Her pure, sweet, innocence will now always be protected in God's garden of perfect souls, and she has her Aunt Erin to care for her now that her mommy and daddy no longer can.
Every evening in our prayers we pray that God will claim our children before they lose salvation. We can't be angry with Him now that He has lovingly granted our request. We will miss her, but are grateful for the few short weeks that we benefited by her presence in our lives.
All for God.
Monday, July 31, 2006
There's always hope
Many thanks to beheremondays for this inspiring piece. I have felt that about my husband. Yes, he did a horrible thing, but he knows it was horrible and is truly repentant. It's just good to see someone else say the same thing.
http://www.beheremondays.com/Blog.php?eid=218
http://www.beheremondays.com/Blog.php?eid=218
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Doubts and Fears
Friday I went to the doctor because I thought there might be something wrong. They think that I'm losing the baby. Tomorrow, hopefully I will know for sure, but it doesn't seem too hopeful. I am so worried. I feel like God is testing us so much. I know that God never gives people more than they can handle, so He must think that we are superheroes.
What if we lose our tiny little daughter and the other woman still has her baby? Is there no end to the suffering that I must endure? We have been so happy thinking about our little flower. She has given us so much hope. Now I'm scared that I'm losing her, and I don't know why. I don't know why any of this is happening.
Dear Lord,
please take care of our tiny one. We pray that you will take our children before they lose their souls, so if in your mercy you want baby Therese to be with you now, we will be happy to know she's in heaven. Please give us closure in the other situation. We feel that you have answered our prayers, but we need closure to move on. Please don't give us the cross of that other child. Please God, please, no. Grant us peace.
What if we lose our tiny little daughter and the other woman still has her baby? Is there no end to the suffering that I must endure? We have been so happy thinking about our little flower. She has given us so much hope. Now I'm scared that I'm losing her, and I don't know why. I don't know why any of this is happening.
Dear Lord,
please take care of our tiny one. We pray that you will take our children before they lose their souls, so if in your mercy you want baby Therese to be with you now, we will be happy to know she's in heaven. Please give us closure in the other situation. We feel that you have answered our prayers, but we need closure to move on. Please don't give us the cross of that other child. Please God, please, no. Grant us peace.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
What do we know?
Last night in counseling, our therapist told us to only focus on what we know. We know that she told my husband she thought she might be pregnant when he told her they couldn't be friends. We know she wouldn't confirm the pregnancy until after he said he never wanted to even talk to her again. We know that she promised to send bills that she never has. We know she talked about them being a financial burden, but hasn't made any attempt to prove her need so she can get them taken care of. We know that it has been several weeks since we talked to her. We know that she only claimed she took a test that was positive, when she could've gotten a test in writing from her doctor and sent it to us. We know that when people feel desperate to hang onto something they feel they're losing, they would do much and say much to prevent the loss. We know that she is unethical and entirely self focused.
We don't know for a fact that she ever was pregnant. We don't know that she went to the hospital several times. We don't know that she is now or ever was carrying my husband's child.
Those are the things we need to focus on now until she gives us reason to believe otherwise. Based on the evidence, it is not unreasonable or clouded to assume that she isn't pregnant. She might be, but we can have no possible way of knowing that without any proof.
A wise priest said once that feelings only exist to support what we know. When they do more than that, they have outgrown their usefulness. I fear that she might someday come to us with a child. I fear that she might try to hurt us. But those fears are not based on facts, and I can't allow them to control me. I have a tiny baby to think about (and a not so tiny one!). I am trying with all my heart to just focus on what I know and trust all the signs that God and the saints are giving us.
I love you, my husband. I know you know that, but I felt the need to say it here.
We don't know for a fact that she ever was pregnant. We don't know that she went to the hospital several times. We don't know that she is now or ever was carrying my husband's child.
Those are the things we need to focus on now until she gives us reason to believe otherwise. Based on the evidence, it is not unreasonable or clouded to assume that she isn't pregnant. She might be, but we can have no possible way of knowing that without any proof.
A wise priest said once that feelings only exist to support what we know. When they do more than that, they have outgrown their usefulness. I fear that she might someday come to us with a child. I fear that she might try to hurt us. But those fears are not based on facts, and I can't allow them to control me. I have a tiny baby to think about (and a not so tiny one!). I am trying with all my heart to just focus on what I know and trust all the signs that God and the saints are giving us.
I love you, my husband. I know you know that, but I felt the need to say it here.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Stolen
This morning I am feeling so sad. I am feeling how unjust this whole situation is. I'm not thinking about the lost trust, the damage to our relationship, the wasted time, the money spent now on fixing it, or any of that.
I keep thinking of the story of King David in the Bible who had everything, but stole another man's wife. Samuel told him that he was like a wealthy man with a large flock who stole and killed a poor man's single lamb.
My husband is the only man I've been with. The only man I ever will be with. The other woman doesn't value sex as I do. She has no problem sleeping with men just because it feels right and didn't ever admit that being with a married man was a big deal. She can sleep with anyone who is willing, and not feel that there's a spiritual connection, or even be certain of a future with that person. Sex is sex. That is why I feel that she is even more responsible than my husband in this. She knowingly, willingly stole from me something that she didn't even value, and could have gotten anywhere. She planned my husband's infidelity, did all she could to accomplish it, while his sin was complacency. She'll probably have many partners in the future. Why did she have to pollute mine?????
I can't ever have my little lamb returned.....
