Where am I at today?

Such a roller coaster of emotions. Today we're on day three of a novena to St. Therese. We are holding off on finding a lawyer until the end of the novena. I think God will give us some kind of answer by then......

I am trying with all my might to trust in God's mercy, will, and desire for the best thing for all of us. I want to love Him and trust Him like a little child. I am asking for that uncomplicated innocence that my faith always had in Him until this. I am so scared that He's going to say that another child is what we have to live with, but what can I do? Nothing. I'll be happier if I can accept what I can't change and hope that God will do what is best.

I thought about bartering with Him today. I almost said, "Lord, if you don't give us that cross, we will do everything in our power to prevent this cycle from continuing and will help others from making our mistakes." I couldn't say that prayer, though, because I know whether or not we get what we want, we need to do that anyway. I can't tell God I'll do the right thing if I get my way. That would be acting like a spoiled child, not a sweet innocent one.

Lord, help me trust in your wisdom. Help me love you like a little child does, with complete confidence and unwaivering hope. I love you and am grateful for your many blessings. I humbly ask you to withhold that cross from me, not just for our sake, but for our children's, and the baby's, and honestly, the other woman's. I know unwed mothers grieve you. They grieve me too.

I also ask that my suffering help relieve the punishment of my husband. I hate to see him suffer. I also ask that my suffering help prevent my child from anguish because of this.

Lord, grant us peace.

How the evil entered

I know that there's never going to be one simple answer for this affair, but trying to understand why it happened will help us know how to prevent it in the future.

Our therapist asked what our lives were like at the time of the affair. We had a new baby, my husband a new job, a family crisis, and he was a full-time student as well, not to mention our involvement in Church activities. She said that when stress is constant and overwhelming, our bodies are constantly being pumped with adrenaline to face our challenges. It used to be that man's fears were physical, so the adrenaline would give us strength to "fight or flight" but now our stresses are more emotional and psychological. When all that adrenaline is produced but isn't burned off, it can lead to a depression. In looking over my husband's behavior before and during his affair, his actions were very consistent with a depression. Always previously an optimist, he was the gloomiest of a group, having little to say to anyone. He rarely had a positive thought. Our therapist said that when you feel so constantly overwhelmed, often, without knowing you're looking for it, you try to escape.

I think that my husband's friendship with this woman was an escape. She was one person in his life that he didn't owe anything to, was not responsible for. She wasn't associated with work, family, or Church. She wouldn't be a reminder of all the extreme pressure he was under.

I have asked my husband so many times what it was that drew him to her: what he liked about her, what was special. They had nothing in common. She wasn't especially physically attractive. They didn't share interests or values, or similar backgrounds. The only answer he's been able to give me is that she was friendly to him and he was flattered by her attention, and she was in the right place at the right time.

Okay.....so.....what does that mean in the future? Well, the first thing is to admit to the pressure you're under and realize it when you're experiencing it. Second, cut back everything that is making you feel so overwhelmed and stressed, if at all possible. And lastly, find some outlet to do that will not bring you any stress, but can relieve it. Our therapist suggested something creative, but people's outlets take all forms.

I don't believe that stress was the only reason my husband cheated, but this makes sense to me. We used to tell each other that as soon as the semester, school, whatever was over, things would get better. We have learned through this we cannot put off making things right between us. Allowing us to stay in a disconnected, unhappy state is a huge contributor in my husband's affair. We cannot ever do that again.

To Our Lady

Dear Blessed Mother,
God gave you tenderness, compassion, love, and beauty. Who on earth did God love more than you? I am begging you to intercede for me. Look down on your daughter, and try to soften God's heart towards me. You, whose most holy womb held Our Lord and Savior, can understand the agony I feel in my womb being denied....robbed.....devalued.....
I know that God listens to you. Who could ignore the entreaty of one such as You? I know that if you ask this for me, God will not ignore your request. Please, Mother. Your daughter needs your prayers. Your daughter needs you to plead on my behalf to my Father.
Please, Mother. I humbly beg for you to try.