I keep thinking of the story of King David in the Bible who had everything, but stole another man's wife. Samuel told him that he was like a wealthy man with a large flock who stole and killed a poor man's single lamb.
My husband is the only man I've been with. The only man I ever will be with. The other woman doesn't value sex as I do. She has no problem sleeping with men just because it feels right and didn't ever admit that being with a married man was a big deal. She can sleep with anyone who is willing, and not feel that there's a spiritual connection, or even be certain of a future with that person. Sex is sex. That is why I feel that she is even more responsible than my husband in this. She knowingly, willingly stole from me something that she didn't even value, and could have gotten anywhere. She planned my husband's infidelity, did all she could to accomplish it, while his sin was complacency. She'll probably have many partners in the future. Why did she have to pollute mine?????
I can't ever have my little lamb returned.....
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Fire
Last night we gathered up all physical evidence of the affair: papers, pictures she took, etc. We burned them all together. It was good to do it. I wasn't sure at first, but not having those physical reminders in our house is a good thing. I used to take out the phone bills where he had called her so much and just weep. Now I can't do that anymore. Now I shouldn't do that anymore because I need to focus on our new baby. We cried seeing the pictures of our son burn, but this is a good thing for us. I feel much more at peace today.
Lord, thank you for the many ways You are comforting us. Thank you for the peace You have given me today. Let the fire and roses from last night be a symbol that things are going to get better from here on out. Let us take comfort from those two events and look to the future, confident that all ties to evil are behind us. We love you, Lord. In all this time, we have felt You carrying us, comforting us, and grieving with us. We won't let You down like this again.
Earlier in the evening, we were in the car and our son was fussing so I handed him my rosary. When we opened the door to get him, there was an overpowering scent of roses. The rosary I gave him looks like rosewood, but never once in the years I’ve had it has it smelled like roses. We looked at each other and at the same time remembered that St. Therese promised to send a shower of roses, and we had just started another novena to her that day. Our son smelled like roses until we put him to bed. The rosary still smells like roses today. We feel like God has been giving us so many signs lately. Signs that may or may not be that He has granted our request (our new baby is a BIG sign), but that give us hope and comfort during this difficult time regardless. I told my husband last night that we’re going to feel pretty silly when God answers our prayers for ever doubting Him after all the signs He’s given us. Whatever God decides, He’s made sure we know that He’s taking care of us and loves us.
Lord, thank you for the many ways You are comforting us. Thank you for the peace You have given me today. Let the fire and roses from last night be a symbol that things are going to get better from here on out. Let us take comfort from those two events and look to the future, confident that all ties to evil are behind us. We love you, Lord. In all this time, we have felt You carrying us, comforting us, and grieving with us. We won't let You down like this again.
Monday, July 24, 2006
One day at a time
My love,
I was trying to figure out how I'm doing today, and honestly, I can't say for sure. Sometimes I feel like the pain is healing, sometimes it cuts me like a knife, and other times, like today, it's just a dull, dark ache. I feel like it's becoming a part of who I am.
Gratefully, we made it through yesterday without tears and half a day without even talking about the situation! Thank God for small miracles. I am trying so hard to be patient, but am not succeeding very well. I feel like it is completely impossible for me to focus 100% on my pregnancy and joy over the new baby with this terrifying question hanging over my head.
Dear Lord,
please teach me patience. Help me to focus on our little tiny life you just gave us. She is a miracle and already we love her so much. Help me have peace in my soul, mind, and body so that she feels nothing but love. Keep evil away from her and from our son. We beg you not to add the other cross to their tender, young, innocent lives. They don't deserve that punishment.
We love you, Lord, and thank you for all your blessings in this time of need.
Amen.
I was trying to figure out how I'm doing today, and honestly, I can't say for sure. Sometimes I feel like the pain is healing, sometimes it cuts me like a knife, and other times, like today, it's just a dull, dark ache. I feel like it's becoming a part of who I am.
Gratefully, we made it through yesterday without tears and half a day without even talking about the situation! Thank God for small miracles. I am trying so hard to be patient, but am not succeeding very well. I feel like it is completely impossible for me to focus 100% on my pregnancy and joy over the new baby with this terrifying question hanging over my head.
Dear Lord,
please teach me patience. Help me to focus on our little tiny life you just gave us. She is a miracle and already we love her so much. Help me have peace in my soul, mind, and body so that she feels nothing but love. Keep evil away from her and from our son. We beg you not to add the other cross to their tender, young, innocent lives. They don't deserve that punishment.
We love you, Lord, and thank you for all your blessings in this time of need.
Amen.
Friday, July 21, 2006
I wanted so badly to receive an answer yesterday......
This morning when I went out to run errands, I didn't drive by because I'm trying to focus on the new baby now, but it was hard not to. I want to focus so badly on her because she needs me. I'm trying not to think about how awful it would be if for six months of my pregnancy I kept thinking about her being pregnant with my husband's child.
I know that God will take care of us. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan. It's so hard not knowing what His plan is, though.
Dear Lord,
we are so grateful for this tiny miracle. We know every life is a miracle, but this one is particularly one. We realize that this is an opportunity to bring new life into our marriage. It's an opportunity to enrich our lives and our son's. We also are humbled that you entrust us with this responsibility, trusting that we can do better. Please help us keep stress out of our lives. Please, for little Therese's sake, keep her Mommy happy and at peace. We ask, if it be your will, to give us an answer about the other soon.