Doubts

Today for the first time in this, or ever, I doubted God's love for me. I have tried to be a faithful daughter, and live His will. The affair is enough......why must there be a child too? I wish I could understand why God is allowing this to happen to me, and to our baby. Why, God? Have I not tried to be good? Am I being punished?

I know that in this life we don't get what we deserve, and have tried to remember Job, a faithful servant of God who lost everything he cared for. I've also been trying to remember the words of Fulton J. Sheen "Suffering happens when God loves you so much, that His embrace is so tight that it hurts." I can understand in my mind that God can love me and allow this, but I feel so desolate....I feel like He's abandoned me.

In this whole awful situation, I feel like I can handle everything, except the other child. I think of that and I want to give up......I feel so forsaken. Not being the only mother of my husband's children.......there is no pain greater than that that I can imagine.

Please, God, you're squeezing me too tightly. I can't breathe.... I love You so much, Lord. Please take pity on me and on my baby. Give me strength to face what's ahead. I need You....

A Family Prayer

Dear Lord,
we know that some weaknesses are passed from Father to Son, Mother to Daughter. There are some horrible weaknesses in our family. Please, Dear Lord, grant us the strength to stop the cycle here and now. Do not let these sins be passed any further down, and show us the way to be stronger than those that came before, and our children to be even stronger than us. Please, Lord, grant that it stop with us.

prayer from yesterday

I continue to say that prayer from yesterday today. It is always on my lips. I can't bear facing that cross. I'm so scared. I'm afraid today to pray for acceptance, because I'm pretty certain that that's the one God's going to grant. I know that's wrong.

Dear Lord, please comfort me today. Please give me strength to face what only you can see. If you won't grant me what I am begging you for, please show me someday that it was all worth while. Give me some sense in this. Please do not turn your back on your daughter. Please show mercy on one who has tried to ask very little of You.

Dear God,
please do not ask this of me. Please don't give me this cross. I am feeling so close to despair today. I can't see a good side, and I'm doubting there could even be one. Please, Lord, give me something to hold onto....some hope to give me comfort. Please don't ask any more of me than you already have. I beg you, please.

Not a good day

I don't feel very holy today. The other woman called and said she's expecting Benjamin to pay half her medical bills, for starters. We are going to hire a lawyer to see what his responsibilities are.

I am so angry today. I have lost so much. Today, seeing how much money we are going to lose because of this is just another dimension. We could be paying money out for the next 18 years to this woman because of the affair resulting in a child. We don't have the money to set aside for retirement, and now we have to come up with money to give to her. It's just one of a million ways that this situation is rotten.

I feel like there's not a single area of my life that hasn't been affected by my husband's sin.

I have been praying, though, for the Lord to not keep us in suspense about the condition of the baby, so thank you, God, for that. It's not what I wanted to hear, but you can see the big picture much better than I can. Give me strength today. I want to give up.

Out of my hands

I have always been a very proactive person, never one to let grass grow under my feet. Our situation has been a huge struggle for me, because there are so many factors that are completely out of my control. We are waiting for news of the other baby. She told him she was pregnant, but later said she thought she was losing the baby.

If the baby lives, we of course have always felt that my husband should pay child support. A part of me wishes the baby wouldn't......how selfish I am. The woman won't consider adoption, and selfishly has considered abortion. She even said that she's praying she loses the baby. I can't believe she would want the child to die, but won't consider letting another couple raise him.

Whatever happens, I pray every day that we will know soon. It is sheer torture living in this suspense. I am starting to feel that maybe my husband and I should offer to raise the baby. I know it would be hard always having that reminder of his affair, but would that be any harder than knowing the child was out there....wondering if he was being taken care of....if he knew God? Dreading the day when he'd come looking for his father......

If we at least tried to adopt the baby, maybe then he would know some day that his father didn't just abandon him. Maybe someday he would be comforted to know that his father did try.

This is so hard. I pray every day that God won't put us through the pain of knowing there's another child, but then always follow that prayer with one to accept His decision in this. Whatever happens, I pray every day that it happens soon, so this torture will end. There's nothing I can do right now, and that is just killing me.

Ghandi and Birth Control

On cosmos-liturgy-sex.com, they had a post about Ghandi's views on birth control. The quotes below stood out so strikingly to me about the views of your past lover.

“birth controllers turn vice into virtue. When sexual indulgence is regarded a virtue, it will be the undoing of man.”

If mutual consent makes a sexual act moral, whether within marriage or without, and, by parity of reasoning, even between members of the same sex, the whole basis of sexual morality is gone and nothing but misery and defect awaits the youth of the country… It is futile to hope that the use of contraceptives will be restricted to the mere regulation of progeny. There is hope for a decent life only so long as the sexual act is definitely related to the conception of precious life. This rules out of court perverted sexuality and, to a lesser degree, promiscuity. Divorce of the sexual act from its natural consequence must lead to hideous promiscuity and condonation, if not endorsement, of unnatural vice.

You told me that she didn't understand how sex with you was wrong, even though she knew you were married, because you were both consenting adults. If you both were okay with it, how could anyone say it was bad? Look at the rest of the quote, though. That moment of passionate weakness between the two of you has left all of us in such misery. When you were together, it was by obvious deliberate intent and forethought on her part. Maybe if she didn't have a way to insure she wouldn't get pregnant, it wouldn't have happened at all (since the affair was by deliberate design, not weakness in the moment on her part). But in all her conniving, she did consider not wanting to conceive when she laid her trap. I don't think she cared about that so much when it happened again, because at that point, she was pretty secure in your feelings and hoped that you two would have a permanent bond.

My friend who went through this experience on the other side said that being on the pill was the only reason she thought it safe to be involved in an affair. Fear of pregnancy would have been enough for her to keep away.

Look at the misery such wrecklessness has caused. Her well made plans opened the door for another encounter that was even more irresponsible. If it hadn't happened that first time, I doubt she would have been confident enough to try it on that other occasion. What a depraved society we live in, when the only consequence to promiscuity we fear is pregnancy. People never think about how their actions can hurt themselves and others: can destroy people's lives forever. People don't think about broken hearts, lack of trust, loneliness, lack of self-respect. I hate thinking about raising our child in such an immoral world where there are so many evil people with evil desires, and aren't willing to live their ways alone: they have to drag everyone else down with them.

Oh God, please protect our child from the snares of the world! Please give him a strong heart and conscience and the wisdom to see evil for what it is. Don't let our son go through this grief. Please, Lord.

Last night

Last night for the first time in weeks I felt anger. I felt the injustice of my life being so disrupted. the injustice of the daily torment and suspense I live in. the injustice of losing everything that was unique and special about our love and marriage to some whore who deliberately and greedily went after a married man.

The anger was brief and melted into a hopeless feeling. Last night was the closest I've come to despair. So much has been lost. Some times I feel like the ache in my heart will never go away.....and I wanted so much to find something to numb the pain for a while. There is nothing, though. The things people turn to the hide their pain: drugs, alchohol, sex, shopping, don't really heal anything and leave you with a bigger problem than you started with. I just have to feel this pain and pray to God to help me through it.

Dear St. Catherine of Genoa,
your heart was broken like mine too, once. Through God's grace both you and your husband were able to overcome the pain to become better, stronger, holier people. Please show me the way to allow and use His Grace during my darkest hour. Comfort me when I feel all hope is lost. Show me that the pain I am feeling now is not a permanent one and that my husband and I can have peace again, as you did. But above all, give me a genuine belief and trust in God's holy will and accept that He is the one truly in control: not me, not my husband, and especially, not her.

I found this prayer in my missal

Heavenly Father,
I know I am close to despair.
I feel so tempted to give up,
to withdraw from life and religion
and let the world simply carry me along.
Everything seems so meaningless
and nothing appeals to my better instincts.
Help me to remember that Jesus gave meaning to everything in the world.

Let me bank on that fact
and get over this time of despair,
to really believe in the depths of my being
that there is a reason for living.
Show me the reason for my life
and tell me what I must do.
Bring home to me that I am never alone,
but that you are with me even in the depths of despair.
Remind me that no matter what I may endure now
an unending joy awaits me in the future
if I but cling tightly to you
and your Son Jesus in the unity of the Spirit.