This morning when I went out to run errands, I didn't drive by because I'm trying to focus on the new baby now, but it was hard not to. I want to focus so badly on her because she needs me. I'm trying not to think about how awful it would be if for six months of my pregnancy I kept thinking about her being pregnant with my husband's child.
I know that God will take care of us. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan. It's so hard not knowing what His plan is, though.
Dear Lord,
we are so grateful for this tiny miracle. We know every life is a miracle, but this one is particularly one. We realize that this is an opportunity to bring new life into our marriage. It's an opportunity to enrich our lives and our son's. We also are humbled that you entrust us with this responsibility, trusting that we can do better. Please help us keep stress out of our lives. Please, for little Therese's sake, keep her Mommy happy and at peace. We ask, if it be your will, to give us an answer about the other soon.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
What does it mean?
I was driving home from dropping my husband off at school when I had a very strange experience. I was in the middle of a violent rain storm and traffic was moving slowly. I was listening to "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton, when an ambulance and firetruck came up behind me and hurried on. I watched as they into turned......right into her neighborhood. Involuntarily, I pictured her in an accident, and said a quick "Eternal rest grant unto her, Oh, Lord...." and then started crying. It probably doesn't mean she was injured or killed tonight, but the rain, song, ambulance, and location just gave me an eerie feeling. Because of a promise to my husband, I didn't go and see where they were headed, but I wanted to..........
Such a blessing
Yesterday we found out that we are going to have a baby. This is such a wonderful gift from God. I also wonder if maybe it's an answer to our prayers..... We had both been praying that if God wanted there to be another life right now, to please give us a baby instead of her. We hadn't planned on having another baby for a couple years. We had also told St. Therese in our novena that if she granted our request, we'd name our next baby after her, if it is a girl. We feel like this little life is a miracle. There hasn't been much opportunity for conception. We've been practicing NFP, and conception was highly unlikely. When we tried to conceive our son, I wasn't able to get pregnant for months until I put on some weight. I was fifteen pounds heavier. It just seems that God really wants us to have this little one.
Maybe this isn't the answer to our prayer about the other child, but regardless, this baby is a blessing. A new life brings new life to all of us. My husband feels that God is giving him another chance to prove he can be a better daddy. God is entrusting him to be present with his infant this time around. This new life could be a fresh start in our marriage. I'm sure the change will be tough on our 8 month old son, but in time he will welcome a sibling, I know.
I feel so overwhelmed by God's generosity. Even if this isn't a sign that that specific prayer is answered, it's a prayer that God is still with us and loves us. I truly believe God wants us to be happy.
Dear Lord,
thank you for your many gifts. We will be good stewards, and cherish all that you bestow on us. We are grateful for the honor of being given another chance to do better. We are so thankful for the tiny life I'm carrying. Please help us focus on her, now, instead of the negative things. We ask that this is a sign that our other prayer has been granted, but even if it's not, we gratefully accept this gift and see it as a sign from You that You are present in our lives and Love us.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...........
Maybe this isn't the answer to our prayer about the other child, but regardless, this baby is a blessing. A new life brings new life to all of us. My husband feels that God is giving him another chance to prove he can be a better daddy. God is entrusting him to be present with his infant this time around. This new life could be a fresh start in our marriage. I'm sure the change will be tough on our 8 month old son, but in time he will welcome a sibling, I know.
I feel so overwhelmed by God's generosity. Even if this isn't a sign that that specific prayer is answered, it's a prayer that God is still with us and loves us. I truly believe God wants us to be happy.
Dear Lord,
thank you for your many gifts. We will be good stewards, and cherish all that you bestow on us. We are grateful for the honor of being given another chance to do better. We are so thankful for the tiny life I'm carrying. Please help us focus on her, now, instead of the negative things. We ask that this is a sign that our other prayer has been granted, but even if it's not, we gratefully accept this gift and see it as a sign from You that You are present in our lives and Love us.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...........
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Waiting
Dear Lord,
this is a tough time. We are living in such suspense of the unknown. We have started to feel a little hope that our request might be granted. If that is so, Lord, please let us know so that we are not "stuck" in our progress. We have been doing very well, considering, but it's hard having that question hanging over us. If part of our trial is to wait, we will make you proud by our patience without anger or resentment towards You.
Thank you for keeping us together. Thank you for giving my husband a repentant and remorseful heart. Thank you for increasing our Love for each other. Help us to act according to Your will. Give us strength and virtue that will make us worthy of Heaven. Keep all evil out of our home and our lives, and show us the way to raise our children in Love for You.
Amen.
this is a tough time. We are living in such suspense of the unknown. We have started to feel a little hope that our request might be granted. If that is so, Lord, please let us know so that we are not "stuck" in our progress. We have been doing very well, considering, but it's hard having that question hanging over us. If part of our trial is to wait, we will make you proud by our patience without anger or resentment towards You.
Thank you for keeping us together. Thank you for giving my husband a repentant and remorseful heart. Thank you for increasing our Love for each other. Help us to act according to Your will. Give us strength and virtue that will make us worthy of Heaven. Keep all evil out of our home and our lives, and show us the way to raise our children in Love for You.
Amen.
Monday, July 17, 2006
A Funny Thing
This is easily the most painful time in my life. The grief, anger, hopelessness, regret, pleading, exhaustion, etc. sometimes are so overwhelming. It is in a tragedy that many people feel abandoned by God and doubt in His Love.