A Prayer

Heavenly Father,
I have rarely been able to pray for myself. I feel that your blessings have been so abundant, that any prayers on my behalf could only be greedy. Right now, Lord, I must pray for myself and for our tiny family. I beg You, Dear Lord, please don't allow what would take away from our son. Please don't allow either my husband or myself to bear the cross of knowing there's a little one out there that belongs to just one of us. Please, God. Please, God. That would be even harder than any of the other pain caused by this. I beg you, Lord, not to add that.

I know that You can see a bigger picture than the pain we're feeling now. I also trust that You will take what You can from this and make it good. I pray that if you can't grant my request, You will teach us to accept Your Will.

Mercy and Forgiveness

Yesterday after talking with our therapist, I got the impression from her that she thought either of us forgiving you was maybe premature. Maybe from an emotional standpoint it is, I don't know. But when God gives us a command, is there such a thing as obeying Him too quickly? Can we really do what God asks too much? This is our first snag dealing with a non-Catholic therapist. If there are many others, we may have to go somewhere else.

I think, My Love, that you have not truly accepted God's mercy. You don't feel worthy of it, but are any of us? Remember that God watched his son be brutally tortured and murdered and still forgave His killers. Can you imagine that happening to our little baby? God forgave the absolute worst crime. Is what you did on the same level as that? No. If God could forgive the murder of His child, then He can forgive you too.

You may not be able to forgive yourself for a while, but try to believe truly that God has shown His mercy to you. Accept that. Take comfort in that. In your prayers, thank Him for that. Remember that none of us are worthy of His forgiveness, but God has never acted soley on our own merit.

I love you.

Divorce is not an option

Some days, some moments are so very hard. Except for the very early days of this ugly business, though, I have not thought that the alternative is better. In fact, I believe it is far worse. I know so many women who have gone through divorce, never re-married, and are alone and bitter over the way their life turned out. Were I considering divorce, then I too could have the luxury of hating my husband forever, but would that really make for a better life? I read today the lines of William Makepeace Thackeray from Vanity Fair "And the business of her life was --to watch the corpse of Love." How depressing. But how many men and women who throw in the towel during a crisis spend the rest of their lives doing the same?

You and I, my dearest Love, have the opportunity to avoid that fate. The graces of our holy Sacrament can get us through this. I don't know how a marriage survives without these graces. I feel them working in our marriage many times in spite of either of us. They will help us get through this, and take us to a place where we can look back on our life together in awe of the beauty and richness that we shared.

Better Days

Yesterday I heard this song on the radio by the Goo Goo Dolls. I've probably heard it half a dozen times, but I never listened to the words until that moment. It is so fitting for our situation, but also very hopeful.

And you ask me what I want this year
and I try to make this good and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things,
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Chorus:
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again

and its someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and let's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's 10 million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

Chorus:

so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

I hope, My Love, that this song is some how comforting to you today.

Related to your post for today

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said that the five stages of grieving are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Although there wasn't a physical death, I am grieving a huge loss. I've lost trust in my husband, security and safety in our marriage, innocence in our relationship, and peace about our future.

I haven't been experiencing these things one at a time, but some of them have overlapped. I don't know that I felt denial for very long. I don't know, though, if I would be able to identify denial in the moment.

The anger was during the first week. All subsequent anger has been very brief.

I haven't gotten to the bargaining stage. I pray that God will help us heal and accept whatever His decisions are in this, but know that bargaining with Him is never fruitful or productive. I'm not sure I will go through that stage.

I feel like at this moment I'm in the depression. I have no energy. No motivation. Thank God for our baby because I am forced to get out of bed in the morning and take care of him. I'm not sleeping, and the only thing that brings me happiness is the few precious moments now when my husband and I are able to laugh together. Thank God for those moments. I am grateful that our baby is so little he won't remember any of this, or know his mommy this way. His smiles make me happy too. I try not to let myself think about my flaws and wonder which drove my husband away. Sometimes I feel like the most disgusting creature on earth, because the woman he had an affair with was so trashy and he had nothing in common with, but he was with her not me. I think the devil puts those thoughts in my head to keep me in the depression stage.