It's a funny thing, though, because I have never felt God's presence more in my life than through this crisis. My life is a prayer. The day begins, passes, and ends with prayer. Recited prayer, read prayer, personal prayer, shared prayer with my husband. I can feel God's grace helping us get by every day. I can feel His power by the daily strengthening of our love. I can sense His peace every time I say to Him that I love Him. I can witness His presence in our daily growth.
It's been......nice, for lack of a better word, how prayer has been so comforting and not at all an inconvenience, but a pleasure.
I pray that when we have healed from this tragedy, we still can retain this ardor and devotion to the One who helped us through.
It's a funny thing, though, because I have never felt God's presence more in my life than through this crisis. My life is a prayer. The day begins, passes, and ends with prayer. Recited prayer, read prayer, personal prayer, shared prayer with my husband. I can feel God's grace helping us get by every day. I can feel His power by the daily strengthening of our love. I can sense His peace every time I say to Him that I love Him. I can witness His presence in our daily growth.
It's been......nice, for lack of a better word, how prayer has been so comforting and not at all an inconvenience, but a pleasure.
I pray that when we have healed from this tragedy, we still can retain this ardor and devotion to the One who helped us through.
Fear
Last night I was struck with a panic. Our prayer has been to avoid the worse case scenario: another baby. It hit me last night that what if that isn't the worst? My husband has been praying that the punishment he's due will fall on him alone, and not me and our children. For a moment I was fearful that the punishment might be taking his life. That would be so much worse. I can't bear the thought of life without my Love. Praise be to God, He rarely answers our prayers the way we expect or think of. And that punishment would hurt me and ours even worse than the alternative. Last night for the first time, I joined him on the floor. I didn't want to be far from him. I wanted to know he was near.
What gloomy thoughts we have been having.
Dear Lord,
help us live our wedding verse "consider the lilies of the field....". We trust in your divine plan and know that you can make all things right. Give us peace. We are really going through a tough few days right now. We make our hearts and wills transparent before You. You can see our devotion, our Love, our sorrow, our repentance. Please do not turn your back upon us during this time.
Amen.
What gloomy thoughts we have been having.
Dear Lord,
help us live our wedding verse "consider the lilies of the field....". We trust in your divine plan and know that you can make all things right. Give us peace. We are really going through a tough few days right now. We make our hearts and wills transparent before You. You can see our devotion, our Love, our sorrow, our repentance. Please do not turn your back upon us during this time.
Amen.
Not a good weekend
This was such a difficult weekend. We are both very fragile right now. Fragile and broken. I told my husband how at the beginning I considered a separation, not so we could determine whether or not to stay together, but so he could truly appreciate me and our son. I decided not to for many reasons, some of which being: The lesson might be learned, but we would have lost all that time healing and strengthening our marriage. Our son had missed so much daddy time already because of the affair. I didn't want to rip them apart when they had finally started bonding. I would miss him. If he felt alone, he might go to the other woman for comfort.
I also that I had thought about waiting to see if there was a baby before deciding if I would stay married to him. I told him that at the beginning too. Weeks ago I dismissed that thought. I can't say I'll only stay married if I know what will happen, because there is no way to know. There will be more suffering in our future entirely unrelated to this. I can't leave because of uncertainty that would exist in any marriage.
I didn't realize, though, the effect that these two things would have on my husband. He was devastated all weekend long, thinking again of the possibility of losing me. I'm not walking, Darling. I'm not leaving. We are so good together when we're strong, and with God's grace, we will be again.
I also that I had thought about waiting to see if there was a baby before deciding if I would stay married to him. I told him that at the beginning too. Weeks ago I dismissed that thought. I can't say I'll only stay married if I know what will happen, because there is no way to know. There will be more suffering in our future entirely unrelated to this. I can't leave because of uncertainty that would exist in any marriage.
I didn't realize, though, the effect that these two things would have on my husband. He was devastated all weekend long, thinking again of the possibility of losing me. I'm not walking, Darling. I'm not leaving. We are so good together when we're strong, and with God's grace, we will be again.
Friday, July 14, 2006
What a hard day!
Yesterday was really a struggle. I found records indicating that they had been friends longer than I thought and was really angry. I know in the big picture an extra month doesn't add a whole lot, but to me it's another month that we were living a lie, another month for him to be living with sin, and another month closer to the birth of our son. His lies started right after our son's birth. That's hard for me because I always had this image of having a baby bringing a couple closer, and making the husband fall more in love with the wife for what she went through and for being the vessel of his child. It hurts that that image didn't come to be.
There was lots of yelling and lots of crying yesterday. These suprises hurt so much. Just when I think I have all the information, something new comes up and the pain rips my heart open again. At first I thought that this set back my trust, but my aunt said that not remembering the exact time conversations started could be a very honest fact and as long as nothing new has happened since the revelation, to keep moving on.
How broken my husband was yesterday. I haven't seen him so miserable in a while. It hurts me to see him that way, and I know that he was that way because he feels the same. My pain grieves him because he knows he caused it.
Our therapist told us that we were doing very well. She said that neither of us get defensive, which is rare, and we seem to have a very strong love and commitment to each other. I know that last part is true. It wasn't so true seven months ago, but now it definitely is. I have to remember that when something ugly like this surfaces again.
There was lots of yelling and lots of crying yesterday. These suprises hurt so much. Just when I think I have all the information, something new comes up and the pain rips my heart open again. At first I thought that this set back my trust, but my aunt said that not remembering the exact time conversations started could be a very honest fact and as long as nothing new has happened since the revelation, to keep moving on.
How broken my husband was yesterday. I haven't seen him so miserable in a while. It hurts me to see him that way, and I know that he was that way because he feels the same. My pain grieves him because he knows he caused it.
Our therapist told us that we were doing very well. She said that neither of us get defensive, which is rare, and we seem to have a very strong love and commitment to each other. I know that last part is true. It wasn't so true seven months ago, but now it definitely is. I have to remember that when something ugly like this surfaces again.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Patience
How impatient I am! I want answers to my prayers now. I want results at this very minute. The truth of the matter is, though, that this sin didn't happen overnight, and it won't be fixed overnight either. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
God is calling me to be patient and to trust in Him. To surrender my will. This verse speaks of human love, but I think also how we should love God. My love for my husband means I have to endure this suffering, but I would gladly do it over losing him forever. Just meditating on these words now, I see yet one more clear example that she didn't love him. She was happy about and even planned my husband's infidelity. She did everything in her power to make him sin. Love, according to this beautiful passage, would not rejoice in the wrong.
Dear Lord,
please teach me patience. I know that you rarely answer people exactly how they want, but isn't that a blessing? Our limited understanding can't see the future. Your plans for us far exceed any that we can have for ourselves. I know that you are at work in our lives. I know that you can see the future and will give us the means to deal with it. Jesus, I trust in Thee.
God is calling me to be patient and to trust in Him. To surrender my will. This verse speaks of human love, but I think also how we should love God. My love for my husband means I have to endure this suffering, but I would gladly do it over losing him forever. Just meditating on these words now, I see yet one more clear example that she didn't love him. She was happy about and even planned my husband's infidelity. She did everything in her power to make him sin. Love, according to this beautiful passage, would not rejoice in the wrong.
Dear Lord,
please teach me patience. I know that you rarely answer people exactly how they want, but isn't that a blessing? Our limited understanding can't see the future. Your plans for us far exceed any that we can have for ourselves. I know that you are at work in our lives. I know that you can see the future and will give us the means to deal with it. Jesus, I trust in Thee.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
First Time Offense
Dear Lord,
we have heard other people say, after a life of sin and error, that they wish they had only learned their lesson early on in life. They wish something had happened to make them stop sooner. We are grateful that You intervened early in our marriage to save us a lifetime of regrets. Please, Lord, do not make the punishment so severe for a first time offense. The sin is great, and the punishment we know is great too, but we ask You to look into our hearts and see that with every fiber in our beings we will prevent this from happening again. The punishment doesn't need to be greater for us to be committed to change. Heavenly Father, please use this as a warning should it happen again: don't give us the maximum punishment for this sin when it has only happened once.
We promise, Lord, that regardless of what you decide, we will not change our committment to preventing this or helping others. Our love and devotion to You is not dependent on You giving us what we want. We know that You are never outdone in generosity. Trusting in that, we give you all that we have, and all that we are. We know You'll take care of us.
Amen.
we have heard other people say, after a life of sin and error, that they wish they had only learned their lesson early on in life. They wish something had happened to make them stop sooner. We are grateful that You intervened early in our marriage to save us a lifetime of regrets. Please, Lord, do not make the punishment so severe for a first time offense. The sin is great, and the punishment we know is great too, but we ask You to look into our hearts and see that with every fiber in our beings we will prevent this from happening again. The punishment doesn't need to be greater for us to be committed to change. Heavenly Father, please use this as a warning should it happen again: don't give us the maximum punishment for this sin when it has only happened once.
We promise, Lord, that regardless of what you decide, we will not change our committment to preventing this or helping others. Our love and devotion to You is not dependent on You giving us what we want. We know that You are never outdone in generosity. Trusting in that, we give you all that we have, and all that we are. We know You'll take care of us.
Amen.
The innocent life
Dear Lord,
we ask today that you take care of the little life. We don't know that he belongs to my husband, but regardless we do pray for him, and all babies conceived without love. His mommy does not love him or want him, and will not teach him to love You. We ask that you always keep his tiny life close to You and don't allow him to suffer because of others' mistakes. We can't baptize him, Lord, but we believe in your mercy on the innocent. Know that we deeply desire his baptism so that he can live in paradise with You forever.
we ask today that you take care of the little life. We don't know that he belongs to my husband, but regardless we do pray for him, and all babies conceived without love. His mommy does not love him or want him, and will not teach him to love You. We ask that you always keep his tiny life close to You and don't allow him to suffer because of others' mistakes. We can't baptize him, Lord, but we believe in your mercy on the innocent. Know that we deeply desire his baptism so that he can live in paradise with You forever.
Thanksgiving
Dear Lord,
although this event is a tragedy and crisis in our marriage, we acknowledge that there are many that suffer far more than we do, and even in a situation such as this, we can be grateful that things are not worse.
We are thankful that we don't have associations in common with her. We aren't likely to run into her at Church, or places we frequently go. We are thankful that she did not make either of us sick because of her lifestyle choices. We are thankful that she wasn't a family friend, whose loss and betrayal would make this pain greater. We are thankful her absence now is not a source of pain to my husband. We are thankful that the Holy Spirit guided me to the truth, so he didn't spend years developing a habit of deception, or me distrust and suspicion. We are thankful that You, Lord, put it on his heart to avoid her before I intervened. We are thankful that she has not as yet come after the family out of anger or revenge. We are thankful neither of us are staying out of obligation, but because of mutual love. We are thankful that our son is too young to remember going through this. We are thankful for the strength and graces you have bestowed on us. And most importantly, Lord, we are grateful that you have kept us together.