I look forward to the acceptance. I feel somedays like it's very close. I have moments of very strong hope that things can/will be better, and those moments are getting to be more frequent than those of doubt. I love my husband. I want us to be happy together again. And I know with God's help, we can be.

I know yesterday was hard for you, but.....

Remember, My Love,
that whatever the future might be in all of this, that won't change my conviction to be with you. We were destined for each other. God's genious is so apparent in our match. I have never seen a man that I felt would be suited more to me than you. Leaving you would mean leaving my heart with you, and how could I go on without that piece of me? I couldn't find a better man, so there is no possible inducement to sever our bond.
I love you.

My heart, mind, body, and soul longs for that most perfect union with you again.

Living under a microscope

Today we went to see a therapist for the first time, and then rushed from there to meet with our financial planner. This is a stressful time, not just because we're dealing with the affair, but because we are examining what feels like every aspect of our lives right now.
We meet with a priest to discuss our responsibilities to God, ourselves, and others.
A financial planner to arrange our finances and plan for the future.
A psychologist to help heal our relationship.
We have what seems to be a lot of people looking at us very intimately and telling us what we should be doing differently. It's good that we're doing these things, but emotionally and physically very draining.

My Husband's Blog

Although we are writing for ourselves and each other, should anything said be of comfort, or if you need the entire picture to help your own situation, you can see a little of his journey too at http://mea-maxima-culpa.blogspot.com/

To the Other Woman

Today's Gospel reading made me think about the other person in our situation who needs my forgiveness. I don't know if I'll ever send this, but felt the need to write it anyway. Maybe some "other woman" or couple in this situation will benefit in some way by reading my letter.

My purpose in writing you, whether or not you feel the need for it, is to let you know that you have my forgiveness. It may take many years, if ever, for you to feel remorse for almost destroying a marriage, but I felt the need in myself to tell you that I don’t hate you, and I am no longer angry. Maybe someday it will give you comfort to know that. You should know that my husband also has my forgiveness. His whole hearted drive to save our marriage gives testament to his sincerity in working through this with me. You should also know that I have asked very little of him. The counseling, spiritual direction, reading, cutting off contact with you, turning off his cell phone, are all of his own volition.

For as long as I have known my husband (seven years), I have seen how admired he was by the women around him. Although I have always thought him handsome, what was always most attractive to me, and I think other women sensed it instinctually when near him, was his character, his strength, confidence, and his goodness. Even if those weren’t what you thought about consciously when you started a relationship with him, I am sure that on some level you were attracted to those qualities. He is a special and rare man. I want you to realize that had he continued a relationship with you, had he left me and our son to be with you, as I’m sure you wished, you would have killed in him what was always so beautiful. His soul and his integrity were severely jeopardized by his involvement with you, but had he walked out on his marriage, they would have been lost forever. You never would have been happy with him because you couldn’t respect him and would be living in fear that he would abandon you as he did his family. I hope that you are able to understand this and maybe be glad you were saved more time invested in a relationship that could have only ended in bitterness, had you gotten what you wanted.

Life can be so hard out there for a woman. I’m sure you know this even better than I do. Men mistreat and use us all the time. Isn’t it that much worse, then, when a woman knowingly destroys another woman’s life, as you could have done to mine? Every woman has a dignity given by God. Maybe if you truly realize and accept that in yourself, it will help you see it in others and prevent you later on from mercilessly trying to ruin some other wife’s dreams because you want what is hers for yourself.

I pray that your pain now is not in vain, and when it heals, you can find happiness and peace .

Acts of Love

Sweetheart, I just wanted to thank you for the ways you have been showing your love. In addition to the list from before, here are some non-mess related things I have seen and appreciate.

open my car door
bring me flowers
initiate holding my hand
call me throughout the day
voluntarily say you love me
ask about my shoes and show an interest
tell me you miss me
change our son without being asked to
play with him
consider my thoughts and feelings about your job situation
you work so hard to give the three of us a good home and everything we need.
don't hide your sadness from me so we can comfort and help each other.

For You, My Love

Remember the beginning?
So pure and innocent
God surely must have planned our love
It couldn't have been an accident.

Our life was good or so it seemed,
But unaware, we grew apart.
Neither of us could have ever dreamed
For a while I'd lose your heart.

But I will love you forever.
I will stay with you always.
We can still be happy throughout the years.
I won't let you slip away
and if there's no other way
I'll pave your way to paradise with my tears.

I know your heart is broken too
Your soul's in great distress
The good man I've always seen in you
I know once more I will possess.

Oh, God, sometimes it seems too much
It's more than I can bear
but surely our broken, pleading cries
will help you hear our prayers.

And I will love you forever.
I will stay with you always.
We can still be happy throughout the years.
I won't let you slip away
and if there's no other way
I'll pave your way to paradise with my tears.

If two shall ever be as one

and we're bonded through and through
Maybe if I do this thing for you
Then you'll be my salvation too.

Just so you know that I've noticed.....

• You ended the relationship with her after the second time, roughly a month before I found them out. It is comforting to me that it didn’t take discovery for you to stop seeing her. You tried to end it before getting caught. I’m glad to know that you wouldn’t have indefinitely continued this affair until being discovered.
• You came clean with your parents, even though you knew it could change their opinion of you forever. You believing it was one of the necessary consequences you would have to suffer for your sin is in character for you. You have always taken responsibility for your actions. You have never been a coward or one to run because things might get unpleasant. It was something I always saw and admired during our courtship (things weren’t always easy with my parents) and I was relieved to see it in this.
• You faithfully reads the Bible every day now. Afterwards you share with me what stands out and we have had some really wonderful conversations as a result. It feels like our courtship when we were reading so many things the Bishop gave us to discuss.
• I had a pamphlet for a marriage recovery weekend in my purse that, unbeknownst to be, you took and contacted them asking for a registration form.
• You also hunted down a therapist through the diocese for us and set up the appointments and contacted insurance about it.
• You called to see when we could get counseling from a priest.
• You promised me that you would do anything it took to heal our marriage. You never makes any excuses or places blame on anyone but yourself for what happened. When I cry, you try to comfort me. When I say things that are hurtful or unfair, you don't argue, but asks for forgiveness. After months of being lied to and suspecting you weren't being honest, I feel like I can now know for certain when you're being truthful, having lived through your lies.
• You and I went to Focus on the Family and looked for books to help us. Aside from reading and discussing the one we finished, you are also reading a book independently of me and just because you thought it could help, on how to strengthen a marriage.
• You voluntarily turned in your cell phone.
• You gave me all the receipts from your business trip without my asking for them.
• You call me several times during the day so I can see where you are or who you're with by the number. You have a friend witness every/both calls from her so that I can verify with him what was said.
• You created a blog site for yourself and helped me set one up too for us to journal our thoughts and what we’re going through, and so we can share it with each other.

My Love, I just want you to know that I see your efforts and appreciate them. I love you so much. Thank you for trying to repair our marriage.

How I forgave

In thinking over this whole ugly business, I've been amazed that I was able to forgive my husband for his betrayal so quickly. I told him (and meant it) exactly one week after finding everything out. In looking back over friendships that have ended badly in my past, I realized that I have hardly ever forgiven anything this quickly. A friendship or two from my past where I felt I was very misused took months or over a year for me to think about without anger. There is no denying that adultery is the worst form of betrayal and I can't imagine anyone being able to hurt me more. My husband's offense was many times over a greater blow than thoughtlessness or neglect of a friendship. So why could I forgive this greatest of offenses so much sooner?

I think the reason can be summed up in one word: Love. I thought that those friendships were deeply important to me, but through this present ordeal I am realizing that if I wanted to keep those friendships, I would have forgiven my friends. The most important relationship in my life is with my husband, and I wanted/want so badly to make our marriage work. I knew that it never could if I nursed my anger and became bitter.