Thank you, Lord, for giving us this opportunity to grow in Love for you and each other. This is a very hard test, but we pray that with your strength, we shall not be deficient. We are giving all we have to get through this, and know that You will make up the rest. We know that people do not always get what they deserve in this life, and sometimes good people suffer for some greater reason that only You can see. We know that this evil in our life is not because You don't love us, but because of our weak and imperfect love for You and each other that allows sin to continue.
We ask, Lord, that you give us strength to embrace our cross, and become better and holier from its presence in our life. May how we handle this crisis give glory and testament to You, and by our example, bring others to know your compassionate Love.
We love You, Lord. Show us how to Love you and each other more perfectly.
Amen.
although this event is a tragedy and crisis in our marriage, we acknowledge that there are many that suffer far more than we do, and even in a situation such as this, we can be grateful that things are not worse.
We are thankful that we don't have associations in common with her. We aren't likely to run into her at Church, or places we frequently go. We are thankful that she did not make either of us sick because of her lifestyle choices. We are thankful that she wasn't a family friend, whose loss and betrayal would make this pain greater. We are thankful her absence now is not a source of pain to my husband. We are thankful that the Holy Spirit guided me to the truth, so he didn't spend years developing a habit of deception, or me distrust and suspicion. We are thankful that You, Lord, put it on his heart to avoid her before I intervened. We are thankful that she has not as yet come after the family out of anger or revenge. We are thankful neither of us are staying out of obligation, but because of mutual love. We are thankful that our son is too young to remember going through this. We are thankful for the strength and graces you have bestowed on us. And most importantly, Lord, we are grateful that you have kept us together.
Thank you, Lord, for giving us this opportunity to grow in Love for you and each other. This is a very hard test, but we pray that with your strength, we shall not be deficient. We are giving all we have to get through this, and know that You will make up the rest. We know that people do not always get what they deserve in this life, and sometimes good people suffer for some greater reason that only You can see. We know that this evil in our life is not because You don't love us, but because of our weak and imperfect love for You and each other that allows sin to continue.
We ask, Lord, that you give us strength to embrace our cross, and become better and holier from its presence in our life. May how we handle this crisis give glory and testament to You, and by our example, bring others to know your compassionate Love.
We love You, Lord. Show us how to Love you and each other more perfectly.
Amen.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Novena to St. Rita
Today is the fourth day of our novena to St. Rita, patroness of the impossible situation. In our novena, we promise to tell people how she granted our request and spread a devotion to her. I would gladly tell everyone we know what she did if she just answers our prayers for there not to be a baby with her.
Some days I feel weary in prayer. Not that I don't want to keep praying, but I must sound like a broken record always praying for the same thing. My desire for that intention hasn't lessened, but I wonder if always begging for the same thing is effective, or pleasing to God.
I keep telling Him all my reasons for not wanting another baby:
1. So my husband won't bear the cross of always knowing he has a child out there in the world that he knows nothing about.
2. So my right to be the sole bearer of my husband's children isn't taken from me
3. So we don't have to explain some day to our children that they have a half sibling....that such a pain be spared them.
4. So there isn't another illegitimate child being raised in the world, created without love, being raise by a single mother with other children.
5. So that child is not brought into a Godless home with a family without faith or principles, and the possibility of knowing and loving Him is very slim.
6. So we don't live in dread of the day when he comes looking for the father he never knew.
7. So I don't bear the pain of my womb being robbed and devalued.
8. So our parents don't wonder about the grandchild they won't know.
9. So our family structure, which God always wanted to be Mother, Father, children together, isn't compromised.
10. So a baby won't be born to a mother who wished he would die before birth and considered abortion. How sad for a baby to be carried by a woman who doesn't love him!
11. So we won't have any tie to such a horrible influence, and never need communication with her again.
12. So our attention and energy can be on fruitful and productive things, not always looking back on the worst possible event that could happen to a marriage.
These are not in order, and certainly don't encompass all the ramifications of another child. God knows my reasons. I hope that they are worthy enough for God to consider. I will try not to tell Him my reasons again. He sees them here now, and sees them in my heart.
Dear St. Rita, please look at these reasons and see that they are not purely selfish. Please mention them to God on our behalf. We know that God listens to you because of your dedication to Him on earth. We dedicate our life to Him, too, whether or not He grants our request. We promise to do His will, but that will be so hard if our attention is always divided by such an evil (no baby is an evil, but one created out of selfishness and adultery born into a broken home without Love or piety our faith teaches us is not pleasing to God). Ask him to have pity on His servants who are trying with all their might to live the way He wants. Please St. Rita. We beg you to pray for us.
Some days I feel weary in prayer. Not that I don't want to keep praying, but I must sound like a broken record always praying for the same thing. My desire for that intention hasn't lessened, but I wonder if always begging for the same thing is effective, or pleasing to God.
I keep telling Him all my reasons for not wanting another baby:
1. So my husband won't bear the cross of always knowing he has a child out there in the world that he knows nothing about.