I love him. I want him. I want a future with him. I realized that having a happy marriage was going to require forgiveness and then it became a simple, but not easy decision. Since those words were spoken, the anger has been gone. There is pain.........that I can't will away, but there is no anger, and with God's grace, no bitterness.

~This is now November and I wanted to comment on this post~

My anger has come and gone over the past few months. I read something that made me review my feelings on forgiveness. It said that there are three stages: the act of forgiveness, when you say the words, the process of forgiveness, when you work through the anger, and the state of forgiveness, when it is all behind you.

When I wrote this post back in June I had made the first step. I made a conscious decision to forgive him. It wasn't over and done with just like that, but making the first step was important. It was a promise to follow through on the process. It was a promise to push through the anger, a promise to prevent resentment from forming, a promise that I would not forever punish him for his sins. Like I said back in June, my motivation to forgive him was stronger than I've ever had for anyone else, but it has not been easy. I feel like I am very close to the final stage....
11-14-06

The Dream

Last night I dreamed I had a romantic encounter with someone I have only met once or twice. I can't even picture his face. I just knew his name. Maybe on some unconscious level I wanted to hurt you back. Or maybe, I just wanted to experience that rush of a new attraction. I can't say. But even in my dream, I wasn't happy with him, even in that moment, and I got up and walked out of the room with him calling after me. When I woke up, all I wanted was you next to me. All I wanted was to be in your arms again. Your father told me that there is something so sacred and perfect between a man and his wife in the sacrament of marriage, that even after a divorce and remarriage, you can never reclaim the beauty of the first. He said that that's why most people who divorce once divorce again. They can never but are always trying to reclaim the holy graces they received in their first marriage (obviously if a marriage is annulled, that's different). There was a fleeting moment in this trial that I wished I could leave you and find someone else. It was only fleeting, though, because I knew I could never have with another man all the goodness that existed--will exist again--between us with another person. And maybe that was the real message of my dream.

My Love,
I just wanted you to know how much I love you and am proud of you for how hard you're trying to repair our marriage. God is giving us so many graces right now to get through this. As angry as I have been, as hurt, never once have I stopped loving you. I never will.

What an inspiration

Catherine of Aragon, first wife of Henry the VIII, wrote this letter to him on her death bed. He had divorced and imprisoned her and remarried more than once. What she suffered at his hands was so much more than infidelity. She took her vows to him so seriously, though, that even after everything, she still considered him her husband and loved him as this beautiful letter shows.

My Lord and Dear Husband,

I commend me unto you. The hour of my death draweth fast on, and my case being such, the tender love I owe you forceth me, with a few words, to put you in remembrance of the health and safeguard of your soul, which you ought to prefer before all worldly matters, and before the care and tendering of your own body, for the which you have cast me into many miseries and yourself into many cares.

For my part I do pardon you all, yea, I do wish and devoutly pray God that He will also pardon you.

For the rest I commend unto you Mary, our daughter, beseeching you to be a good father unto her, as I heretofore desired. I entreat you also, on behalf of my maids, to give them marriage-portions, which is not much, they being but three. For all my other servants, I solicit a year's pay more than their due, lest they should be unprovided for.

Lastly, do I vow, that mine eyes desire you above all things.
1535

The platonic friendship myth

As Catholics who know right from wrong and are taught from the cradle that there are consequences for our actions, it is easy to begin to think that we are above temptations: at least big temptations. We imagine ourselves too strong to lie, cheat, steal, harm. It is that pride, though, that makes us so vulnerable. My husband and I are experiencing first hand the saying, "Pride goeth before the fall." My pride was in thinking our marriage was perfect and impenetrable. His pride was in believing he was strong enough to resist temptation.

My husband and I are practicing Catholics. We love our Church, and we try to live our faith daily. We don't believing in casual sex, and we do believe in monogamy. So why are we in this mess of adultery?

Our lives had become very busy. My husband was always away from home either with work or school. We knew that we were not as close as we should be, but were certain that once he graduated, things would get back to normal. What we didn't realize, though, was that people do need friendship and support and look for it without even knowing they are. My husband wasn't around to receive love and support from me, so without knowing he needed it, found a friend in a fellow classmate.