2. So my right to be the sole bearer of my husband's children isn't taken from me
3. So we don't have to explain some day to our children that they have a half sibling....that such a pain be spared them.
4. So there isn't another illegitimate child being raised in the world, created without love, being raise by a single mother with other children.
5. So that child is not brought into a Godless home with a family without faith or principles, and the possibility of knowing and loving Him is very slim.
6. So we don't live in dread of the day when he comes looking for the father he never knew.
7. So I don't bear the pain of my womb being robbed and devalued.
8. So our parents don't wonder about the grandchild they won't know.
9. So our family structure, which God always wanted to be Mother, Father, children together, isn't compromised.
10. So a baby won't be born to a mother who wished he would die before birth and considered abortion. How sad for a baby to be carried by a woman who doesn't love him!
11. So we won't have any tie to such a horrible influence, and never need communication with her again.
12. So our attention and energy can be on fruitful and productive things, not always looking back on the worst possible event that could happen to a marriage.
These are not in order, and certainly don't encompass all the ramifications of another child. God knows my reasons. I hope that they are worthy enough for God to consider. I will try not to tell Him my reasons again. He sees them here now, and sees them in my heart.
Dear St. Rita, please look at these reasons and see that they are not purely selfish. Please mention them to God on our behalf. We know that God listens to you because of your dedication to Him on earth. We dedicate our life to Him, too, whether or not He grants our request. We promise to do His will, but that will be so hard if our attention is always divided by such an evil (no baby is an evil, but one created out of selfishness and adultery born into a broken home without Love or piety our faith teaches us is not pleasing to God). Ask him to have pity on His servants who are trying with all their might to live the way He wants. Please St. Rita. We beg you to pray for us.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
What does it mean to hope and have faith?
I wish I knew the answer......
I have been praying desperately that the other woman would not be carrying my husband's child. I have also been praying for strength to accept His will. In reading about the Little Flower, they say that she had so much confidence in God: a childlike confidence that is very pleasing to Him.
So, do I believe that God will grant my request with a childlike simplicity, or would that be arrogance? Would God prefer me to just pray to be open to His will? Or, would me doubting that God will grant my request not be having the faith God asks of me?
I am so torn. I don't want there to be a baby. I also want strength to deal with it if there is. How can I pray for both? How do I petition God without being arrogant or doubtful?
Dear Lord,
I believe that you can see the big picture and know that you will give me strength to face the future. Please do not scorn me for being frightened and confused. You understand my motives, my fears, and my desires. Grant my request, I humbly ask, Dear Lord, or give me strength to face your decision. I know that my fears are silly, because whatis there to dread when I know you're in control? I keep begging for that cross to be taken away, but know that you can only know what is best. Please do not make the punishment for this sin be so severe, especially since it would hurt the innocent most: the child, my child, and myself, though I know that my soul is not free from sin. Have mercy on me for my sins, on my husband for his weakness, and on her for her cunning and intent to steal what belonged to me.
In your Son's Name, I humbly pray.
I have been praying desperately that the other woman would not be carrying my husband's child. I have also been praying for strength to accept His will. In reading about the Little Flower, they say that she had so much confidence in God: a childlike confidence that is very pleasing to Him.
So, do I believe that God will grant my request with a childlike simplicity, or would that be arrogance? Would God prefer me to just pray to be open to His will? Or, would me doubting that God will grant my request not be having the faith God asks of me?
I am so torn. I don't want there to be a baby. I also want strength to deal with it if there is. How can I pray for both? How do I petition God without being arrogant or doubtful?
Dear Lord,
I believe that you can see the big picture and know that you will give me strength to face the future. Please do not scorn me for being frightened and confused. You understand my motives, my fears, and my desires. Grant my request, I humbly ask, Dear Lord, or give me strength to face your decision. I know that my fears are silly, because whatis there to dread when I know you're in control? I keep begging for that cross to be taken away, but know that you can only know what is best. Please do not make the punishment for this sin be so severe, especially since it would hurt the innocent most: the child, my child, and myself, though I know that my soul is not free from sin. Have mercy on me for my sins, on my husband for his weakness, and on her for her cunning and intent to steal what belonged to me.
In your Son's Name, I humbly pray.
Friday, July 07, 2006
How will St. Therese help?
I talked with my Mom about how I was finally able to pray for the other woman last night. She said that maybe that is a grace from St. Therese. St. Therese was always very concerned with the safety of souls....especially those who were most in danger. I do feel it's a grace for me to pray for her. I pray that isn't the only grace St. Therese gives, but even if it is, it isn't a tiny or unimportant one. I don't want to carry hatred in my heart.
A breakthrough
Last night was very hard for me. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and drove around for a while. On that drive, for the first time ever, I was able to offer up truly sincere prayers for my husband's lover (any prior prayers were usually along the lines of "Lord, don't let that manipulative whore ruin anymore lives). I prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet for he soul. Then, I asked God to put someone in her life, a friend or husband, who would lead her to Him. Although my husband has always been a good Christian outside of this event, he couldn't have been that person for her, because leading a soul to heaven is a very intimate experience, and he should never become that close to another woman. I pray that how we handle this situation can be a witness to her of Christian charity and love (that doesn't mean giving her everything she demands, but responding without trying to hurt her). It won't mean much to her now, but maybe it will someday. I acknowledged last night that God loves her too. God wants her to get to heaven. I need to keep praying that God will give her someone to show her the way, for her sake, and for her children's. I believe that God weaps when he sees single mothers. God never wanted that for anyone.....
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Anniversary Prayer
Dear Lord,
we celebrate now another year together. This has not been an easy one, but with your blessings, we are confident we can face another. Please keep always burning a love in our hearts for each other and for You, because we know it honors you when we are faithful to one another. Help us see that like two points on a triangle, when we move upwards towards you, we become closer together as well. We know that the difficult days are not over, but we trust that You will give us the grace You promised to us in our sacrament to get through them.
Help us to always give an example of beautiful sacrificial love to our children. Nothing is more comforting to a child than to be secure in his parents' love for one another. May we teach by our actions respect and honor, and ever guide our children closer to You.
Thank you Lord, for the time we have been given. Amen.
we celebrate now another year together. This has not been an easy one, but with your blessings, we are confident we can face another. Please keep always burning a love in our hearts for each other and for You, because we know it honors you when we are faithful to one another. Help us see that like two points on a triangle, when we move upwards towards you, we become closer together as well. We know that the difficult days are not over, but we trust that You will give us the grace You promised to us in our sacrament to get through them.
Help us to always give an example of beautiful sacrificial love to our children. Nothing is more comforting to a child than to be secure in his parents' love for one another. May we teach by our actions respect and honor, and ever guide our children closer to You.
Thank you Lord, for the time we have been given. Amen.
Anniversary
Yesterday was our third anniversary. We had a quiet meal at home, keeping our tradition of a special Italian dessert wine and biscotti afterwards, in memory of our Italian honeymoon.
After dinner, we sat on our porch in and watched the gentle rain, reminiscing about the past three years. We both agreed that our first year and a half were the happiest of our lives. On the surface, it might seem strange that they would be so happy. I was a full-time student, my husband had a grueling commute, we were adjusting to life away from our families, whom we were both very close to.....
Our lives were full of self sacrifice. My husband only drove so far so I could get my degree. I only had such a horrific work load so that I could finish early for his sake. We prayed the rosary together regularly on his drive, and our weekends were often spent blissfully laid back just enjoying each other. We were generous with our time and money. We even let our brother live with us for a while.
Maybe it was that self sacrifice that was the key to our happiness. We were both doing so much for the sake of the other. During the time of the affair, my husband was in school for the betterment of the family, yes, but school became an escape from us. He would stay there longer than necessary to be with his new friend, even though he had such little time at home. My focus was on our son. I knew things weren't right between us, but we both kept putting off fixing the problem because we thought we should tough it out until school was over. Our love for each other was no longer first priority.
To regain the peace and happiness of our first year or so, I think we probably need to keep that sacrificial love always in the forefront of our minds. Yes, we have obligations to our son and family, and Church, but we can best serve them when we are strong together.
And so, My most precious Love, today I re-dedicate myself to you. I offer up our suffering now for strength and peace later. We can and will be happy as long as we keep this rediscovered fervor for each other burning in our hearts. I love you, Darling. Happy Anniversary.
After dinner, we sat on our porch in and watched the gentle rain, reminiscing about the past three years. We both agreed that our first year and a half were the happiest of our lives. On the surface, it might seem strange that they would be so happy. I was a full-time student, my husband had a grueling commute, we were adjusting to life away from our families, whom we were both very close to.....
Our lives were full of self sacrifice. My husband only drove so far so I could get my degree. I only had such a horrific work load so that I could finish early for his sake. We prayed the rosary together regularly on his drive, and our weekends were often spent blissfully laid back just enjoying each other. We were generous with our time and money. We even let our brother live with us for a while.
Maybe it was that self sacrifice that was the key to our happiness. We were both doing so much for the sake of the other. During the time of the affair, my husband was in school for the betterment of the family, yes, but school became an escape from us. He would stay there longer than necessary to be with his new friend, even though he had such little time at home. My focus was on our son. I knew things weren't right between us, but we both kept putting off fixing the problem because we thought we should tough it out until school was over. Our love for each other was no longer first priority.
To regain the peace and happiness of our first year or so, I think we probably need to keep that sacrificial love always in the forefront of our minds. Yes, we have obligations to our son and family, and Church, but we can best serve them when we are strong together.
And so, My most precious Love, today I re-dedicate myself to you. I offer up our suffering now for strength and peace later. We can and will be happy as long as we keep this rediscovered fervor for each other burning in our hearts. I love you, Darling. Happy Anniversary.
Monday, July 03, 2006
St. Therese
Dear Little Flower,
teach me your simplicity of faith. You had such a beautiful trust in God. Grant me some of that wisdom. You promised to spend your heaven doing good on earth. Please do some good in my family. You have helped so many people, and I know that you can help grant our most urgent of requests. We know that there are punishments for sins, but please ask our Lord not to punish the completely innocent....the children....because of this sin. If the cross is too heavy, we may despair. Please ask our Lord to take this cross from us. Don't let me bear the pain of another child.....
Please, Little Flower, intercede for us.
teach me your simplicity of faith. You had such a beautiful trust in God. Grant me some of that wisdom. You promised to spend your heaven doing good on earth. Please do some good in my family. You have helped so many people, and I know that you can help grant our most urgent of requests. We know that there are punishments for sins, but please ask our Lord not to punish the completely innocent....the children....because of this sin. If the cross is too heavy, we may despair. Please ask our Lord to take this cross from us. Don't let me bear the pain of another child.....
Please, Little Flower, intercede for us.
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