They became very close emotionally. Close enough that the adultery was already committed long before the first time they had sex. In fact, sex was a natural progression for the intimacy they had been forming in the weeks prior.

Husbands, accept that you can be frail. Don't be deceived in your own strength. You may not be looking for another friend, lover, companion, but there will always be those temptations out there ready to attack you when you least expect them. And most affairs are with people from work because you are around each other all the time. Constant proximity breeds intimacy. Do not put yourself in the near occasion of sin.

Wives, look for a distance in your husbands. You can tell when he is pulling away from you emotionally and physically. Don't allow silence.

God does not want us to look outside of the marriage for intimacy of any kind, unless it is the beautiful intimacy we should have with Him. For either the husband or wife, if you are craving an emotional intimacy that's lacking, invest in finding that with your spouse. It may take more work, but it will be infinitely more rewarding for both of you.

Taking responsibility

I need to preface that I know I didn't make the decision for my husband to cheat on me. I also know that I was trying to be loving, supportive, and understanding in the time that led up to the affair. As far as my treatment of him, I believe I did my best. I don't believe I pushed him into another woman's arms.

That being said, if "the two will become one body" (Eph 5:23), can one party have absolutely no part in the life and decisions of the other? Can a husband and wife really act so entirely independently of one another?

I have been trying over and over to see what I could have done differently to prevent this. Maybe I couldn't have stopped the affair, but there is one area where I feel...I know I was negligent. In our three years of marriage, I have never once prayed for my husband's purity and heart to be preserved within the folds of our marriage. It was pride on my part completely. It never even occured to me that my husband could be tempted away from me and his heart and body be given to another woman. The image that I held my husband in as a man above great temptation should have been reserved only for Our Lord. I neglected to pray for him in this very important area. Till the day I die, it will not happen again.

My love, forgive me for not praying for your purity.

How do I be a good wife now?

So the damage has been done. We are trying to fix our marriage. How am I to be a supportive wife in our enormous task before us?
I must look for the red flags that appeared when the damage was being done, but I must also keep on guard for the habits that led us down this path.
I need to tell my husband all the time I know he can be a better man.
I need to encourage him and applaud every little effort he makes towards bettering our marriage.
I need to insist without exception, that there be no female friends that he has time alone with, and hold myself to the same rules with male friends.
I need to learn to trust again, but with caution this time.
I need to understand that he is capable of falling, and never again fool myself that either of us aren't capable of great error.
I need to realize that there is a danger, and our marriage isn't incapable of penetration.
I need to refrain from punishing him for what he did.
I need to reaffirm him in my love.
I need to always be encouraging him to look to God first for strength, comfort, wisdom, and only after that, to me.
I need to remind myself and him of the good that there is between us.
I need to ensure that neither one of us ever falls into the comfort and complacency of thinking that things are "good enough the way they are" and there isn't more work to do.
I need to pray ever day that the Lord with give him strength to become the man HE wants him to be.

How do I forgive?

I have now said the words. I have now truly meant the words and continue to do so. Now what? I feel that to forgive is to let go of the anger and to not seek revenge or act in a way to hurt back. I can't be happy in my marriage if I am always trying to punish my husband for his adultery. We're supposed to be a team, right? Supporting each other in what is good, not continually reminding each other of what was bad. When I think about what has happened, I don't feel the anymore, at least right now. I just feel such loss: a loss of trust, a loss of innocence, a loss of that never waivering faith I had in my husband. Maybe that was wrong, though, to feel he was invincible. He's a good man, but still only a man: frail and capable of succumbing to temptation. I see him broken now, and so full of pain for what he has done to me and our marriage. His pain, though necessary for me to see so I know he is repentant, cuts like a knife too because regardless of what he did, I love him, and we suffer together.
Lord, keep all harm from him! "block her way with thorns and wall her in so she cannot find her way" (Hosea 2:6) to him! Never let evil penetrate the gates of our tiny, longing to be holy, family, again.
Amen.